Isn’t it just like the lame-stream media and left-coast liberals to complain about every little problem they suddenly noticed after January 20? There’s a nit here and a nit there, but we’ve never seen a presidential administration—even the ones before George Washington—that started with so much winning.

Particularly on leftist media like Blue Sky, all you see is Trump bashing, as if Donald the First is not the greatest president since Ozymandias. That’s crazy, because all you need to do is scratch the surface to see his yuge list of great successes in just a couple of months…

• Inflation is about to plunge, plunge, and plunge even further, now that Elon is throwing so many federal workers into the unemployment line and millions of private sector workers are getting cut due to tariffs. None of them will be able to buy anything, but they’ll all be selling their labor for a lot less than before and that’s a big win for American business.
  
• Those same businesses are getting another huge win as tariffs give domestic manufacturers the room to raise their own prices by 10-200%, depending on how ticked off Trump was when he woke up this morning. (Sorry, I know I wasn’t supposed to say woke.)
  
• With 200% tariffs on all those snooty, overpriced Frenchie wines, Americans can rediscover the incredible value of Boone’s Farm and Summit. If only Donald had arrived on the scene earlier, perhaps Ripple would not have died in vain.
• Trump's big crypto push is one of our strongest tools for fighting inflation, as thousands of new currencies are introduced each week and most of them crash and burn within days. Suddenly impoverished speculators reduce the demand curve across the economy, which will make eggs affordable again.
• Speaking of eggs, demand and prices are about to plunge, now that vaccines are going to be illegal. Aside from all their deadly side effects, egg-cultured vaccines pushed prices up over the years. Thanks to Donald the First and Bobby KJ, those days are gone.
  
• Rural counties have complained for a long time that they’re just flyover zones ignored by the media, but now they’re finally getting the attention they deserve as they lead the surge in measles.
  
• Now that the White House is available as a used car lot, DOGE can afford to keep federal offices open around the country by setting up farmers’ markets, art fairs, and, of course, Spirit Halloween stores.
  
• Even better, the administration is about to add stock market performance to the consumer price index, which will drive down the rate of inflation even more. And, with the inflation rate well below zero, the Fed will have no choice but to cut interest rates by 90%.
  
• Cigarette sales are falling as cash-strapped Americans cannot afford their vice of choice, which is going to lead to sharply lower cancer rates in the years ahead. Not as big a reduction as we’d have if we stopped taking all those poisonous vaccines, but it’s a start.
  
• Also, too, besides that, nobody has to drive polluting cars now that their jobs are gone and there’s no reason to return to the office. Finally, all those environmental wackos can stop complaining about that climate change hoax.
  

Promises made and promises kept, that’s what I say. Donald predicted we’d all be saying, “Sir, so much winning, we can’t take anymore,” and he was right as always. Seriously, we can’t take any more.
 
 Subscribe? Why, yes, I'd love to, and all I need to do is click here?
 
 
 
 

I stole a cup of coffee the other day and I think it was a particularly ethical act on my part. Not worthy of a parade, unless you really want to go to all the effort, but there are certainly attaboys due for my heroism.

I was early for an appointment, so I ducked into a coffee shop with every intention of buying and paying the full price for a cuppa Joe. When I got into the store, though, the only way to order anything was via a kiosk where you spend about 4 days answering all the prompts. I hate these things, both because they make the process waayyyyyy too long and because they’re just one more way for businesses to win their war on people.

As an oldster, I have the luxury of going up to the counter in any of these app-driven stores and asking a human for help. Everyone assumes I’m too technically deprived to operate their devices and they just sell me a cup of coffee, or whatever, like real people used to do in the old days. I get my coffee faster, I don’t have to contaminate my hands on the kiosk buttons everyone else was fondling, and I help a real person keep their job. Truly, I am a hero.

So, I do my usual thing, walking past the electronics and telling the guy behind the counter that I want a cup of coffee. He grabs a cup, hands it to me, and walks away, leaving me alone with an empty cup and a row of machines, just waiting for me to take my pick.

Okay, so I’m not exactly Whitey Bulger or John Dillinger, but I’ve just gotten away with the biggest score of my life. If I did this every day, I’d be a billionaire in only 685-thousand years. Woohooooo!

