I can’t tell you how excited I am to file my tax return this year, along with all the other PATRIOTS who say the United States is the BEST COUNTRY ever. Tax Day is such a great holiday, an opportunity for all REAL AMERICANS to step up and be counted in the GREATEST DEMOCRACY with the GREATEST CONSTITUTION and the GREATEST PEOPLE. (Well, the greatest people if we exclude you-know-who from that other tribe.)
 
Frankly, I’m surprised the IRS site doesn’t have a tab to give them a tip when we e-file our payments. I tip the guy who brings me my cheeseburgers, so I should be able to tip the fine folks at the IRS who are handling my contribution to democracy. Maybe next year.
 
In the meantime, I’m excited to learn that our national government is an even bigger bargain than in the past, thanks to some really key new deductions that are available to selected taxpayers. (Readers will want to check with their own advisors to see if you qualify, of course.) Some of the new deductions are incredibly generous, just what you’d expect from your favorite Uncle, including:

1. Work from Home parents can now deduct the cost of toys, games and the extra IPad you bought your pre-schooler to keep them occupied while you made your remote sales pitches. Just submit form 1087-GOPLAYSOMEWHEREELSE
   
   
2. All expired memberships, tickets, coupons and fresh fruit can be deducted against income for 2020, although this special item excludes 20% off coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond. Even the federal government can’t print money fast enough to cover the potential hit from all those Bed Bath discounts. Consult Schedule 928-NOREFUNDS.
   
   
3. If you were quarantined for 14 days, your subscription to Netflix is deductible, but only if you didn’t chill. If you chilled, you broke the quarantine and the expense will be disallowed. Of course, if you were chilling with a customer, it’s an allowable entertainment cost. For further details, consult Schedule 14X-TIGERKING
   
   
4. If you tipped your delivery driver more than 30%, the tip is deductible as a charitable donation, but only if you ordered from a local company with less than 12 employees and the delivery was made by a teenager on a bicycle. Be sure to use form 4982-PIZZA
   
   
5. If you broke your touch screen while trying to find a vaccine appointment, a replacement device is deductible as a medical expense, but only if you actually obtained the vaccine. Refer to Schedule 2789-MAYBENEXTYEAR.
   
   
6. If you gained 50 pounds and finally decided to buy a Peloton bike, you can deduct the cost of the bike and subscription, but only after you’ve lost the 50 pounds. Don’t bother checking the schedule, since this is never going to happen, pal.  
   
   
7. If you looted a grocery store, a police station or the United States Capitol, any items you removed must be declared as income, even if you subsequently were forced to give them back. Be sure to provide proof of your involvement by attaching time-stamped videos and social media posts to Form 24601-FBI.
   
   
8. If you’ve been working from your dining room table for the past 12 months, the cost of the table, chairs, nearby light fixture and popcorn bowl are all deductible home office expenses. The deduction is reduced if you’ve used the dining room to entertain guests, but nobody does that anymore, so 100%, baby. Just complete Form 9881-DEATHBYZOOM.
   
   
9. Hip techies who gave up their spaces at WeWork to work from home can deduct the monthly rental even if they stiffed the company, utilizing the GameStop exemption for companies backed by hedge funds. Just fill out form 2087-SCREWU and you’re home free.
   
   
10. Speaking of which, if you held on to your Gamestop shares at least one year, but sold them before the stock jumped to $483, you can claim your lost profit opportunity as a casualty loss, but only if you reinvest your proceeds in a coal company. Consult Schedule 49-GREATERFOOL.

 
I’m taking advantage of all of these special deductions and it looks like I’ll be getting a big refund from the BEST COUNTRY EVER. Not only am I scheduled to receive of $2,813,938, but my accountant thinks it’s pretty certain that the U.S. government will give me secure housing for the next 15-20 years, or maybe even my entire life.
 
Is this a great country, or what?
 
Before you check with a tax professional to find out which of these amazing deductions is available to you, be sure to click here to subscribe to Dad Writes for more unbelievable advice.

 
 

I like getting my underwear delivered in a cardboard box. I like leaving the car in the garage when I’m “attending” a meeting. I like getting my own seat on the bus.  While everyone I know is positively giddy about a “return to normal,” I’m not so sure I want to join the party.

Fortunately, I won’t face that challenge because we aren’t returning to normal at all. Yes, we’ll probably get to a point this summer when a combination of vaccinations and herd immunity bring us back to almost all of our old pastimes, but it’s not going to be the same as the time before.

How could anything really be the same? We’re emerging from our reset with a different view of politics, of medicine, of our mortality. We come out of the pandemic with a different relationship with friends and family, tempered by political differences or Covid damage or a year of separation.

The high-schoolers and the college kids have a different worldview than before, and the newbies in the job market have a different basis for understanding their roles than the cohort that preceded them. The grandkids are a year older now, whether we had a chance to visit or not, and we cannot go back to recapture whatever we lost in our relationships with them.

We’ve changed our buying habits, businesses have reassessed their need for office space, the appeal of crowded bars and restaurants is not quite as energizing as it once was, and millions of people will never return to a buffet, or a casino, or a casino buffet. Not everyone will feel the same way about all of this, but all of us emerge as different people than we were a year ago.

A minor example: Fully vaccinated and about as safe as I’m going to get, I headed out to one of my favorite restaurants the other day. The building was the same, but all the servers were new, so it was just another place where nobody knows your name. I felt like a stranger in a spot that once felt like home. I’m sure it’s not the last time I’ll experience that sense of deja new.

