Leaning in to the boycott market, the new biggest lies in business, and the Olympic sport where I’d win gold…among other ramblings this week.

1. On average, men earn more money, do less housework, and never need to strain themselves to poop out any babies…and we still die five years sooner than the average woman.  Apparently, we wouldn’t get past the age of seven without the Patriarchy.
2. The owner of the diner was complaining that the price of a dozen eggs had more than doubled over the past year, jumping from about $1.50 to more than $3.00, and I felt bad about it, at first. Then I did the math. A dozen eggs at $3.00 is 25 cents per egg, so the two eggs in my breakfast order cost him 50 cents. Yeah, that’s up from 25 cents a year ago, but I’m paying $11 for my Sunrise Special and that doesn't include the coffee.
   
3. I have a friend who’s still trying to unload a ton of excess face masks and hand sanitizer from 2021, but help is on the way. I convinced him to send samples to a couple of trans influencers and the backlash will start in three…two…one… All his inventory will fly off the shelves as boycotters snap it up to burn it, run it over with tractors and, most photogenic of all, shoot it. I just hope he remembers to double the prices before the boycotts begin.
   
4. Why do people waste their time posting about things that will never happen, as if they’re adding some deep insight in the process? We aren’t going to abolish the Electoral College, since too many states benefit from it to vote against their own interest. We aren’t going to rerun the 2020 election. We aren’t going to outlaw guns. I wonder sometimes if people really think any of this is even possible, of if they’re looking for an excuse not to do anything real.
   
5. Why do they put warning signs on the floor or on the highway to alert us that surfaces are slippery when wet? Exactly what isn’t slippery when wet, and isn’t that the whole point of wet in the first place?
6. The biggest lies in business used to include, “The check is in the mail,” and "The cab will be there in two minutes,” but times change and lies must evolve to reflect our brave new world. Now, the top signs that your vendors are lying to you will come in the form of emails that begin “In order to serve you better…,“ “Giving you more of what you want…,” or “Your points just got much more valuable,” Then, it’s pretty much guaranteed we won’t be served better, we’ll be getting less of what we want, and all our points are worthless. Is it even doublespeak anymore if the meanings are 100% clear?
   
7. It turns out that talking is great exercise for the lungs and the more you talk, the less you need to do any of that aerobic crap. It will come as a surprise to no one that I am almost an Olympian.
   
8. All of us were getting 25 miles per gallon in sedans, but gas was cheap, so we traded for SUVs that get only 17 mpg. When gas prices rose last year, we didn’t kick ourselves for buying less efficient cars, though. We blamed Joe Biden, or oil company profiteering, or both.  
   

 
We’re all about giving you more of what you want at Dad Writes and we’ll be serving you even better if you click here to subscribe. In complete candor, though, there won’t be any check in the mail.
 
 

Tax time is just around the corner and, once again, Dad Writes is here to save our readers $trillions in unnecessary payments to the evil jackbooted thugs at the Internal Revenue Service.

Don’t be intimidated by the impenetrable forms and rules that the government puts out to cower us into compliance, and ignore all the so-called “experts” like “certified” public accountants. We’re just as certifiable as any of them and we know what the mainstream media won’t tell you.

Everyone knows there are two sets of rules in terms of tax liability. One is for the poor schlubs who pay all the bills and the other is for the ultra-rich, the people who can afford yachts and islands and an entire Disney+ bundle. The ultra-rich have their own tax code, which is how they pay 0.07% of their income in taxes while the rest of us are tossing back a quarter for every buck we earn. Never fear, though, because there are plenty of special tax tricks for regular folks, if you know where to look.

We hacked the IRS system, or, um, we heard from a friend of a friend that someone else—not us—might have hacked into the IRS system, and we might have found some super-secret tax breaks just lying on the street. Yes, that’s it. But now that we found those tax breaks, quite by accident and with no hacking whatsoever, we are exercising our First Amendment Rights to share them with our readers.

For instance, did you know…

1. If the Air Force shot down one of your weather balloons, it’s a fully deductible casualty loss. If your balloon was destroyed and unidentifiable, no worries. Just send in a photo of a balloon and tell the IRS how much it was worth.
   
   
2. If your self-driving car ran off the road and killed a moose, you can deduct the cost of the car, but you must recognize the moose as income. However, if you only grazed the moose, you can claim it as a dependent.
   
   
3. If you’re one of the countless Americans with classified documents taking space in your guest bedroom, the cost of storage is fully deductible, as long as you’ve filed Form 4546 with the FBI.
   
