110% Guaranteed Election Predictions!!

Finally, a batch of 100% true and absolutely guaranteed insights into Tuesday’s election, brought to you by the impeccable and flawless researchers who make Dad Writes the world’s even finer finest news source. Ignore everyone and everything you hear about the campaigns and the voters. Here are the true facts:

• At least a dozen self-appointed heroes in full body armor will show up at the polls to protect the integrity of the election where it’s most in danger: in blue cities in swing states and, most likely, in a black precinct. (Fits the description, ya know.)
  
• Exit polls will be cited all day as flawless indicators, but most of them will turn out to be wrong because voters have learned to lie to reporters. Surprisingly, Donald Duck will have a much lower vote tally than the exit polls will suggest.
  
• Nobody will care about the vote in Idaho or Illinois or Alabama or any other state that’s essentially guaranteed to be Red or Blue, but all 12,962,000 residents of Pennsylvania will be interviewed at least once by at least three networks.
  
• Voter turnout will be embarrassingly low. Yeah, it’s the most important election ever, but I’ve got an Amazon delivery I’m waiting for and the polling place is a whole mile away.
  
• Turnout among younger people will more than double, soaring to 3% of registered voters and influencing zero races. Gen Z representatives will express surprise that their votes on TikTok were not included in the tallies.
  
• At least one cable network will announce the winner before half the polls are closed. They will be wrong.
  
• Early tallies will favor Republicans more than the final counts, because more Democrats tend to vote absentee or by mail than Republicans and those votes usually get counted last.
  
• We won’t know the winner on November 5. It takes a few days to count all the votes, including the ballots mailed in from our troops overseas and the folks in the nursing homes. Propagandists will claim these “delays” prove that massive fraud is afoot, leading at least a dozen self-appointed heroes in full body armor to show up at the counting centers to protect the integrity of the election in black precincts in blue cities in swing states.
  
• Donald Trump will declare himself the winner before the votes are counted.
• Social media will include 4 billion videos of polling places from 2020, or 2016, or from Azerbaijan, proving that fraud is massive and rampant and that hundreds of millions of votes have been switched. Zero will have basis in fact, but violence will ensue.
• Republicans will declare the vote rigged in any swing state where they lose.
  
• Throughout the night, news anchors will talk about the results as if something is going to happen, even though the election is already over and we simply haven’t finished counting the votes.
  
• CNN will offer up new maps and new granularity about individual precincts, because they have to kill a helluva lot of time while waiting for the votes to actually be counted.
  
• By 11 p.m., news networks will be marveling at how much the pollsters missed and how different some of the results are from the latest surveys.
• By 11:30 p.m., pundits who made the wrong prediction will explain all the mistakes the candidates made in screwing up their perfectly assembled models for victory.
  
• By 11:31 p.m., all of us will get emails asking for money to fund the recounts and lawsuits that are about to be filed.
  
• By 11:32 p.m., half the nation will believe they don’t have a country anymore.
  
• On November 6, the sun will rise in Chicago at precisely 6:30 a.m.
  
• At 8:30 a.m. Chicago time, the stock market will open higher, unless it goes down.
  
• By 9:00 a.m., the 2028 election campaigns will begin…but only if you send them $3.00.
  

 

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