How to Christmas with (gasp!) family

Christmas is coming and we all know what that means…family feud!!

It’s hard to get family members to agree on anything these days, but everyone wants to avoid a repeat of the Thanksgiving disaster. Mom is still digging cranberries out of the couch cushions, Uncle Fred is still looking for the last pieces of his dentures, and, every time the Amazon driver rings the doorbell, the dog poops on the rug. Yes, the videos went viral, but nobody’s hoping for an encore.

How to avoid embarrassments this year when the family gathers for Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward Men? First, don’t say, “Goodwill toward men,” because it’s exclusionary and sexist and speciesist and a relic of the patriarchy that continues to destroy the earth and you should have known that was a trap when you read that phrase, but you didn’t because you’re a Neanderthal. But now you know, so just don’t do it. 

Okay, where were we? Oh, yes, we were going to avoid embarrassment at the family dinner. For starters, how about…

• Welcome everyone by shouting, “Six-Seven!” and waving your arms, which will convince all the kids that you’re the cool grown-up in the family. Even better, you’ll have to explain the thing to the other adults at the dinner and you’ll all forget to argue about politics. (Well, you’ll forget for about three minutes, but count your blessings.)

• When Aunt Gertrude shows up with that reindeer cardigan, absolutely do not tell her that you like ugly sweaters, too.

• Be sure to remove the gift label from the bottle of peach brandy before regifting it to the people who regifted it to you last year.

• Don’t ask Uncle Burt what he thinks of Trump’s latest maneuver unless you’re 150% sure of the answer and you’ve checked to make sure Donald didn’t reverse that maneuver while Burt was driving to dinner.

• Don’t ask Aunt Stella what she thinks of Trump’s latest maneuver unless you’re 150% sure of the answer and you’ve checked to make sure Donald didn’t reverse that maneuver while Stella was driving to dinner.

• Make sure you don’t allow Uncle Burt and Aunt Stella to sit next to each other at the dinner table and, for the love of God, keep them away from the peach brandy.
  

• Bring up the old TV tables from the basement and encourage your guests to enjoy their holiday meal while watching a favorite Christmas movie. Go all multiplex on them by showing, “A Christmas Story,” “Elf,” and “Die Hard” simultaneously.
  

• Encourage everyone to check their texts regularly at the dinner table, because ignoring each other is much less fraught than actually engaging in a conversation. And don’t spoil the bliss by asking anyone what they’re looking at.
  

• Don’t ask what’s in the food, don’t announce your religious/social/chemical preferences, and absolutely do not suggest that someone else makes it better. Just dig in, take your chances, and be sure to bring an EpiPen.  Yes, you might die, but peace in the family is worth the risk.
  

Speaking of risk, your favorite blogger has not been invited to any Christmas dinners this year, so the likelihood of disaster is incredibly low for yours truly. For the rest of you, may the odds be ever in your favor. After all, what could possibly go wrong?
  
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