Then my conscience pops up and tells me I should be paying for the coffee and I go back to locate my co-conspirator, but he’s nowhere to be found. I could ask for a manager and settle up like an honest bloke, but then I’d be revealing that my benefactor screwed up and maybe he’d get in trouble. Maybe he has made this mistake before and now he’ll get fired for being nice to me. Maybe he’ll end up walking the streets, homeless and unloved, increasingly desperate, turning to a life of crime, killing millions of people, even going so far as to tear the labels off a mattress…and all because I turned him in.

As is often the case with ethics, the answers have nuance. I can ease my conscience by paying the four bucks, but that would be incredibly self-indulgent on my part, especially if I destroyed a young man’s career opportunities and encouraged his homicidal tendencies along the way. I could toss the empty cup in the trash and just walk out, but that would be like giving karma the finger, and I hear she’s a bitch. Or, I could just pour myself a cup of ambition and saunter out like the winner I am.

Well, citizens of our fair land, you can rest easy today. I bravely tapped the dispenser and walked out of the store without paying for the coffee, preventing a cascading catastrophe that would have ultimately impacted every law-abiding citizen in America, and even parts of the Trump administration.

No need for thanks, really, but if you’re feeling particularly grateful, you could always buy me a cup of coffee.

Subscribe? Why, yes, I'd love to, and all I need to do is click here?
 
 

I took a lot of heat last week after posting my 2025 Year in Review. People said, “Sir, you are a genius and, Sir, you are 150% correct as always, but also, Sir, isn’t there any good news to share?” Yes, Virginia, there is good news and we are delighted to let you in on the top 20 feel-good stories you’ll be feeling good about in 2025, including:

1. Bitcoin hits an incredible $250,000 per bit, or maybe it’s per coin. Nobody knows, but the price can only go up from here, as long as nobody tries to spend one.
   
2. Now that everyone is using AI nonstop, we no longer need to double check on Snopes to find out if a post is fake. Yes, absolutely, it is.
3. Peace will reign on social media, now that all the lefties have deserted Twitter to talk among themselves on Blue Sky and all the righties can commiserate without a bunch of liberal whiners invading Muskville. Until the bots show up, of course.
4. As of January 6, when the Republicans take control of both House and Senate, the national debt will cease to be an issue facing America.
5. As of January 20, with one party in control both Congress and the Presidency, we can expect a new era of calm and cooperation in the federal government. 
6. Business owners who were afraid of the taxes they might pay if they ever became billionaires will finally be able to put their fears to rest.
7. We’re bringing God back in a big way. For example, it will be considered an Act of God and not an act of negligence when your Tesla bursts into flames.
8. Insurance companies will make so much money from Act of God exclusions that an extra 27 people will be approved for heart surgery and 40,000,063 more men will be able to obtain free Viagra.
9. We won’t need a passport to visit Canada, Mexico, Greenland or Panama after they join the Union. Even better, China will beg to become our 55th state after they go broke paying all those tariffs.
10. None of us will be searching the night sky for alien drones, now that killer bees are back on the march.
11. There won’t be any storms or data breaches or fires or disease outbreaks “Of the Century” in 2025, because we’ve already experienced nothing but “Of the Century” crises since Y2K arrived.
12. Now that the nation’s leading character witnesses have sons named Enrique Tarrio, Pete Hegseth, and Elon Musk, everyone who has even thought of becoming a scumbag will be much nicer to THEIR moms this year.
13. Our cell phone bills are plunging now that we’re down to only 250 texts per day, versus 14,389 in November, from Act Blue.
14. The Eras Tour is finally over, so we don’t have to pay attention to a person who is much younger, more talented, more successful, more popular, and infinitely more beloved by our children.
15. The battle over working from home and returning to the office will finally be won as AI takes over all the jobs in America and nobody with a pulse is working anywhere.
16. 2024 was a mess, but there’s a new self-help system they’ll be writing about in January that is absolutely guaranteed to turn everything around, and in a good way, before St. Patrick’s Day.
17. Junk mail will be a thing of the past, as all mail becomes a thing of the past, in a massive government restructuring. No more opening the mailbox to find dozens of new bills, so we can spend as much as we want with no consequences.
18. Filet mignon will be much, much cheaper, or at least it will seem that way as avian flu sends egg prices soaring. Again.
    