Many of us will be surprised by what we encounter this spring and summer, but all of this is to be expected because “normal” has a shelf life of zero. Every day’s normal replaces the normal of yesterday and today’s normal will be gone by tomorrow morning. “New normal” is redundant, since every normal is new, and “back to normal” is a destination like Brigadoon. Maybe you’ll see it again a hundred years from now, but don’t count on it.

We think it’s normal to go through scanners at the airport. We think it’s normal to send text messages from phones that we carry in our pockets. We think it’s normal to vilify strangers on social media. And we’re right that all of these things are normal, now, but none of them even existed just a few years ago.

In the end, normal is just another impossible standard we set for ourselves and the world, an unreachable summit and a source of unwarranted disappointment.  You can’t step into the same river twice and you cannot go back to the way things were.

The moving finger writes…

The closest we’ll ever get to normal in this world is the steady and predictable delivery of a weekly Dad Writes post, but only if you subscribe by clicking here.

It was the first day of spring and the mercury hadn’t hit 50 degrees yet, but the restaurant wasn’t serving indoors and I needed some pancakes. So I sat outside in my winter coat and absorbed whatever warmth I could from the propane heater near my table, congratulating myself on how tough I’ve become and how well I can cope with dining al freezco.

Then it occurred to me that I’m not really that tough at all. For the people who live under the expressway at North Avenue, this is every meal, every night’s sleep, every new dawn. Braving the cold is a temporary discomfort for me. For them, it’s Tuesday.

As I raced to finish my breakfast before the syrup froze, I became increasingly grateful for the daunting experience of eating outside on a cold day; grateful for my usual good fortune in bypassing what is “normal” for too many others. I was cold and uncomfortable, and I ended up being grateful for both, thankful for the lessons provided by my temporary suffering.

Increasingly, I’m finding, gratitude is most meaningful on the downside. As I’ve mentioned in a prior post, It’s easy to be grateful when things are going well, but the deepest connections come from the setbacks.

During the winter, I was fortunate enough to spend some time in a couple of emergency rooms, an operating room and a hospital bed. The treatments extended over more than two months and there’s no question I would have been happy to avoid it. Still, I ended up grateful for the journey.

I was grateful for access to good medical care, of course, and grateful for the commitment medical workers were making for my safety. I was grateful for the fact this was only a temporary setback that would end at some point, rather than a chronic situation that would accompany me through life. And I was very, very grateful for Medicare, which processed more than $100,000 of medical bills, whittled the total down to $2,600, and left me owing just a few hundred bucks.

Finally, I was grateful for some valuable perspective about the minor nuisances that somehow command a huge portion of my attention, nuisances that disappeared from my awareness when something really serious took control. I was grateful for the opportunity to experience the pain and the discomfort that made me more aware and more pleased about the times when everything is fine.

It takes some work and a definite shift of perspectives to become truly grateful for the crap life can throw at you. Gratitude doesn’t make the bad things good or the hard times pleasant, but it does provide some added meaning to life, a bit of a payoff for the negative experiences. I’m just learning how to do it and the learning curve is far from smooth, but I’m finally starting to reap the benefits of my new education.

For which I am very, very grateful.

And while we’re on the subject, I’d be even more grateful is you’d click here to become a subscriber.
 


 
 
 
 

Screw the swallows and the robins and the Easter lilies and all the dog poop that has emerged from the snow bank by the curb. The real proof that spring has sprung is the crack of a bat and the smell of overflowing urinals.
 
Yes, baseball season is back with the unlimited potential of a Ponzi scheme and all the hope we’ll have abandoned by the ides of August.  Welcome to The Show, although the best performances won’t take place on the field.
 
Now that Ringling Bros. has folded its tent for the last time, the greatest show on earth is in the stands at a baseball game. When it comes to acrobats, daredevils and clowns, nothing really compares…
 
Cast your eyes on the life of the party, vastly over-served already, as he squeezes through the row while carrying six beers and two plates of nachos. Watch the fans flinching in the row ahead of him—distanced only in theory—as he rubs against their heads with his nether regions and showers them with Budweiser and salsa.
 
Applaud the veterans of the high-school show choir as they try valiantly to initiate The Wave, even though the stands are empty and the opposing team is at bat.
 
Marvel at the young couple staring at their cell phones as they live-stream the game and lament that there is no way to view it in 3-D.
 
Admire the enthusiasm of the fans who stand for the last pitch…for the first batter, and the second batter, and the third batter…while everyone behind them is forced to stand, one row after another, in order to see the damned game.
 
Share the optimism of noobs who leap to their feet to cheer for a homer, while everyone around them recognizes that it’s only a pop-up to short.
 
Honor the committed men who buy, and wear, an entire uniform with the number of their favorite player. If the team uses up all its pinch runners and pinch hitters and half the players have suffered from groin pulls, these heroes are all suited up and ready to play. Just in case.

Venerate the incredible faith of young parents who bring their toddlers to the game and expect them to just sit and watch for three hours. (Yeah, we know it works all the time with Frozen.)
 
Soak in the sagacity of the drunk old guy in the next row, the one with three chins and two teeth, as he explains the best strategy for winning the game. (Hint: It has to do with getting more runs than the other team.)
 
Respect the kidneys of the frat boys in line at the men’s room as they free up space for the three beers they just bought at last call.
 
Support law enforcement by cheering for the brave ushers who prevent fans from sneaking into the box seats…even though it’s the bottom of the eighth and there are only 300 people in the stadium.
 
Yes, the game itself is a four-minute chase scene inside a three-hour movie, but there’s non-stop thrills and giggles just off the field. Sometimes it pays to think outside the batter’s box.
 
 
 
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