Take a quick look at the photo that accompanies this post, the one with the panels from three comics that appeared recently in my daily newspaper. (Note to Millennials: Ask your parents to explain what a newspaper is.) Today’s post was supposed to focus on those comics, but it turns out that you won’t be able to read the story online.*
 
That’s because I have discovered the one thing you absolutely cannot publish on the internet. Yes, you can post pornography, threats, vile characterizations, fake videos and the worst moments of some stranger’s life. The thing you absolutely cannot post, though, is satire.
 
I tried, I really did, and my failure offers up a lesson about the medium that transforms the message.
 
Quick flashback: I was sitting at the kitchen table and I noticed that three comic strips all focused on the same topic on the same day: women’s hair. It’s pretty common that two comics might touch on the same theme on any given day, of course, because there are only so many general areas (family, money, exercise, pets…) that are universal sources of mirth. When I saw the trio about hair, though, it reminded me of Auric Goldfinger’s explanation that, “Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action.”
 
Genius!! I had been meaning to put together a post about conspiracy theories, but I hadn’t found the right way to tackle the subject. This blog is a politics-free zone, which prohibits any comments about 99.9999% of all conspiracies. But the comics pages are perfect. Nobody could really see a conspiracy among cartoonists, so a funny riff on a comics cabal would be exactly right.
 
So I wrote a post about the conspiracy I had uncovered among cartoonists to undermine America with their flagrant attacks on women, families and other institutions. I added ALL CAPS and bold type and underlines and SOMETIMES ALL THREE to mimic the suspect screeds that arrive in my morning feed.
 
And it’s pretty good, at least in comparison with most of my stuff, so I put it in the queue to run today. But then reality set in. The problem with putting satire online is that so many, many, many, many…many people do not grasp the difference between real and fake. Our subscribers would recognize the post as satire, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that somebody somewhere would miss the humor and launch a boycott against Blondie.
 
I tried adding a spoiler alert of sorts to the beginning of the post, but that’s like trying to explain why a joke is funny. I thought of adding a note at the end of the screed, but that would work about as well as the “thanks for sharing the fun” announcement at the end of the War of the Worlds broadcast.
 
In the end, I gave up. If we were sitting in a bar and I leaned in close and told you about the comics conspiracy, we could have a good laugh. On the internet, though, we’d cause a panic.

Damn. Now I need to think of something else I can post today.
 
* If you’d like to read the conspiracy rant, just leave a comment (include your email in the appropriate info box) and I will send the pdf to you by email. Don’t share it on the internet, though, because innocent lives are at stake.
 
Subscribers to dadwrites can share in all the mirth, along with a deep thought or two, thanks to the miracle of email. Join the fun by clicking here to receive our weekly miscues and minor attempts at humor.
 
 

Tip jars in the doctor’s office, heroic Millennials, and an uncomfortable response to my humor, just in case you were wondering…

1. I thought I was very clever when I came up with the question, “What Would Spock Do?” Clearly I was correct, because more than 8 million people have gone to Google to see when I would make it so.*
2. I am intrigued by all the people who insist that Millennials are the most entitled and lazy generation ever, but express great hope they will lead us to a new and improved society. I’m not sure I grasp step two in this process.
3. We pretty much end up with the lives we build for ourselves. If we’re honest about it and look back down the road we’ve traveled, we’ll recognize all the turns we took to achieve this result. 
4. A doctor’s job is a lot like they guy who dries the cars in a car wash. Each takes care of the person in front of them now, often with no idea how many more are lined up outside, and each needs to move quickly to make sure all the customers are served. Of course, the guys in the car wash get tips.
5. Curtain at 7:30 means we will open the show around 7:53, unless someone is still having a problem with makeup, in which case we’ll start at 8:07. Meanwhile, what can we do to make sure the audience is in their seats promptly at 7:15?
6. Tone deaf statement of the week: “I couldn't find any work in my major after I graduated, so I decided to take a job at my parents' company.”
7. Flight delays are so normal they aren't delays.
8. I hate it when I make a self-deprecating comment about one of my failings and then the room gets much too quiet.

 
 
*Yeah, I know “make it so,” was a completely different generation, but I wanted you to feel smarter about yourself. And, while you’re reveling in your cultural hipnitude, how about taking the logical step of clicking here to become a subscriber?

