My next diet will literally suck

 
 
You know you're really a winner when you get an offer for a free colonoscopy, but there's even more good news on the horizon this week...
 
Surge stiffing. Sometimes, I’ll take pity on a server in an empty restaurant and I’ll add a few bucks to their tip. That means I can stiff the servers when the restaurant is bustling, right? Hello?

Totally tasteless. Every so often, I’ll decide to try a new recipe and things will be going pretty well until I get to the last step. If I had any idea how to, “Season to taste,” I wouldn’t need to be following a recipe in the first place.

Bark once for yes. If a dog ages roughly (ruffly?) the equivalent of 12 human years in its first year of puppyhood, should we have a birthday party for them once each month? Dog-friendly restaurants are waiting anxiously for your opinion.

Wearing thin. My doctor say I can no longer consume red meat, alcohol, bacon, French fries or pizza. It’s called the Dyson Diet, because it sucks all the joy out of life.

Make me an offer. Speaking of healthcare, I just got invited to webinar about colon cancer screening and treatment and they highlighted that the webinar is FREE. Once, when I was much younger, my inbox overflowed with pleas from Nigerian princes and amorous Russian babes, but now my life has come to this. At least the colon cancer webinar is FREE, because those Russian babes turned out to be very, very expensive.

Call me, maybe. Remember when there was a big to-do about everyone asking for your Social Security number and it seemed businesses were prohibited from using it as your identifier? Good times. Now, it’s your cell phone number, which is the new key to entry everywhere. A couple of weeks ago, the host at a restaurant asked for my number, I gave it to her, and I was already on whatever database the restaurant uses for its reservations. Burner phones. They’re not just for drug dealers anymore.

The road taken, more or less. I made a choice that changed my life yesterday. When the light turned green, I opted to go straight instead of turning left and, now, everything else that happens in my future will be affected by that very major decision. We tend to think about the big turning points, the dramatic moments, when we look at our histories, but those might not be the most meaningful events. Those are the events we remember, but only because we were there, at that time, after a million other choices along the way.

Ciao buona. If exercising regularly makes you stronger and reading more makes you more well informed, shouldn’t eating more make you thinner? Asking for a friend.
 
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