Start your own banana hospice

It’s a question I get all the time from my millions of admirers: What’s the one incredible achievement of my life that brings me the greatest satisfaction? I understand why people would ask this, of course. After all of my trillion-dollar philanthropy and all the times I have saved humanity from imminent destruction, you’d think it would be difficult to pick only one.

And yet, the choice is very simple. There has been no heroic feat, no philanthropic contribution, no single gift to our world that makes me as proud as my work at the Chicago Banana Hospice. As bananas contemplate the last stages in their terrorized existence, I strive to make their final days on earth as calm and painless as possible. It’s God’s work, and I am humbled by the opportunity to serve.

Thankfully, none of us will ever experience the untold evil inflicted on bananas. Living in peace and resting in the sun, they look forward to a long and happy life with the same bunch of friends they’ve been connected to since birth. Then, one day, without warning, they are attacked by machete-wielding terrorists, separated from their homes, confined to cardboard cages where no sunlight can enter, and tossed into cold bins where they can be poked and squeezed by predators. Soon, all they can anticipate is the ultimate pain of being skinned alive and cut or mashed or simply devoured by their new captors.

Their only hope is Chicago Banana Hospice. We work with the brave rescuers at Instacart, who miraculously find a way to save our poor friends and bring them to us for their final days. Here at our banana hospice, we provide a calm and quiet countertop where they can escape the terror and spend their final days in peace, still connected, literally, to the friends of their youth.

We are non-denominational at the Chicago Banana Hospice, accepting Doles and Chiquitas and Del Montes, and even store brands, because they are all equal in the eyes of God. We don’t accept plantains, though, because we have to draw the line somewhere. We know you understand.

Our work at the banana hospice is challenging in many ways. Watching our friends as they deteriorate can be heartbreaking. Sometimes we wonder if we shouldn’t simply end their suffering in a banana bread or a disposal, but we refuse to give in to those cruel interventions. Instead, we provide physical and spiritual support as they transition from yellow to brown to black and, ultimately, a state of ooze that will be mark their end of days on the kitchen counter.

Only when their suffering has ended do we bring them to their final resting place. Then, we waste no time in reaching out to Instacart to rescue a new bunch of frightened victims that we can support on their journey to eternal rest. We hope you'll join us in this noble quest and create your own banana hospice. All you need is a kitchen counter, a grocery app, and the ability to walk past your bananas without intervening for at least a week.

Is it any wonder that this is the pinnacle of my gifts to the world? Yes, I’ve saved children from burning buildings and created cures for more than 3,000 illnesses and defeated intergalactic evildoers, but all of that is nothing compared to my work at the Chicago Banana Hospice. As long as the terror continues, I will provide a safe haven for bananas from every brand and every corner of the world.

Am I a hero or what???

I’ll be tied up with some new heroics next week, but subscribe now and you’ll be sure to see our next post, whenever I get around to it.
 
 
 

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