​So, last week I explained why being a dad is the easiest job in the world, which led millions of unengaged dads to leap off their couches and do their duty. I know because my mailbox has been stuffed with poopy diapers that other fathers have sent me, clearly to show their gratitude for my lessons in the Tao of Fatherhood.
 
This week, we continue our tutorial with a Father’s Day list of all the things you need to know to be a great dad. (Also a great mom, but I finished this too late for Mother’s Day.) Our super-secret list shows how simple it really is to raise great kids and finally earn your “World’s Best Dad” coffee cup.
 
And so, we submit with great pride and just a bit of trepidation…How to Be the Bestest Parental Unit Ever!!

1. Your kids are yours for about two years. Immediately after birth, mom and dad are 99% of their universe, but soon they interact with other people and with video screens and books and toys and your influence drops steadily. By the time they reach two, your influence level has dropped below 50%. You’re still the most important player in their universe, but not the majority influencer any more. And if there is already another child in the house, you’ll drop below 50% in about 18 months. Be very involved very early or the opportunity will disappear before they learn to speak.
2. You can’t love them too much. I got this one from Alan who got it from Irwin, and I have no idea who told Irwin, but it turned out to be very powerful. You can give them too much, spoil them too much, feed them too much….but you can’t love them too much. And by “love,” I am referring to the genuine affection and caring that lets them know they have a safe place where they belong and a person who is fully committed to them.
3. “No” is not the start of a conversation. So often, I will hear parents say “no” as if it’s a question. It’s not. “No” is a statement and it’s the end of the discussion, a point of no return. That means we need to be careful how often we say “no,” but we should mean it when we say it. Kids want structure in their lives and need to know how they fit into the world. “No” is a part of that structure. In a very real way, “no” gives meaning to “yes.”
4. Teach when they’re ready. By the time Little Tessa is tired and hungry and crying, it’s too late to explain things. Set the standards and the expectations while she’s calm and rested. Then, it’s much easier to maintain the balance when the stress level is higher.
5. They’re so much smarter than you. We’re never as intelligent as we were on the day we were born, but that intelligence can be masked by our lack of communication skills. Babies are like computers that boot themselves with no software, and they understand more than we think. Speak to them like you’d speak with an adult, use real words, and fill that giant server we call a brain.
6. Retreat is not surrender. I’m not a fisherman, but I understand that raising kids is like fishing. Sometimes you need to pull them in and sometimes you need to give them slack. Often, you need to give them slack when your ego says to rein them in.
7. Be there.  Sitting on the couch and watching the same screen is not togetherness. When you’re inhabiting the same space, make sure to build a memory.  
8. Never take credit. As noted in item 1, we become less and less significant as time goes by and our relative contribution to their development becomes smaller and smaller. They succeed or fail because they incorporate all kinds of lessons into their development. There’s no way to be sure your lessons are the ones that made the difference.
9. Invest in quantity time. People talk about quality time, but you can’t plan quality time, really. Quality happens when it happens, and it won’t happen if you don’t have enough quantity.
10. Speak with them, not just to them. Their ability to engage with adults, and with other children, begins with the adults in their homes. I’m a big fan of dinner without television or cell phones, and a really big fan of making them full partners in the conversation.
11. Get very, very lucky. Not sure how to plan this, but it worked very well for me and I recommend it to everyone.  
    ​

What sure-fire wisdom did we miss in our brief recap?  Feel free to share your hard-won insights in our comments section below, and also feel free to share this post with any other parents you know. There’s nothing moms and dads want more than unsolicited advice from total strangers, so they are sure to be thrilled with this Father’s Day present.
 
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With Father’s Day coming up next week, we can look forward to the annual media blitz about abusive fathers, fathers in prison, absentee fathers and generic baby daddies of all sorts. Just in case people were still feeling familial warmth after Mother’s Day, the third Sunday in June is the perfect time to balance the scales.
 
Oh, well. It’s not that the world is filled with inspirational stories about nurturing dads who helped their children to thrive. More common are the tales, often told by successful entrepreneurs, about being left destitute by drunk/absent/philandering/abusive fathers. That’s probably the reason that nobody looks into the TV camera at the football game and yells, “Hi, dad.”
 
This is incredibly surprising to me, because being a good dad is such an easy job that you’d think more men would give it a whirl. I’m not talking here about guys who don’t have kids. Nope, I’m focusing on the men who have children and are missing out on the honors, accolades and pedestal-upon-putting that comes with being even a moderately engaged dad.
 
