And then Hemingway showed up

 
 
There’s a theme running through this week’s incredibly wry and witty observations about the world outside my apartment. Big prize for the first person to figure it out…

• Winging It. The sound is getting unbearable in Chicago’s suburbs as cricket mating season moves into full passion. You cannot pass a tree without hearing a few hundred males, scraping their wings to make that godawful chirping noise while every female in the area resigns herself to doing the deed with one of them. It’s a lot like every campus bar in America, but more of the guys are going to get lucky.
  
  
• Magic Fingers. Is there anyone who thinks you need to push the elevator button once for each person who is waiting for a lift? Is there anyone who thinks they can make the elevator come more quickly if only they push the button five or six times instead of only once? Is there anyone who thinks the elevator is off on its coffee break and needs to be reminded that people are waiting, so an extra button press will get its attention? Of course not. Nobody is dumb enough to think any of those things. And yet….
  
  
• Been There. I wandered past Ernest Hemingway’s birthplace the other day, where the sign proclaims it’s been his personal nativity scene since 1899. (Before then, it might have been someone else’s birthplace, but they were nobodies and we don’t care.) It got me thinking about birthplaces, though, because it’s a silly thing to commemorate. Hemingway was born in Oak Park, which means that’s the town he left to achieve fame and fortune. Walt Disney was born in Chicago, but he and Roy set up their cartoon studio in Los Angeles. Ted Kaczynski was born in Chicago, too, but he achieved his fame in Montana. As with the rest of life, the place we start is less important than where we finish.
  
  
• Third Wind. There’s an old woman wobbling down the bike path, walking with her arms splayed out so far that you’d think she’s on a tightrope over Niagara Falls.  She has muscular legs, so maybe she was a runner a long, long time ago. Right now, though, she’s a very old woman, struggling to keep whatever’s left of her strength and balance intact. Also right now, I’m very impressed.
  
  
• Men Who Know Too Much. I’ve always believed we should trust the experts, mostly because those are the people who learned the details that they need to gain, you know, expertise. Still, I understand how people can really be suspicious because, in our daily experience, it turns out they’re a bunch of idiots. Take a ride on a bike and you’ll see the number one criterion for designing bike lanes is never to have ridden a bike in your life. (Interviewer: “Have you ever ridden a bicycle?” Applicant: “Yes, almost every day.” Interviewer: “Next!”)
  
  
• Open Secrets. In the good old days, my mailbox overflowed with credit card offers that totaled several million dollars over the course of a year. Now, when I get mail at all, it’s often a five-page letter about a data breach at a company I never heard of that manages data from another company I never heard of that got my information from some app I was forced to download in order to get my tacos delivered. Progress!!
  
  
• The World Is Not Enough. One of the goofiest ideas that’s making the rounds in some political circles is that billionaires aren’t motivated by money, simply because they have all they could ever need. Poppycock. Also, balderdash. It’s part of the human condition to want more and believe we deserve more, no matter how much we have. I knew a woman who said she was compensated fairly and didn’t need more money, so her family had her committed. (JK. I never knew anyone who said that, so no action was required.)
  
  
• Shocking Statistics. On a similar note, I just read a survey of Americans that indicated they think things cost too much, they aren’t making enough money, interest rates are too high, raising kids is too expensive, the government isn’t doing enough for them, the government is doing way too much for everyone else—especially THOSE people—and there’s nothing good on TV. As you might expect, I was very surprised at all of this information.

Yes, I’m easily surprised. Also confused and flummoxed and shocked and aghast and titillated and, hang on, I need to check my thesaurus…   

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