![]() The saddest thing about all the indictments of Donald Trump et al is that they don’t make any difference whatsoever. The people who support him are somehow vindicated by every accusation, each bit of proof that he is being targeted by his political opponents as part of the weaponization of the DOJ. The Passion Play that unfolds for their Savior is a validation of their covenant, an assurance that He is suffering for them. When He says “they” are coming for his supporters, but He is in the way, they know He is speaking the Truth, and they are grateful. The people who oppose TFG are somehow certain that the next indictment, the next leaked document, the next accusation will somehow convince Trump supporters that they have followed the wrong path, and that they will repent their scurrilous faith. Like people who speak more loudly in English so they can be understood in a foreign nation, these benighted souls are certain that truth, justice, and the American Way will triumph if only the Trump cult would heed their latest tweet. Yes, this is the tweet, the meme, the post, the ultimate proof that will enlighten the MAGA world and inspire them to forsake their false idol. Not gonna happen. Seriously, exactly who is out there whose mind has not been fixed by now? Who is the lone holdout waiting for one more bit of evidence, one more explanation, the absolutely critical keystone that will hold it all together and allow them to draw a conclusion? And, if we found that person, how much would we trust their judgment on anything? Speaking of judgment, how many partisans, pundits and prevaricators will they weed out before they find Twelve Good Men and True for any juries? What voter can stand before the judge and attorneys and swear they are not already biased, that they still have an open mind, and that they will be swayed wholly by the evidence presented in the trial? Fast forward to the next six months and the odds of a runaway jury, or jurors, are at least equally overwhelming. Nobody will need to tamper with a jury that will undoubtedly be happy to tamper with itself. Will there be more secret MAGAs or more hidden Antifas on the panel? We don’t know, yet, but it’s pretty much a certainty there will be at least a few. Even if they do find a dozen people who can provide impartial justice, it will make no difference in the end. Whether the trials yield guilty verdicts or acquittals, everyone will interpret the results according to the views they held today, and the day before, and the day before that. How many people will read the verdicts and say, “Gee, I guess I was wrong?” How many people will change their vote after the judgment is rendered? The answer, of course, is zero. Twitter overflows with sound and fury, but the people have spoken. They don’t agree, and many of them are idiots, but they’ve spoken anyway. Those who think Trump is guilty see each new charge as another nail in the coffin. The people who see him as a Christ figure view each charge as one more thorn in the crown. And yet, we have no choice to go through with the trials, because that’s what the law requires. Different courts, different jurisdictions, different rules, different co-defendants, a veritable pantheon of legalities, all carrying enormous weight and minimal impact. It’s going to be a long ride and it’s not going to get any smoother. We’ll be talking about other stuff from now on, so it’s safe to click here to subscribe without fear of being offended, or reassured, by our thoughts.
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![]() You know what the problem is with advice columns? The first two issues are obvious, of course: People write in about some urgent issue and the advice arrives months later when it's too late to do any good. Worse, it's pretty clear the the people asking the questions are too dense to benefit from the advice. Dear Aunt Esmerelda: My neighbor is upset that my dog is leaving gifts in his flower bed when he should really be grateful for the fertilizer. How do I get him to be happier when Poopsie visits? Dear Aunt Esmerelda: My son is a Navy Seal who is often away on secret missions. How can I get the Navy to schedule him to be home for my birthday? Dear Aunt Esmerelda: My niece has a peanut allergy, so I put some peanut butter in her turkey sandwich to help her develop some tolerance. Now she’s in a coma and my brother is making a big deal about it. How do I get him to drop the restraining order? Yes, the questions are entertaining, but the answers are the archetypes for missed opportunities. Instead of starting the replies with, “Dearest Idiot,” the advice columnists almost always express sympathy and try to comfort the people who are too far gone to be reached on this planet. “Perhaps your neighbor doesn’t appreciate the close relationship you have with your dog. I agree that the Navy and America’s enemies should both be more considerate when it comes to family. Give your brother time to recognize your good intentions, and maybe for his daughter to come out of her coma…” And there we have it, the biggest flaw in advice columns: too much respect. Contrary to the popular myth spread by consultants everywhere, there are stupid questions and there are bad ideas. It would be a truly healthy development if advice columnists called out their correspondents for both transgressions. Clearly, it’s time for the Dad Writes help desk, where we suffer only wise people and set the fools on the true path to enlightenment. We’re drawing our inspiration from Bob Newhart, who set the standard for all psychology, psychiatry, and consulting today. We’ll build on his groundbreaking technique, but we will never stray far from the words of the master. Your wedding is in three days and you’re sending me a question now? Too late for that, but here are some ideas for divorce court. You poisoned your niece and you’re not in jail? This would be a good time to move to another country. If you're gonna let your dog roam around without a leash, let your neighbor poop on your lawn to even things out. See how easy that is? Advice columns would be much more entertaining and educational if we avoid all the “respect” and “courtesy,” especially when those considerations are 100% undeserved. Our new column is going to be so refreshing for readers, and very therapeutic for me. I can’t wait to hear from the first doofus with a question. Now that Dad Writes is new and improved with free advice, you’ll definitely want to click here to subscribe for our amazing wisdom. ![]() We all know the script and we can shout out the lines like we’re in costume at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. There’s a new scene this time, but it’s one that’s playing out only for Jews. The script is pretty obvious, at least in the beginning. As soon as Hamas attacked Israel, killing over a thousand civilians and kidnapping hundreds, burning families