Opticians are like drug dealers

 
If you’re over 50, you’re probably hooked already and headed for the hard stuff, plus…

• Ra Ra Ra. When I was younger, I spent a few months practicing paganism, but it was just idol curiosity.
• Fun guy. I don’t mean to brag, but my podiatrist says that, even at my advanced age, I still have the feet of an athlete.
• Reality bites. I went for a walk one night and the whole area was suddenly alive with fireflies. I decided to repeat the experience the next night, but all I got for my troubles was a half dozen mosquito bites. Mother Nature is such a bitch.
• Gateway glass. Prescription lenses are like heroin. First, your vision is a little blurry, but you figure out how to make out the words by standing on your head and squinting. Then you figure, why not try out the cheaters, get a bit of an edge, just for a while. Then one of your “friends” suggests you try the hard stuff, the kind you can only get with an Rx, and now you can’t even find the front door without a visual crutch. Just say no, people! Just say no.
• Applause that refreshes. I really like positive reinforcement, so I’m thinking of going on stage. I won’t be performing or speaking or anything, just walking on random stages at local theaters whenever I get a chance. Audiences applaud you before you even say a word, so I can walk out, soak up the applause, and leave before anyone realizes I’m not part of the show.
• Wrong answer. I logged onto one or my websites and the usual questions popped up about cookies, so I clicked on “reject all” and now the site didn’t work. Then I got back on and clicked "accept all" and got thrown off again. Maybe I need to phone a friend. 
  
• Text me the answer. There’s a woman with her three children, or kids I presume to be her children, selling candy on the corner. Then I notice that she’s on her cell phone, two of her kids are on their cell phones, and the third kid is on his tablet. I decide to move on, looking for someone…what? More deserving? More financially sensible?  Better at marketing? Life in the city is filled with conundrums.
  
• Playing hard to get. I spent some time trying to build an audience on a new portal and I received a ton of likes, but almost no followers. I signed off for a couple of weeks and, when I logged back on, I had picked up a new audience. Clearly, the secret to success on social media is to not go there.

 

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