19. Speaking of which, we’ll finally have a chance to use all those spare face masks left over from Covid days as HN51 makes the leap from birds to cows to humans.
20. Global warming will disappear as all the smoke from California wildfires blocks out the sun from June through eternity.

Clearly, 2025 is going to be a really great year filled with all kinds of good news. Betcha can’t wait, can you?
 
 
 
 
 

There’s no new news in the news business today, as pretty much every media outlet in the universe is going to tell us "facts" we already know from a year that is finally coming to a whimpering finish.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if we could read about the year to come, instead, discovering all the news we’ll be lamenting this time next year? Well, yes, yes it would. That’s why the extremely generous prognosticators at Dad Writes are delivering the news that’s even newer than new news, because none of it has happened. Yet.

2025 in Review. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

                                                              JANUARY

January 1             The new year dawns with wildfires in California, bomb cyclones in New Jersey, flooding in Arizona, and three post-season hurricanes in Florida. Americans are overjoyed as the catastrophes crowd out political news for one glorious day.

January 2             Political news dominates the headlines as Democrats ascribe the year’s freak weather to global warming and Republicans blame Joseph Robinette Biden for the disasters. American optimism disappears and everyone resets their calendars for Y2K.

January 3             In a precedent-setting action, the newly seated House of Representatives votes to impeach both Joseph Robinette Biden and Kamala Devi Harris, sending the bill to a Senate that is still in recess. House Speaker Mike Johnson applauds the effort to bring the outgoing president and vice president to justice, although the bill of particulars states only, “Because we know they did it.”

January 6             Congress meets in joint session to count electoral votes for president and declares Donald J. Trump the winner in 2024, as impeached vice president Kamala Devi Harris lacks the courage to do the right thing. With a new Republican majority in place, Congress corrects the historical record by declaring Trump the winner in 2020. Also 2028, just to get ahead of the curve.

January 19          On his last day in office, Joseph Robinette Biden issues a record 14,294,582 pardons, covering every public official, media personality, and Tesla competitor on Donald J. Trump’s enemies list. In an incredible mix-up, the list of names is generated by AI and includes both Benedict Arnold and Spongebob Squarepants.

January 20          The nation observes Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, recognizing the journey and accomplishments of the civil rights leader. Although King’s life offers many lessons for young people, schools will be closed and nobody will learn anything about him today.

January 20          Returning from its second recess of the year, the Senate takes up the bill of impeachment against Joseph Robinette Biden, but cannot complete the process before Donald J. Trump is inaugurated at noon. Trump offers to delay the inauguration to give Senators more time, but the caterers refuse any delays and the impeachment effort fizzles.  

January 20          Later the same day, Donald J. Trump is sworn in as the 47th president of the United States, promising to make the country safe again for tech bros and other billionaires. For the first time this decade, an outgoing president attends the inauguration of his successor.

January 21          On his first day in office, Donald J. Trump issues a new record 14,294,583 pardons, including all January 6 patriotic tourists, all 9,492 of his disbarred lawyers, 13,294 employees at Mar a Lago, Ivana’s pall bearers, and his entire Cabinet.

January 22          Elon Musk announces a 90% cut in funding for the Justice Department, noting that the agency has nothing left to do after all the nation’s criminals and not-yet-charged persons have been pardoned. He claims the cost savings as the first measurable impact of his Department of Government Efficiency.

January 23          The Federal Bureau of Prisons announces all its facilities will be leased to The Trump Organization to create a new chain of “luxury” hotels.

                                                             FEBRUARY

February 9          Football action is forgotten as Taylor Swift headlines the half-time show at Super Bowl LIX and belts out a new song proposing to Travis Kelce. Fans rush the field and the second half of the game is postponed until after the wedding reception in July.

February 12        Illinois recognizes the birthday of Abraham Lincoln, who is regarded by elitist, professional “historians” as the greatest president in U.S. history. Although Lincoln’s life offers many lessons for young people, schools will be closed and nobody will learn anything about him today.

February 17        Presidents Day arrives with a celebration of all our presidents, even that rascally Andy Johnson. Commentators are careful not to choose a "best" Commander in Chief, lest anyone feel othered, but everyone gets a participation trophy.

