How excited should I be about toothpaste?

People who work in retail have way too much time on their hands, or else they’re just drinking too much Red Bull on their breaks. How else do you explain it when you order a tube of toothpaste and you get a message like:

TIME TO GET EXCITED. YOUR ORDER IS IN THE WORKS!

Yes, I know there isn’t an actual human being typing those words. Still, somebody typed those words into the automated script, so all of us are now the victims of some strangely irrational exuberance.

The gushing confirmation of your order is just the start, of course, because you had to give them your phone number in order to complete the purchase and now you’ll get at least 27 texts to keep the party going.

Ping. Omigod we just packed your box.

Ping. Can you believe it? We just left your package for the delivery service.

Ping. We’re orgasmic over here, just thinking about you opening our box.

Ping. The mailman picked it up and there’s no stopping us now.

Ping. Oh, baby, oh, baby, our little package of love has arrived on your doorstep. We cannot wait for you to enjoy it fully.

Ping. WTF! We went to all the trouble to meet all your needs and you haven’t opened the package yet?

Ping. Playing hard to get, are we? Well, two can play at that game.

Ping. Who are we kidding? We are so hooked on you that nothing can stop our excitement, just thinking of you, ever so slowly, unwrapping our little package.

Ping. We tapped into your Nest camera and we see you’ve picked up the package and taken it inside. We’ll sync with Alexa now to hear what you think of it.

Ping. Please take this 497-question survey to let us know how much you love our (toothpaste). Please note that any scores below five stars will lead to mass firings and ritual suicide.

Ping. Isn’t this the best (toothpaste) you’ve ever had? Don’t you want to order more?

Ping. Don’t worry about ordering more (toothpaste). We’ve added it to your cart and checked you out. For your convenience, we charged your card on file.

Ping. TIME TO GET EXCITED. YOUR ORDER IS IN THE WORKS!

Like Estelle Reiner said, I’ll have what she’s having.

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