Optimism champion, I am

Just call me Mr. Optimist, or maybe Mr. Confident, potentially the most confident and optimistic human being in this or any world. It’s almost impossible to convey the faith in the future I have displayed through my most recent investment.

I bought a roll of stamps.

Can you feel the joy?? I am now the proud owner of 100 self-adhesive symbols of my Panglossian worldview, a view that includes both my own longevity and the future of humanity. Also, the future of the U.S. Postal Service, which continues to deliver my most important communications six days a week.

Yes, I said important communications, and I’m sticking to that story. Every morning, I open up my email inbox and it’s overloaded with crap. Before my fifth cup of coffee has kicked in, I’m inundated with offers for walk-in bathtubs, urgent pleas from fundraisers, dire warnings from political newsletters, and financial/medical/sexual offers that are just too good to be true. (Really, don’t ask me how I know, but it turns out they’re all just too good to be true.)

Frankly, the assault on my common sense can be demoralizing. But the afternoon brings a burst of sunshine as Corey delivers the printed matter that matters. There are glossy catalogs with pictures of furniture I can’t afford, clothes I’d never fit into, and red-light-camera summonses I’ll probably need to pay. (FTR, those red-light-camera fines are totally unjustified and fake and AI scams, so paying them is not an admission of guilt and State Farm should ignore them on my next renewal.)

It all gives me hope that, someday, I’ll be able to buy one of those 12-foot couches with reclining backs, massagers, and lighted cupholders. And I know all the offers are real, because someone paid big bucks to print and send them to me. None of my online scam artists think I’m worth the money, but at least Best Buy knows I have real potential.

Now, with my glossy new roll of stamps, I can return the favor and give the USPS the funds they need to keep delivering through gloom of night. It’s the least I can do, and it’s absolutely necessary. I can pay my property-tax bill online with a credit card, while paying added fees for the “convenience” of doing so, but there’s no fee involved if I just drop a check in the mail and let the county deal with the paperwork.

It’s a perverse reality that so many creditors charge more for the processes that cost them the least, while I pay less than a buck no matter how large the bill is, but I don’t make the rules. Meanwhile, I’m supporting the economy by keeping people employed as they open my envelopes, sort the paperwork, and process my payment.

With my glorious new roll of stamps, I’m set to continue supporting the postal workforce for at least the next six years. It’s so exciting that I’m giving serious thought to the next leap of ecstasy on my optimistic journey.

I’m actually thinking of buying a new box of checks.

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