February 20        In a party-line vote, Congress declares Donald J. Trump the best president that ever was and ever will be, and renames the third Monday in February as President Trump’s Day. House Speaker Mike Johnson praises the end to partisan claims about any other president.

February 24        The Chicago White Sox forfeit their first spring training game as the entire team is simply too embarrassed to show up. The storied franchise finishes its spring training series with a 1-14 record, a great improvement from 2024.

February 25        In other baseball news, the New York Mets announce record-high ticket prices for the 2025 season, with bleacher seats for weekday games set at $800 a pop. Fans decide they don’t really like Juan Soto after all.

                                                               MARCH

March 1               In a surprise move, the Internal Revenue Service announces that direct deposit of tax refunds will be suspended indefinitely as all filers will receive their refunds in the form of checks signed by Donald J. Trump. The U.S. Postal Service increases its deficit forecast for 2025 to $800 billion.

March 5               Health and Human Services Secretary RFK,J! announces the closing of the Centers for Disease Control, citing its ineffectiveness in preventing brain worms. Elon Musk claims credit on behalf of the Department of Government Efficiency.

March 12             The Onion ultimately wins its bid to acquire Info Wars from Alex Jones, overcoming resistance from both the right-wing host and the judge overseeing the case. Onion’s leaders promise to carry on the Info Wars tradition by only posting stories that sound like they might be real, but are actually fake.

March 16             The War on Christmas continues as homeowners' associations force residents to get off their duffs and take down their yuletide decorations. Three Congressional committees launch investigations into the weaponization of inflatable reindeer. 
              
March 20             Winter takes its final bow as the sun crosses the equator and spring returns to the northern hemisphere. It's the biggest head fake in nature, though, as the mercury will stay in the 40s across most of the country until May. If you live in St. Paul, you’ll wait until August 12.

March 27             The Chicago White Sox nearly forfeit their home opener as none of the team’s players is willing to show his face after their 2024 performance. Quick-thinking managers recruit 25 ticketholders, essentially everyone in the stands, and the makeshift crew defeats the Los Angeles Angels 18-3.

                                                                     APRIL

April 2                   Donald J. Trump appoints Nick Fuentes to head up a new commission on anti-Semitism, but Fuentes declines the opportunity, citing his workload as chair of Trump’s Commission on Women’s Rights. He adds he is still open to chairing Trump's new commission on racial justice.

April 15                Tax Day rolls around and television news crews loiter outside their local post offices to interview last-minute filers. Shockingly, none of the people interviewed complains they are paying too little in taxes.

April 16               The nation observes Emancipation Day, recognizing President Lincoln's proclamation ending slavery in the District of Columbia. Many people confuse the observance with the Emancipation Proclamation, which generated a ton of buzz but really didn't free anyone.

April 21               Some guy from Kenya wins the Boston Marathon.

April 23                Kristi Noem is relieved of her duties as Secretary of Homeland Security after immigration agents include Mar a Lago among facilities to be cleared of illegal aliens. Before being shipped back to whichever Dakota she came from, Noem receives a new puppy as a parting gift.

                                                                MAY

May 1                   Hawaii celebrates Lei Day. (Insert punchline here.)

May 5                   Grocery stores around the country report shortages of Hellman's Mayonnaise as incredibly original comedians discover a new way to lampoon Cinco de Mayo on Facebook. Strangely, no people of Mexican descent find the whole thing amusing.

May 10                 HHS Secretary RFK,J! announces a ban on all corn sweeteners, sending sugar prices soaring and plunging the farm economy into depression. On a positive note, the price of ethanol drops 80% and gasoline falls to $1.87 per gallon as promised.

May 30                 Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break off their engagement and split up. Swifties are overjoyed as they anticipate the new songs that will follow on her upcoming Exes Tour.

                                                                     JUNE

June 3                   In a scandal that rocks the world of fine dining, Michelin revokes its 3-star rating from Der Casa les Shanghai after it’s discovered that their celebrated Poulet a l’Orange is really orange chicken from the Panda Express across the street.

June 10                 HHS Secretary RFK,J! announces a new food pyramid that highlights vegetables and starches, with exceptions for whale, bear and Trump Steaks. New York closes Central Park, just in case.

