For the first time in my life, I’m feeling sorry for the people in the human resources department. I’m not talking about the challenges of finding workers in a rebounding economy, though. Really, I’m feeling their pain as they plan to bring workers back from their couches to their cubicles.
 
Companies large and small are demanding that employees return to the Mother Ship, possibly now and definitely by September, and you can measure the grumbling on the Richter Scale. People will be showing up angry and resentful, and it’s going to be the HR department’s job to rebuild cohesive teams.
 
Good luck on that one.
 
After 18 months of remote control, America’s workforce is about to be reintroduced to traffic jams, parking fees and doing laundry more than once a month. They’ll suddenly remember why they hated Eleanor from accounting and why everyone was in a big hurry to use the restroom before Fred arrived at the office. It won’t be pretty.
 
At the very least, HR departments can alleviate the pain by installing Keurig machines at every desk and keeping the lights as dim as possible. Beyond that minimum, it would be an excellent idea to avoid “team building exercises” and “social interactions” for at least a couple of months.
 
Meanwhile, returning workers should do their best to adjust their own expectations and behaviors in this brave old world. For example:

1. You might notice that the furniture in the office will seem smaller than in the Time Before, but that’s just how your perception has changed after gaining 75 pounds.
   
   
2. While we’re all big fans of free speech, at least in theory, no jokes are allowed at the office anymore. Yes, you know a hundred jokes that couldn’t possibly, in a million years, offend anyone, but you are oh, so wrong. Even that joke about the rabbi, the goat and the steamship captain. Really, just let it go.
   
   
3. You are welcome to order in and dine at your desk during lunch, but avoid any food with garlic, onions, fish, or anything your grandparents might have eaten in the old country. Have you tried mayonnaise sandwiches on white bread? Yum.
   
   
4. Develop plausible excuses. Customers will know you’re lying when you say you have to get off the phone because Amazon is at the door.
   
   
5. No personal grooming is allowed at your desk. This includes clipping toenails and excavating ear wax and absolutely no Neti pots. Yes, Laura, this includes you!
   
   
6. Unlike your childcare routine, you can’t put your coworkers down for a nap when they whine. Or maybe you can. Give it a try and let us know how it works.
   
   
7. You are allowed to sit behind your desk in pajamas during Zoom calls, but be sure your bottoms are snapped closed before you get up for coffee.
   
   
8. Be sure to learn the newest technology, a Zoom call for two that doesn’t require that you get primped for the video feed. It’s called a telephone.
   
   
9. Yes, we’re sorry, the guy at the next cubicle really is an idiot. However, keep that fact to yourself because there is no mute button on your desk.
   
   
10. No popcorn. If you make it right, everyone will lose concentration and, if you burn it, everyone will lose the will to live.
    
    
11. Even if you’re fully vaccinated, be sure to keep at least six feet of distance between yourself and all other employees. This isn’t for health reasons. We’re just hoping to avoid fights.
    

 
Welcome back to the office, everyone. What could possibly go wrong?
 
Employees aren’t allowed to clip their toenails at their desks, but reading Dad Writes posts is absolutely encouraged by HR departments everywhere. Just click here to subscribe.
 
 
 
 
 

My mom gave me a bunch of mail to look over and I was very, very impressed. Little did I realize that she is one of the most influential people in the country.

It must be true, though, and the United States Postal Service has delivered the proof. Every day, she gets a package with “Official Documents Enclosed” and an urgent request for her views on matters of national importance. And it’s all be hugely confidential, as evidenced by the warning that, “It is a FEDERAL OFFENSE for anyone other than the person listed below to open this letter.”

Clearly, she is so influential that companies are willing to offer her big bucks to give them her advice. Here’s an offer of a $100 gift certificate if she merely stops by for lunch--free!!--and shares her opinion about the newest in hearing-aid technology. I’m not sure why they need to ask, since the letter says 100% of patients are approved for these new devices, but clearly my mom’s opinion is just that important.

And so many checks, she must be in the 148% tax bracket by now. Here’s an envelope with “retirement benefits documents enclosed,” and you can see the check right through the address window. It turns out it’s just a picture of what a check might look like if she signs the petition and returns it before the deadline, but when her signature sways Congress, it’s raining Benjamins at her place.  

