I keep thinking that Lenny was really unhappy with his painting, but he didn’t have enough time to fix it. He kept making little adjustments until he died, and then the world fell in love with the very screw-up that he regretted. At least that’s how I would tell the story.

It was the smile, or the smirk, or the half grin that made the picture so appealing, but what did it mean? Had Lenny witnessed her pleasure when she recalled her affair with Cesare or was it the moment when she had just passed gas and grimaced, hoping he hadn’t noticed?

Whatever it was, it was done. Or, more accurately, he was done and his favorite painting would never be completed. Da Vinci is said to have fiddled with the Mona Lisa until his final days, never quite achieving whatever perfection he was seeking. Like the rest of us, he died with a to-do list.

Now I’m wondering about other great works of art, along with the lesser lights, in all the museums I’ve visited. How many of their creators regretted a stroke or daub, wished they could add another frog to the pond or a tire swing in the tree? Is there any artist anywhere, or any person for that matter, who doesn’t have second thoughts about their stories, a yearning for something just a bit different, a need for just one more opportunity to get it right?

In fact, we all have a million unfinished projects in our lives. Most of the time, we just let them go and move on. Too often, though, we dwell incessantly on the Three Horsemen of Regret: Woulda, Coulda and Shoulda. It’s not over until we say it’s over and, for some self-destructive reason, we find it impossible to close the door.

Somewhere along the line, we probably make a choice about the issues we’ll drop and the ones we’ll hold dear. From a million slings and arrows, we pick a handful to fill our quivers and toss the rest to the side, never to be addressed again. I can’t imagine there’s that much difference among all these hurts, all these unfinished conversations, but somehow we select the ones that will haunt us and we never, ever let go.

Why am I still mad at Max for ditching me at the party, but I didn’t care when Ed did the same thing? Why can’t I forgive Sandy for blabbing about my arrest, but I didn’t have any problem when Danny spilled the beans? Very complex, and confusing, isn’t it?

Looking back at Da Vinci, we’re clearly in good company. Still, there comes a time to turn the page and write a new chapter, to declare the competition over and a new game begun. Today is a good day to say goodbye to some unfinished business, simply by deciding it’s done.

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Why are we paying people to preserve our problems, and the business that Covid won’t kill, plus much more today at…

1. By the time you figure out what you want to do with your life, it’s too late. Yes, there are a handful of people who know their destiny from birth, but almost all of us bounce around from mistake to mistake as we try to make sense of it all. We end up in jobs we never heard of when we were kids, working with technologies and jargon that didn’t exist when we were born, following the path of least resistance more than we’re following our dreams. And yet, miraculously, I don’t know many people who are consumed by regret about dreams abandoned, about roads not taken. For the most part, we make the best of things and figure out a way to be happy, or at least satisfied, with whatever results we can carve out of our lives. 
   
   
2. I really miss clocks in diners. It used to be so easy to go to lunch with someone and check the time when you got bored with them. Just look over to the wall where the clock was, ask, “Have you seen our server?” and you knew what you needed to know. Now, you have to look down at your phone and everyone knows you’re counting the minutes until you can leave. 
   
   
3. All the first cousins took a tour of Chicago a while back, visiting all the places our grandparents and parents lived and worked and went to school as they built a life for us to inherit in this country. Of course, we had to imagine a lot of it, since pretty much every spot is now a Starbucks. 
   
   
4. When a show gets delayed by some news or other development, why don’t DVRs adjust and record the show at whatever time it actually starts? With all the technology advances in the world, this one seems to be so obvious and, to my uninitiated eye, so simple. There must be more to it, though, since we’ve been recording shows for four decades and we haven’t figured out how to make it work. 
   
   
5. If you’ve ever wondered why nothing gets done around here, consider the perverse incentives that drive our search for solutions. Customer service reps get better reviews if they get you off the phone quickly than if they actually solve your problem. Pharmaceutical companies make more money treating diseases than they do by curing them or, worse, preventing them in the first place. Politicians raise tons of money complaining about problems, while the coffers dry up after they’ve actually solved any of them. Think of almost any business/profession/venture where nothing seems to get resolved and you’ll probably find someone being rewarded for the wrong thing.
   