June 12                 Elon Musk announces a major move to reduce his department’s budget by firing Vivek Ramaswamy from the Department of Government Efficiency. He replaces Ramaswamy with a chatbot that has been trained to agree with whatever Musk says.

June 19                 Texas observes Juneteenth as heralding the end of slavery, two months after the national holiday. To be fair, the original Juneteenth occurred in Texas in 1865, more than two months after the South surrendered, so this whole delay thing is a time-honored tradition in the Lone Star State.

                                                                      JULY

July 1                     Thousands die after taking part in Tik Tok’s Raw Milk Challenge, following newly approved guidance from the Department of Health and Human Services. HHS Secretary RFK,J! blames poor parenting, noting that 99% of the victims were vaccinated as children.

July 4                     The nation observes Independence Day, recognizing the bold journey and accomplishments of our nation’s founders nearly 250 years ago. Although their achievements and failures offer many lessons for young people, schools will be closed and nobody will learn anything about them today.

July 15                  The Department of Government Efficiency accelerates its progress by requiring that all federal workers commute to and from work in Tesla Robo Taxis. After the first 400 taxis burst into flames, more than 75,000 career bureaucrats take early retirement.

July 22                  The Bureau of Economic Analysis reports a 5% increase in gross domestic product as 300 million Americans on Ozempic decide to buy new clothes.

                                                                       AUGUST

August 10            The Chicago Bears open their 2025 season with a road trip to Baltimore, where they will end up firing their head coach during the middle of the second quarter. Fed up with the team’s performance, the McCaskey family will send the team home in Tesla Robo Taxis.

August 14            The Bureau of Economic Analysis reports a 12% decline in gross domestic product as 95% of the nation is now on Ozempic and nobody wants any food, alcohol, gambling, cigarettes or even beef jerky. (Note: Beef jerky is the nectar of the gods, but you can’t really classify it as “food.”)

August 17            The Chicago Bears open their first home game with an updated rendition of 1985’s Super Bowl Shuffle, performed on the field by all the team’s fired coaches from the past 40 years. Nobody under the age of 50 has a clue what they’re doing, although everyone under 20 thinks it’s a new Tik Tok challenge. 

August 27            HHS Secretary RFK,J! announces a new list of recommended childhood vaccinations that includes only herbal remedies. Donald J. Trump announces his new line of Trump Iron Lungs and Trump Wheelchairs.

                                                                          SEPTEMBER

September 2      The nation observes Labor Day (a month too early), recognizing the journey and accomplishments of the American Labor Movement. Although workers’ struggles offer many lessons for young people, schools will be closed and nobody will learn anything about them today.

September 14    In a stunning development, a man in Oklahoma confirms that he actually changed his mind about a topic after reading other people's opinions on social media. Although the topic was his preference for creamy peanut butter versus chunky, the world is agog.

September 25    The War on Christmas begins anew as millions of Americans start decorating their homes for Halloween, celebrating the Satanic forces that will be defeated in battle at Megiddo. Spotting a fast-fashion opportunity, Temu orders 50 million Christmas-themed costumes that will be delivered by October 10 and disintegrate by November 2.

September 30    Congress returns from its ninth recess of the year, emboldened by the sudden realization that Donald J. Trump is a lame-duck president. In a blistering rebuke of the aging commander in chief, only 200 representatives wear blue suits with red ties to their daily pledge of allegiance.
 
                                                                        OCTOBER

October 12         Some guy from Kenya wins the Chicago Marathon.

October 16    National Bosses Day flops as pretty much every employee in the country is either working from home or out of a job for insisting on working from home.  

October 19         The Department of Health and Human Services imposes 50% excise taxes on all processed foods and revokes FDA clearance of all prescription medicines introduced since 2002. Elon Musk lauds the improvement in government efficiency that will result as more than 5,000 regulators and food inspectors are canned.

October 19         Later that same day, Trump Media replaces Nvidia as the most valuable company in the world, despite the fact that the president’s enterprise has reported only $314 in revenue so far this year. Trump’s equity in the company reaches a record $2 trillion, thanks to aggressive buying by major food and pharmaceutical companies.

October 20         RFK,J! is fired as secretary of Health and Human Services and the department is dissolved. Elon Musk hails the closing as a victory for the Department of Government Efficiency.

                                                                              NOVEMBER

November 2            Some guy from Kenya wins the New York City Marathon.