Actually, there are a ton of letters like this, alerting her to the urgent crisis that could lead the federal government to reduce her Social Security check or fail to increase her Social Security check or delay sending her Social Security check. All is not lost, though. If only she signs the petition and returns it with seven bucks, or $25, or agrees to have her credit card dinged for a monthly contribution, or puts me into an apprenticeship program.

Here’s an urgent plea for a response and a donation of at least $15, “because some people in Washington are talking about cutting your Social Security benefits.” Well, I don’t know who those “some people” are, but they are a clear and present danger to say the least.  Golly, I wonder if these fine organizations are reaching out to other elderly Americans, or if they are just relying on my mom to handle the burden?

Either way, I have nothing but admiration for all the groups protecting my mom from the financial catastrophe that awaits if she fails to sign the petitions, and I know it comes at a great financial cost to those organizations. One guy is courting bankruptcy, apparently, by springing for the postage-paid reply envelopes that accompanied his letter.

I really felt bad for him when I read, “The extra postage is an expense I really can’t afford right now,” In fact, he continues for several paragraphs about the burden of paying for return postage. Later on, though, he says a donation of $14.55 will enable him to send another 26 petitions to 26 other seniors. So, that’s 56 cents per envelope? Well, no wonder he’s going broke on this crusade. Some other guy sent a survey and he says he can send out more petitions for only 45 cents each. Maybe they could compare notes.

It’s heartwarming to know these selfless individuals and organizations are working tirelessly to take care of my mom and, I suppose, millions of other retired people. Obviously, they are in it for the public good, not profit, as shown by their willingness to lavish her with gift certificates and postage-paid reply envelopes. Anyone who doesn’t believe in guardian angels should just read my mom’s mail and they will see the light.

Please forgive us for spending so much time bragging about how popular mom is. We promise not to do it again if you’ll just click here to subscribe for future, less boastful posts.
 
 
 

 
Ignoring the rest of the world, a break for working stiffs, and our surprise when normal things happen…

1. Maybe 2020 was a giant reset button for Americans who were forced off the treadmill and took some time to rethink their priorities. People retired, moved, decided to change careers, reconsidered how they were spending their time… With all the underlying changes that the pandemic has brought, this one might be the hardest to measure, but the most significant in the long term.
   
   
2. Already this year, more people have died from Covid than in all of 2020, and it’s going to get much worse before we can get vaccines into another 7 billion arms. Of course, most of us will be unaware of the carnage because it won’t happen in the United States. Now that pretty much everyone who wants a shot has gotten one here, we can go back to ignoring the rest of the world.
   
   
3. The U.S. economy crashed in 2020, import and export patterns went sideways, manufacturers dropped product lines and picked up new ones, family buying habits took a U-turn, unemployment skyrocketed and the number of Baby Boomers who decided to retire doubled from a year earlier. Prices soared for everything from toilet paper to hand sanitizer to free weights and freezers, if you could find them, while the price of gasoline and airline tickets plunged.  Now the economy is roaring back and we’re seeing a million different disruptions on the upside. None of this should be a surprise, but millions of people say they are shocked nonetheless.
   
   
4. I know everyone is saying unemployment benefits are keeping people on the sidelines, and that might be true for many people, but I know recruiters who can’t fill $100,000+ jobs with serious benefits, so that whole “unemployment benefits” argument looks more like a simplistic political statement than an economic conclusion. And, by the way, what exactly is wrong with working stiffs getting a break for a change?
   
   
5. It’s pretty clear that the Centers for Disease Control, state/local governments, businesses and other organizations made a ton of mistakes in responding to the pandemic. It’s also pretty clear that nobody is going to learn from their mistakes, mostly because it’s easier to just point fingers at someone else and ignore the lessons until the next crisis hits. And the next. And the next.
   
   
6. Now that everyone is offering gift cards and lottery tickets for getting the vaccines, I’m regretting my decision to take the jab when it first became available. I don’t know if it’s safe to go back for another dose or two, or ten, but an extra fifty bucks is mighty tempting right now.  
   
   
7. We didn't get 70% of the country vaccinated by July 4, but not because we couldn’t mobilize to get doses in arms by then. Nope, we just let rumors and politics get in the way, so we’ll end up with a ton of avoidable costs, deaths and other disruptions. We’re very unlikely to see a repeat of last year’s debacle, but it’s still an unforced error.
   
