I created 837 jobs by being so fascinating

Whenever I’m feeling low, abandoned, worthless, weeping at the realization that nobody cares if I live or die, somebody insists that I download their app and my spirit soars.

As far as I can tell, and this is just a rough estimate, I am responsible for $1,289,412.36 in annual commerce and 426 jobs, just based on all the data points I possess. It used to be 837 jobs, but AI eliminated almost half of them.  Without me, the entire economies of seven states would collapse and the multiplier effect would lead to a global depression.

Hear me roar.

This isn’t hyperbole on my part. First, I’ve crunched the numbers several times and the answer is always the same. Second, I don’t know what hyperbole means. It’s just a big word to make me sound smarter. But I don’t need to be that smart to know I’m an exquisite prize to be marketed to the highest bidder.

Every time I search, more than 2,000 companies pay for the right to show me their wares. They don’t pay much per exposure, I know, but those mils and micro-mils add up. By the end of every day, I’ve completed 20-30 searches for various items and the entire data industry is thinking of retiring their Consumer of the Year Award after I’ve won it so many times.

Nobody is making a profit from my data, since they’re paying about $347 in ad costs for every buck I end up spending, but nobody said it would be easy to win my favors. It’s a bit like people playing the lottery every week, blowing $7 million for every $1 million in prize money. Except, this is the Michael Lottery and I’m the prize.

I don’t even need to do a search anymore to keep the global economy running. All I have to do is download an app onto my phone and whoever runs the app will be trafficking in Cryptomichael non-stop. I have 73 apps on my phone and I only use about a dozen of them, but the rest serve an important role in the vast economy of Michaelbits.

If I was being traded like the incredible financial investment I am, my market value would be north of $24 million, or four Lee Majors. I’m so valuable because I’m so multifaceted, a diamond among pearls. The data merchants can make gazillions from my info because I am just that fascinating:

• “Look, he was awake and on his computer at 11:23 p.m.”
• “He’s most likely to look for Cheetos and beef jerky simultaneously.”
• “He’s willing to spend an extra 2.3 cents for two-day delivery.”
• “He’s loves BOGOs for toe fungus gel.”

Really, it just never ends. (Much like this post.)

Of course, like any smart consumer, I always ask the apps and all the websites I visit not to track me, but we all know better and we all enjoy a good laugh. And, with all the bots tracking me, I can never really go missing.

I’m just like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, except I’m saving Mr. Potter’s data-mining business instead of real people. Also, unlike George, none of the people whose jobs I saved are aware that I am their hero. I know, though, and now you do, too, so that will have to be enough.

I am somebody. I am valuable. I am desired. Yes, it’s only for my data, but I’ll take the win.
 
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