November 11     The nation observes Veterans Day, recognizing the bravery and sacrifice of millions who handed the government a blank check and honored their sacred commitment to freedom. Although their sacrifices offer many lessons for young people, schools will be closed and nobody will learn anything about them today.

November 23     The War on Christmas reaches a fever pitch as two retailers mention “holidays” in their newspaper inserts. Calm is restored after boycotters remember that only 25 people actually subscribe to newspapers.

November 27     Families gather for Thanksgiving after a tumultuous year of continuing partisanship and anger. The National Safety Council offers advice for properly cooking a turkey and recommends avoiding sharp objects at the dinner table.

November 28     Black Friday sales plunge as shoppers are hit with 30% tariffs and all goods made in China, essentially all the stuff on Amazon, Temu, Walmart.com…you get the idea. Two woodworkers in Colorado and a maple syrup brewer in Vermont become immediate billionaires as shoppers scramble to find made-in-America offerings.

                                                               DECEMBER

December 2        Grocery stores are stocked with milk cartons bearing a photo of J.D. Vance, an Ohio man who was elected vice president in 2024 and has not been seen since Inauguration Day. Elon Musk calls for removing Vance from his role as a step toward greater government efficiency.

December 8        Time Magazine names Elon Musk its Person of the Year, an honor that has nothing to do with his recent purchase of the magazine. In absolutely unrelated news, Donald J. Trump disbands the Department of Government Efficiency. 

December 14     Dad Writes employs artificial intelligence to create its 2026 Year in Review, which now includes can’t-fail stock predictions, Draft Kings betting strategies, and China’s nuclear codes.

December 25      Millions celebrate Christmas by getting together with family to open presents, share in the bounty of America, and complain about the War On Christmas. The National Safety Council recommends removing sharp objects from the dinner table.

December 31     Americans close out the year with the hope that things cannot possibly get any worse in 2026. Unfortunately…

                                               
Warning: This preview is intended solely for subscribers to Dad Writes. Persons who share this information with non-subscribers or other unauthorized individuals are subject to lawsuit, fine, and extreme embarrassment.

 
 
The world is melting and I’m aging at a constant rate. There’s a new scientific theory here, if only I could figure out what it means…
 

• For me? One of the great things about getting older is that, suddenly, every birthday party is a surprise party.
• So good, so good. I took a cruise a few weeks ago, and it was an adults-only voyage, which sounds a lot more risqué than it turned out to be. One highlight was all the cheesy stage shows with singers who would be equally at home if we were all in a retirement village. Whatever song they chose, I knew all the lyrics from the days when I was young enough to understand the words.
• You make what? I really owe Sleep Number Beds an apology. At first, I mocked their corporate identity as pathetically bland and totally lacking in imagination. But now that every company is coming up with comic-book names like Boomface and Shasaflix, their branding looks much smarter. Unlike Boomface and Shasaflix, nobody has to wonder what they sell over at the Sleep Number Bed store. 
• Butt exposure. Forget The Rock, Seal Team Six, and all those keyboard warriors who threaten the rest of us from mom’s basement. The toughest guys in today’s world are cigarette smokers, end of story. I’m out on the street in fifty layers of flannel and there they are, maybe in a light jacket or a long-sleeved shirt, braving the cold outside the restaurant or bar or office, taking a puff and enjoying the brisk air. No coat, no gloves, no hat, just them against the elements, and they keep going until the last puff. These are America’s true heroes, underappreciated by the ignorant and respected to the extreme by the bravest among the brave.
• Turn left!! As winter settles in, I hate my grandparents more and more. There they were in Poland, where it gets really cold, and they had the choice of where to put down stakes in the States. Did they opt for warmer weather and move to Florida, or Arizona, or one of our many Carolinas? Nope, they decided to plop down in Chicago, where the weather was just like Sokolow Podlaski and the heating bills were even higher. What were they thinking???
• Befriend me. I absolutely need more Facebook friends. I was an early adopter and sent out the usual friend requests to everyone I knew 15 years ago, but then the suggested contacts were more and more distant and it started to feel creepy to reach out to some woman I last saw in third grade. Fast forward, though, and my entire feed consists of clickbait for online gaming sites, cheesecake pictures of long-dead femmes fatales, and ads for walk-in tubs. Maybe I need to click on every friend Facebook suggests, whether I have any idea who they are or not. What could possibly go wrong?
• No, you didn’t. Everyone says hindsight is 20/20, but everyone is an idiot. Does anyone actually know what happened with the 2024 elections, with Covid, with Mrs. Carter’s snub at the CMAs? In the immortal words of Rudy Giuliani, we’ve got lots of theories, but we just don’t have the evidence. We’re supposed to use our perfect hindsight to avoid the mistakes of the past, but we can’t even agree on what happened. Another aphorism bites the dust.
• Eternal entropy. Every day, I read that the world is falling apart, but we never quite get there, as if we’re in some form of catastrophic stasis. We’re collapsing at some stable rate that is always lethal and never quite bad enough for us to give up on Wordle. It reminds me of the guy who falls out of a window and, as he passes the fifth floor, concludes, “so far, so good.”