   
4. If you’re being forced back into the office, but you still work at home sometimes, you can deduct the cost of your travel from one “office” to another. You’re not commuting anymore so it’s inter-office travel and fully deductible. Well, we think that’s the new rule. Try it out and let us know how it goes.
   
   
5. If you lost money on an investment tip from George Santos, the loss is not deductible because, seriously, you should have known better.
   
   
6. If you bought a bunch of flag lapel pins to show you’re a true American, but now you have to replace them with AR-15 lapel pins, you can deduct 50 times the cost of the originals, one for each star. However, this deduction only applies if the pin was made in the USA and not China, so forget it.
   
   
7. If you sent a politician an emergency donation of $7 before midnight, but you still didn’t get your country back, you might be able to write off the payment, since it was really a loss due to fraud and not a political contribution.
   
   
8. If you did get your country back, you must declare the entire value of the United States as a capital gain, minus our national debt and, of course, the $7 you sent by midnight.
   
   
9. If you lost 100% of your investment in crypto currency, it’s fully deductible, assuming you can prove that crypto had any real value to begin with.
   
   
10. If you lost 100% of your investment in a Non-Fungible Token, it’s fully deductible, assuming you can prove that NFTs had any real value to begin with.
    
    
11. If you lost 100% of your investment in meme stocks…you get the idea.
    
    
12. If you won a bet after getting into an argument with someone on Twitter and they actually conceded that you were right and they were wrong, you owe no taxes on your winnings. That’s because the tax code doesn’t apply when you are clearly living in a parallel universe.
    
    
13. If you spent $500,000 entertaining a "friend" you met after he or she became a Supreme Court Justice, you must pay a 35% gift tax on your expenditure. If you consider it a marketing or lobbying expense, you may deduct the full cost. The Supreme Court Justice does not need to declare anything.
    

 
There’s much more, of course, including the special tax credit for defaulting on your student loans, the 150% deduction for hosting a banned book bonfire, and the always popular “cash receipts” switcheroo. Unfortunately, we can’t divulge all the secrets here, so you’ll have to ask your tax professional about those other tax-saving techniques.

We’re not allowed to disclose how many trillions of dollars our subscribers have saved by following our unique tax advice, but let’s just say it’s well worth the price of clicking here to subscribe.
 
 
 

Microwave potatoes, the heroism of Jimmy Buffett, and all the progress we haven’t made, among other blips rattling around my brain this week:

1. Jimmy Buffett is so much braver than almost anyone on the internet and here’s why: At the end of Margaritaville, he admits “It’s my own damn fault,” which is a sentiment I have never seen in all the posts I’ve read since the dawn of social media. We should all aspire to emulate his heroism, and also to drink more margaritas.
   
   
2. Every so often, I’ll end up at a public dock or, more rarely, a yacht club, and there’s almost always a framed newspaper story about the Titanic hitting an iceberg. But when I’m at the airport…
   
   
3. I was reading a book about historical developments and the suspicious resistance that long-ago people demonstrated in the face of everything new. Whether it was the government plot to enslave us through fluoridation or polio vaccines or the infringements on our freedoms when they mandated seat belts in our cars, we get really cranky when we have to change. At first, I felt relieved, because it puts today’s crises in context and demonstrates how things haven’t changed at all. Then I felt the grief, because things haven’t changed at all.
   
   
4. It turns out the fundamental flaw in the collectibles market is that there are way more collectibles than collectors.
   
   
5. Sometimes we forget to put the potatoes into the oven early enough, so we toss them in the microwave to precook for a few minutes and make up for the lost time. We did this one day when two of the grandkids were over and they thought microwave potatoes are the best thing ever. Instead of going home and telling their folks how we forgot to put the spuds in the oven, they asked if their parents could learn how to make microwave potatoes, too. It almost feels like cheating, but we’ll gladly add this to our win column.
   
   
6. Sobriety is such a buzzkill.
   
   
7. All these online surveys are getting to be a bit much. Last week, I had just opened a site when it asked me to rate the site’s performance—not in the future, but right now, before I could even look at the home page. By the way, how do you like this post so far? Isn’t it great? Wouldn’t you like to give it a twelve?
   
   
8. It goes without saying that there should be a fence and we are on the fence and nobody can climb the fence but us at any time that fence gets fountain gets bounced around and we fall off. No, I don’t have any idea what that means, either, but it’s how my phone transcribed it when I dictated a brilliant idea the other day. Rest assured that your life is better now that you’ve read it and, whatever you do, don’t fall off the fence.
   

 
Also, whatever you do, be sure to click here to subscribe to Dad Writes, just in case I ever figure out what that dictated text meant.