Is your job next? Well, yes, and here's why...

After we explained everything our readers need to know about the economy last month, we’ve been inundated with new questions about where we’re headed, especially when it comes to jobs. No surprise there, since everyone who tracks this stuff is reporting a decline in the job market that resembles Wile E. Coyote’s path after he finally looks down.

It’s gotten so bad that even the fake job sites have given up. In July, our inbox was overflowing with “offers” of incredible, high-paying positions. Now, the scammers know nobody is going to believe there are jobs available, so they’ve moved on to GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD.

So, what’s the straight-skinny, upfront lowdown on the job market today? Glad you asked:

How will I know if my job might be in jeopardy?

You should be just a bit concerned if your job involves customer service, computers, speaking, writing, or, worst of all, journalism. If your job involves putting coffee into a paper cup, driving a bachelorette-party bus, or delivering pizza on a bicycle, you’re safe, at least for now.

My boss says my job is safe. Should I believe her?

How old are you? Really, the answer to that question is always NO. And not just NO. Emphatic NO. Even as you read these words, your boss is working feverishly to downsize your department and hand over your duties to a chatbot. She’s under pressure to keep her job, so canning you seems like a good idea. Of course, she hasn’t figured out that no managers are needed to oversee a chatbot, but that’s her problem and you’ll be long gone when she gets whacked.

Will there be any warning signs that cutbacks are imminent?

Yes, so it’s important to be pay attention to the subtle clues. For instance, if your HR department comes up with new team-building exercises that involve bungee jumping, escape rooms, or trust falls, be very afraid. If the company announces that this year’s Christmas party will be held at Nakatomi Plaza, that’s a red flag, too. And be especially concerned if you’re told to meet your team in a Home Depot parking lot.

Home Depot parking lot? But I’m a citizen.

How old are you? You don’t have to get deported. You’ll only be held for a few days until they let you go, but you’ll have been fired for unexcused absences by then. The CEO can say there have been no layoffs, and there’s no unemployment compensation when you’re fired for cause. Win-win, just not for you.

Maybe I should look for a new job that’s more secure.

That’s an excellent idea, although it’s hard to find great jobs at solid companies. Putting coffee into a paper cup, driving a bachelorette-party bus, and delivering pizza on a bicycle don’t pay very well, so you’ll want to look for a position with better pay and benefits. Just be sure to find a company that doesn’t import or export, has no government contracts, isn’t involved in higher education, and has no AI initiatives in place. Or planned.

You’re not sounding very optimistic about this.

Not true. In fact, this is actually the upside view. You don’t want to know what the pessimistic take is here.

Yikes. Is there any hope at all?

Absolutely. Now that we finally have loyalists generating the country’s job numbers, we can rest assured that employment is going to soar to the greatest, most powerful, incredible levels ever in history, or even beyond history, or more than that. Of course, it goes without saying that your results may vary.

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