alive and decapitating babies, they retreated back into Gaza, hiding within the civilian population and daring Israel to come and get them. They know any incursion will lead to civilian deaths and that’s a feature, not a bug. Civilian shields and hostages are always part of the script. Right on cue, the International Red Cross and other agencies called for an end to the violence, a tit with no tat, and argued that a war begun by targeting civilians should not include civilians, at least on one side of the battle. Protesters took to the streets to denounce Israel and call for its eradication. On college campuses, the people concerned with women’s rights, gay rights, and trans rights took the side of the people who persecute these groups against those who show support. Terrorist leadership encouraged followers around the world to add to the carnage by killing Jews, anywhere and everywhere, on a specific date, and the media decided to be balanced by referring to Hamas as militants instead of terrorists. Social media exploded with whatabouts, claims of moral equivalence and fake videos, making Truth the predictable first casualty of war. As always, everyone talked past each other, almost invariably by focusing on just one facet of an impossibly complex challenge. Also on cue, many Arab leaders—although not as many as in the past—made statements in support of Palestinians, but they will predictably fail to do anything to actually help their suffering comrades. And, let’s face it, OPEC nations could have rebuilt Gaza into a paradise on the Mediterranean after the Israelis left almost two decades ago, but…crickets. Like Israel, Egypt closed its border with Gaza. Too be fair, many nations have sent aid to Gaza, but Hamas has spent those $billions on rockets and bombs, reinforced tunnels, and luxury apartments for their leaders, while the average Palestinian has been left with no opportunity, no freedom, and no future. Also, very little water or electricity or food, because Hamas has provided essentially zero and left their people dependent on Israel for most of the basics. There are so few surprises here that we could have shared this post, almost verbatim, at least a dozen times over the years. This time, though, there’s a major difference, because so many Jews feel betrayed by their friends. As shaken as Jews were by the Hamas invasion, they were shocked at the silence of friends who didn’t seem to care about their trauma. Western governments responded to the terror attacks with unequivocal support for Israel, posting Israeli colors on icons like the Eiffel Tower and the Brandenburg Gate. At home, though, people who had rallied around other minorities in crisis looked for similar support and heard no echo, received no texts, saw no changes to profile pictures. It was as if they had died and nobody came to the funeral. There are only two degrees of separation in the Jewish world, so most Jews know someone personally affected by the invasion. That means they’ve all had a death in the family, or a rape, or a kidnapping, and they’re wondering why none of their friends has paid a condolence call. Maybe the friends don't recognize the pain, or maybe they think it's fine. Either way, many people are rethinking their support for groups that responded to their trauma by demanding more of it, and many people are reconsidering the connections they thought of as friendship, once. It wasn’t part of the script before, but it’s a key part of the story now. We’ll get back to being funny one of these days, but the world hasn’t been all that amusing lately. Subscribe anyway, because we’ll be back to humor eventually. ![]() For the love of God, is there no end to this elder abuse? Every day, I’m victimized again by some media outlet that decides they have nothing better to do than to shame me. I wake up every morning (so far) with a sore arm or back or leg or toenail and there’s nothing to do but ease into the day with the latest news and my social media feeds. By the time I’m done with my third cup of coffee, the aching has receded and my vision is finally clearing up, but there’s a new pain that will envelop me for the rest of the day. That’s because my morning read invariably includes a story about some young snot who’s achieved more at 17 than I’ll ever achieve in my life. And I’m not even talking about Greta and Malala here. There’s also the kid who invented a portable dialysis machine for his middle-school science fair and the pre-teen who turned her lemonade stand into a multinational restaurant chain. Even worse, my feed is overrun with really old people, people much older than I am, who are doing things I can’t do already. In the latest installment of “People Who Are Both Older And Better Than You,” some 104-year-old woman set a new record as the oldest person to parachute out of an airplane. Even worse, she's a Chicagoan like me. Well, clearly not like me, and vice versa. The abusers in the media say these are “feel-good stories” that encourage the rest of us to think of age as just a number, but they’re really gaslighting us with tales that make us feel less accomplished, less capable, and much more ready to die now. Because nothing gives me hope for my future like another person’s achievements and the certain knowledge that those achievements will never be mine. You wanna know what gives me the will to live? I love reading about the Chicago Cubs blowing their playoff slot in September and the Chicago Bears losing so many games in a row that they’ve set up a suicide hotline for their players and coaches. I want to learn about some dope who won the lottery and invested all her winnings into cryptocurrency or the fools who got convicted of sedition on the basis of their own selfies. I draw the line at the Darwin Awards, because stupidity shouldn’t be a capital offense, but I’m almost invariably inspired by the wrong turns and dumb choices that other people make. Those are my feel-good stories, the sagas that let me know I’m not the feeblest failure of the day. I might be a loser, but at least I’m not a Chicago Bear. And I’m not alone in this, either. My social media feed is filled with posts that mock the Bears and the Cubs, but nobody is celebrating the 104-year-old woman who thought it was a good idea to jump out of a perfectly functional airplane. My friends only share uplifting stories, and that is definitely not one of them. It’s time to stop the gaslighting of all us seniors, to demand an end to the abusive shaming, and it's absolutely the perfect moment to donate large amounts to my crowdfunding account. I promise not to invest the proceeds in crypto or to take skydiving lessons. Will I become a paratrooper when I’m 104? 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Who writes this stuff?Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him. Archives
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