   
8. It’s an ill wind, as they say, and I’m already nostalgic for some of the ways my life improved in the past year.  For the first time in forever, I got through a year without catching a cold. I like being back among people, but it turns out they carry a ton of germs.
   
   
   

Unfortunately, we’ll probably have more entries in our Covid log this year and you'll want to follow the trail. Just click here to subscribe and you won’t miss a thing.

It’s Independence Day and, like all loyal patriots, I will spend the day at a public reading of the Declaration of Independence, followed by a reenactment of the signing.

Hah! You fell for that? No way, Joseph. Like all my fellow countryfolks, I’ll spend the holiday at a barbecue, consuming huge amounts of food and way too much beer. Then I’ll look for the closest fireworks display and spend the night watching stuff go boom.

Even in our polarized nation, great holidays like Independence Day bring us closer together. I once argued with my neighbor about the relative merits of Maker’s Mark versus (boo, hiss) Crown Royal, but it’s really hard to keep up the rancor when you’re stuffing your face...and in a stupor.

That’s why we need more holidays in America and not just “historical” holidays like Independence Day, Juneteenth and Mother's Day. We need new holidays that celebrate all that makes our nation special today and every day. At the Holiday Viability Assessment Laboratory at Dad Writes, our research team has identified the ten holidays most worthy of celebration in coming years, including:

1. National Gig Worker Day. With so many people working double jobs in this country, we need a holiday that’s modeled after Labor Day, but specifically for gig workers. On National Gig Worker Day, all rideshare drivers, Instacart pickers and other warriors in our brave new world will get a break from 3:30 p.m. to 4:17 p.m. Unpaid, of course.
   
   
2. National Heirloom Day. On this special observance, adult children are required to accept—and CHERISH—whatever heirlooms, relics, family treasures or knick-knacks their parents want to pass down to them. (Stuffed moose, false teeth and all undergarments are excluded, however.)
   
   
3. National Mattress Day. The mattress industry has been in the wilderness too long, forced to piggyback on Presidents’ Day and Memorial Day and Arbor Day and pretty much every other real holiday to hold their once-a-year sales. With National Mattress Day, all our favorite dealers can do just one sale per year and we’ll all take the rest of the year off.
   
   
4. National Extended Car Warranty Day. We all know we need an extended car warranty, but it’s so hard to get in touch with anyone who will offer us one of these incredibly wonderful contracts. With a national holiday, everyone can take the whole day off to wait by the phone for a call about ways we can protect our cars, especially the ones with less than 857,309 miles on the odometer.
   
   
5. National Lobbyist Day. Seriously, we need a holiday to celebrate the hardworking Americans, and sometimes foreigners, who craft our laws and feed our overworked Congresspersons. I’ll even bet that one of these selfless public servants will be willing to draft the proclamation and deliver it to Capitol Hill on our behalf.
   
   
6. Expired Groceries Day. We’ll celebrate with big food fests, as always, but everything we eat must be past its expiration date. The USDA will issue a recipe book for people who are uncertain about combining year-old pickles and potatoes with outdate yogurt.
   
   
7. National Menu Day. This is more like a Jewish holiday because it is just a bit restrictive, but on this special day, every restaurant diner is required to take their food in whatever way it is listed on the menu. There will be no substitutions, no extras and absolutely no dressing on the side.
   
   
8. National Nurses Day. Yeah, we know, there already is a National Nurses Day, but nobody pays any attention. In our new and improved version, all U.S. nurses get the day off with pay and doctors are required to change all dressings, IVs and bedpans. Seems only fair, ya know?
   
   
9. National Overtime Day. While most national holidays involve giving federal employees the day off, National Overtime Day gives the rest of America a free day and federal employees will work a second shift to cover for them. Seems only fair, ya know?
   
   
10. National Me Day. If there is one belief that unites all Americans, it’s the absolute assurance that they are the most important and admirable people in the world. To recognize our greatness, National Me Day will allow every citizen to proclaim a holiday that celebrates them and only them. There won’t be any feasts because each person will be waiting for someone else to make their food, but we’ll make it all work out eventually.
    

 
Have we missed anyone? Let us know your recommendations for new holidays and we will add them to the list that we deliver to Congress by way of our lobbyist friends on K Street. We can’t wait for the parties in 2022.
 
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