   
6. Sometimes people just give you a one-word answer to a question and you know that's an answer they give by reflex. I mentioned the homeless problem to a friend and, immediately, the guy said "welfare," as if he knew all the details. I asked about customer retention at a business and the owner said, "trust," although he has never actually measured trust among customers or whether they trust him more than they trust his competitors. I guess it’s easier to know all the answers if you don’t actually need to think about the questions.
   
   
7. We made sure to take our grandkids to the racetrack in Arlington Heights before it closed for good, and we took them to the Ringling Bros. circus before they bit the sawdust, as well. I doubt they’ll remember any of it when they’re older, but I’m hoping I get some points for giving them the chance to say they went there and did that. I’m sure it will be as impressive as when I tell Gen Xers that I saw a concert with Gerry and the Pacemakers. 
   
   
8. I went to a movie theater a few weeks ago because it was one of those films that you really want to see on a big, big screen. After paying for the tickets and parking and popcorn, we watched 30 minutes of ads and previews before the film started. When the theater goes out of business, they’ll blame Covid.

 
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So Valentine’s Day is coming up and I would say that I’m panicked about what I should do, but what guy gets panicked about this before midnight on February 13?

No guy, that’s who, and I can prove it with real scientific science. According to research at the Human Genome Project, the third exon of the DLG3 gene makes it impossible for men to learn from past mistakes. That’s why we never remember to put down the seat, run the dishwasher, open the car door or order flowers. And, yes, it absolutely is in our DNA, so anyone who criticizes us for this is a hater and a geneticist.

Being a manly, man’s man, I am not doing any planning for Valentine’s Day, at least for myself. For the benefit of my millions of followers, however, I have undertaken intensive research about ways to make this VD very, very special. Just follow these three simple rules and you’ve got your own romcom, minus Drew Barrymore.

1. Up your game. Yeah, this might require some actual effort, but we were coasting last year. In 2021, any guy with half a brain was telling his S/O about all the incredible plans that Covid wrecked. “Yeah, dear, we were going to France and then to Italy and I rented a chateau for us in the Swiss Alps and, you know that diamond bracelet you loved at Tiffany’s/Neiman’s/Walmart? Danged Covid.”
   
   Hope you took maximum advantage of that break last year, because we aren’t likely to enjoy such wonderful pandemic lockdowns anytime soon. This year, we have to move up from zero, which is a heavy lift, I know.
2. Be first. The first person to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” is the winner. If your S/O gets to say it first, you’ll spend the rest of the day playing catch-up. Gain first-mover advantage by setting the alarm for 12:01 a.m., or earlier, and whispering/texting/phoning your sentiments. Midnight is the best time, of course, because you know you’re as early as possible and you can sleep late the next morning with no risk of being the second wisher.
   
   Pro tip: Don’t just say, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Be sure to add, “Can’t wait for all the plans I’ve made for us.” No, doofus, you don’t actually have to make any plans before VD arrives, but mentioning your plans really cements your status as a truly romantic devil. Plus, it puts your S/O on the defensive, which is key to winning Valentine’s Day.
   
   
3. Make plans. After you’ve slept in and you’re all rested up, it’s time to get to work. Don’t panic, though, because everything you need is available for same-day delivery.
   
   When you wake up, be sure to mention your message from midnight and ask if your partner received it. You know the answer, but it’s important to reinforce that you were first and they are the ones on defense. If they ask what you have planned, say it’s a surprise. That will be true, because you haven’t figured it out yet. And you don’t need to think about it much, because we’ve created the three best options for you.
   
   
   1. First, there’s the wine and chocolate package, which is just what it sounds like. Get same-day delivery on everything, but make sure there are separate orders, so you can say it’s a day-long celebration. Pro tip #2: Get more than one wine delivery, maybe seven.
   2. Second, consider the ironic package, which would include a single rose and a heart-shaped pizza. Make it clear that you know how truly, truly lame it is, but say you thought it was so kitschy that it’s really fun.
      