Because, let’s face it, men benefit all the time from the incredibly low expectations that people (read: women) have about us. We can get major points for washing our own underwear, or even for putting it in the hamper. Our wives will brag about us if we make dinner once a month, and we qualify for a medal if we remember to put down the toilet seat. The bar is set so low for us that we almost need to dig a tunnel if we want to limbo under it. And yet... so many guys go the extra mile to give 110% and leave it all on the field in order to throw the game.
 
I supposed at one time that the era of unengaged fathers was over, a relic of my parents’ generation, or maybe mine, but certainly not a Gen X or Gen Y or Millennial thing. But the tradition seems to continue in many households where the sperm donor declines the opportunity to change diapers, bathe, clothe, feed or, in many cases, be alone with their children. (Yes, I have met men who are unwilling or unable to spend time with their own flesh and blood, unless mommy is there to make sure everything is fine.) I don’t know whether it’s fear or rigid gender roles, but it is insane on many levels.
 
First, it’s ridiculously easy to change a diaper. You can’t stab a baby with adhesive strips and, even if you put the diaper on wrong, you can blame the baby.
 
“Look at that mess. Zelda is already an overachiever in at least one area, hahaha. But I changed her last time, hon, so it’s your turn now.”
 
Second, you don’t have to change the diaper frequently; 5-10% of the time is enough to win awards for your commitment. And, if you “admit” to changing diapers with poop in them, you’re halfway to Dad of the Year. Still, so many dads refuse to change a diaper filled with doody balls that the guys who do the dirty work can qualify for pretty much anything except a hall pass.
 
Being an engaged dad takes some work, but the rewards are unbelievable, including a potential room over the garage when you get old and your wife finally evicts you. In the meantime, minor tasks like changing clothes, feeding, and reading bedtime stories are a piece of cake for real men. We’re the ones with the can-do, take-charge, problem-solving chromosomes.
 
Aren’t we?
 



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​Over lunch the other day, a friend related the challenges of adjusting to changes within his own company. He is the boss, the owner, the big cheese, but his biggest job is that of a professional shape shifter, finding ways to adapt in order to remain relevant, and valuable, within the company he founded.

He was once the chief salesman, chief marketing officer, chief financial officer, and the chief everything else. Now, though, he needs to figure out new roles for himself at each step of the company’s development and with each new hire.

Over lunch the other day, a friend related the challenges of adjusting to changes within her own family. She is the mom, the aunt, the grandmother, but her biggest job is that of a shape shifter, finding ways to adapt in order to remain relevant, and valuable, within the family she founded.
 
She was once the mom of children, then college kids, then the mother-in-law and, now, a grandmother. And there’s no stability in sight, because she knows her relationships with her grandchildren will shift again as they grow.

Life, it turns out, is a continuous process of adaptation, a series of transformations into new roles, new responsibilities, new identities. We’re the...
...big-dog eighth grader
...lowly freshman
...big-dog senior
...lowly freshman
...new hire
...old hand
...new hire again
...old hand again
...the girlfriend
...the husband
...the dad
...the grandmother
...the caregiver
...the patient
...the survivor.

The crazy part is that we seem to be surprised when it happens. We change our roles and our positions in each organization continually, whether it’s our family, school, workplace or homestead. Each time, though, we wonder at the experience of needing, once again, to find our place, to make the adjustments, to fit into our new situation. Some people say they avoid change in their lives, but those people aren’t really paying attention, are they?

This could be a great life hack, a terrific lesson we can pass on to our children and grandchildren. Your life will be a continual process of adapting to new roles and new situations, with so many transformations that you probably won’t even notice when some of them are happening. Stay alert, though, because the lessons are largely the same and you’ll be applying them again and again and again.
 
Just as we share 99% of our DNA with chimpanzees, our transitions share 99% of the same factors, as well. New job, new school, new marriage, new friends…all bring the same mix of excitement and trepidation, insecurity and identity. The jargon changes, but the fundamentals are the same.

Unfortunately, our mistakes are often the same, as well. We all have a friend who keeps falling into mismatched relationships or jobs or investments. Sometimes that “friend” is the person who looks back at us in the bathroom mirror each morning. Once we learn to recognize the patterns, though, we can figure out what we’ve done well and poorly in the past, so we can ace the next test and the one after that.

​The specifics will change, but the process is eternal. New situation? No sweat. I’ve done this before.


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