Stay tuned, and click here to subscribe, because next week is our 2025 Year in Review, and you won’t want to miss all the crap you’ll wish you’d missed when next December rolls around.

Finally, a batch of 100% true and absolutely guaranteed insights into Tuesday’s election, brought to you by the impeccable and flawless researchers who make Dad Writes the world’s even finer finest news source. Ignore everyone and everything you hear about the campaigns and the voters. Here are the true facts:

• At least a dozen self-appointed heroes in full body armor will show up at the polls to protect the integrity of the election where it’s most in danger: in blue cities in swing states and, most likely, in a black precinct. (Fits the description, ya know.)
  
• Exit polls will be cited all day as flawless indicators, but most of them will turn out to be wrong because voters have learned to lie to reporters. Surprisingly, Donald Duck will have a much lower vote tally than the exit polls will suggest.
  
• Nobody will care about the vote in Idaho or Illinois or Alabama or any other state that’s essentially guaranteed to be Red or Blue, but all 12,962,000 residents of Pennsylvania will be interviewed at least once by at least three networks.
  
• Voter turnout will be embarrassingly low. Yeah, it’s the most important election ever, but I’ve got an Amazon delivery I’m waiting for and the polling place is a whole mile away.
  
• Turnout among younger people will more than double, soaring to 3% of registered voters and influencing zero races. Gen Z representatives will express surprise that their votes on TikTok were not included in the tallies.
  
• At least one cable network will announce the winner before half the polls are closed. They will be wrong.
  
• Early tallies will favor Republicans more than the final counts, because more Democrats tend to vote absentee or by mail than Republicans and those votes usually get counted last.
  
• We won’t know the winner on November 5. It takes a few days to count all the votes, including the ballots mailed in from our troops overseas and the folks in the nursing homes. Propagandists will claim these “delays” prove that massive fraud is afoot, leading at least a dozen self-appointed heroes in full body armor to show up at the counting centers to protect the integrity of the election in black precincts in blue cities in swing states.
  
• Donald Trump will declare himself the winner before the votes are counted.
• Social media will include 4 billion videos of polling places from 2020, or 2016, or from Azerbaijan, proving that fraud is massive and rampant and that hundreds of millions of votes have been switched. Zero will have basis in fact, but violence will ensue.
• Republicans will declare the vote rigged in any swing state where they lose.
  
• Throughout the night, news anchors will talk about the results as if something is going to happen, even though the election is already over and we simply haven’t finished counting the votes.
  
• CNN will offer up new maps and new granularity about individual precincts, because they have to kill a helluva lot of time while waiting for the votes to actually be counted.
  
• By 11 p.m., news networks will be marveling at how much the pollsters missed and how different some of the results are from the latest surveys.
• By 11:30 p.m., pundits who made the wrong prediction will explain all the mistakes the candidates made in screwing up their perfectly assembled models for victory.
  
• By 11:31 p.m., all of us will get emails asking for money to fund the recounts and lawsuits that are about to be filed.
  
• By 11:32 p.m., half the nation will believe they don’t have a country anymore.
  
• On November 6, the sun will rise in Chicago at precisely 6:30 a.m.
  
• At 8:30 a.m. Chicago time, the stock market will open higher, unless it goes down.
  
• By 9:00 a.m., the 2028 election campaigns will begin…but only if you send them $3.00.