   3. Third, there’s romantic movie night, at home, with catering by Orville Redenbacher and Wilbur Domino. Both easy and peasy.
      
      

Of course, Valentine’s Day is in a Monday this year, so some guys have already been conned into doing something over this weekend. If that’s already happened to you, you are a major loser and unworthy of our priceless wisdom. The smart guys know how to say they want to keep the holiday pure by celebrating on its own special day. Well, they’ll know to say that around midnight tonight, at least.

Seriously, how would you survive without our heroic rescues?
 
Now that you’ve learned how to be the perfect romantic partner with approximately zero effort, don’t you want to know how to win at St. Patrick’s Day? Of course, you do, so click here to subscribe.
 
 

It’s time to admit we made a big mistake and just start over. And I’m not talking just about Western Civilization here. This problem is global and it’s costing us billions in lost productivity and waste every day.

Yes, we're talking about the stuff we use to shovel food into our faces, the hoity toity pointy things that separate us from the savages who eat with their hands. We’re talking about forks and knives and spoons, of course, and especially the worst invention of all time, chopsticks.

Yes, there’s history and tradition and folklore at stake, but it’s best to fess up now and move on. We made a mistake, we can fix it, and we can do better in the future.

Let's start with forks, which are a perfect example of too many options and no real differences. We’ve got salad forks, dinner forks, fish forks, oyster forks, pasta forks, even ice cream forks, and basically they’re all just sticks with extra points. Skewer the food, put it in your piehole and chew. Why make it more complicated than that?

Our most frequent plague is the salad fork, which offers no benefit whatsoever. They’re smaller than dinner forks, as if that makes some functional difference, and they’re absolutely useless for eating salad the way it’s made today. There was a time when salads were all the same...tiny pieces of lettuce with a chopped tomato tossed in for color. Now, your typical piece of “salad” is a whole spinach leaf that you have to fold over twenty times before it becomes a bite-size morsel. Try picking one up with a salad fork and you have to keep shoveling in the pieces still hanging after the first two feet get past your lips. Tongs would work much better, if you ask me.

Then there’s the butter knife, which is designed for the stick butter nobody uses anymore,. We’re all using whipped butter now, but butter knives are still too long to fit into the tub to scrape out a serving and they’re pathetic at spreading the butter anywhere.

Teaspoons are just plain silly, since sugar comes in packets, not bowls, and stirring our tea is an archaic affectation of the landed gentry. And don’t get me started on soup spoons, those gigantic shovels that are so big they leave half the soup stranded in the bowl. I think Mad Magazine invented a combination soup spoon/straw that should have caught on decades ago, if we weren’t so fixated on custom that we can’t change for the better. Now is the time, friends, even though straws are on the defensive in our fight to save the sharks.

Table knives? What’s the point? You can cut the soft items with the edge of your fork—even if it isn’t exactly etiquette 101—and they’re not sharp enough for anything that actually requires cutting. Why not just change the name of steak knives to dinner knives and save us all a ton of time and aggravation. Also, one less piece of inventory we’ll need to keep on hand in the kitchen drawer and one less item on the bridal registry.

And then there’s chopsticks. Yes, I know, ancient traditions, cultural touchstones, yada yada. But, really, let’s get real. They’re sticks. As bad a job as the rest of the world has done in designing stuff to get food into our gullets, these are not exactly Asia’s finest contribution to civilization. I use them when I’m eating Chinese food, but I have yet to find a meal where a fork would not work just as well or better. And, well, they’re sticks.

In fact, the perfect food for chopsticks isn’t Asian at all. It’s Cheetos. The worst thing about eating Cheetos is that the “cheese” crumbs and grease get all over your hands. You can’t eat them with a fork or spoon, but with chopsticks? Problem solved.

So maybe we don’t need to get rid of chopsticks, or salad forks, or soup spoons, but a whole ton of repurposing is definitely in order. Where are all those out-of-the-box thinkers when we need them? The last great invention in eating utensils was the spork, and we’ve all aged a ton since then.

Meanwhile, try the veal.

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