I’m really beginning to dislike Betty, well on my way to hating her. To be fair, though, I might just be jealous.

I never knew Betty existed until a couple of weeks ago, but then I started getting emails addressed to her on AOL. (Yes, I admit to still having an AOL account and I am lame, but let’s move on from that embarrassment to the real crime.) It looks like someone mixed up her email address and mine and they sent me some incredible offers that are much better than the ones that I’ve been getting.

Yes, my email feed is chockablock with all kinds of special deals, from time-shares in North Korea to 5% off on furnace filters when I buy 12 cases. I get offers of incredible savings on everything I bought just two days earlier and invitations to learn the secrets of real estate investing from a guy who’s living out of a dumpster. And, if I send in just $5,000 to prove my creditworthiness, I’ll gain access to the personal bank account of Prince Akeem of Zamunda.

As wonderful as all those deals are, Betty’s are even better, or maybe she is simply more worthy. One company is offering her $50,000 to fund her business, even if she has bad credit, and another is so confident in her that they’re ready to hand her $5,000 for whatever she wants. Clearly, everyone knows Betty is going places and they want to get in on the ground floor.

She’s also a genius, it appears, because pretty much every college I’ve never heard of wants her on their campus, or their screen for the remote-learning joints. They’re tossing all kinds of scholarships and financial aid at her, because they are deeply concerned about her needs and her goals, and the colleges in Florida won’t make her study anything that makes her uncomfortable.

Okay, they didn’t say that explicitly, but I can read between the lines. Betty is a hot prospect and the deans will bend over backwards to make sure she only learns about the things she wants to know and only with the slants she wants to slant. Betty has Her Truth, an unshakeable belief in the rightness of her beliefs, and there ain’t nobody gonna mess with that. She’s guaranteed to get straight As, because she already has all the answers. All she needs is a diploma.

I’m really tempted to take advantage of these incredible opportunities, especially the free money with no strings attached. A casino opened down the street a few months ago and I just learned a foolproof way to beat the house at blackjack. Maybe I can present my system as an alternative investment vehicle that's even safer than cryptocurrency exchanges, which would qualify me for the full $50,000. I could be on Easy Street within a few hours.

So far, though, I haven’t been able to figure out Betty’s last name or what grade school she attended or her mom’s maiden name or the last four of her Social. Without that critical information, I’m stuck on the outside, looking in longingly as savvy businesses and colleges shower her with their largesse.

Life is so very unfair, unless you’re Betty. I really hope she appreciates how lucky she is.

If you know Betty, please have her contact me to teach me the secrets of her success. Also, tell her to click here to subscribe.
 
 

You know what the problem is with advice columns?

The first two issues are obvious, of course: People write in about some urgent issue and the advice arrives months later when it's too late to do any good. Worse, it's pretty clear the the people asking the questions are too dense to benefit from the advice.

Dear Aunt Esmerelda: My neighbor is upset that my dog is leaving gifts in his flower bed when he should really be grateful for the fertilizer. How do I get him to be happier when Poopsie visits?

Dear Aunt Esmerelda: My son is a Navy Seal who is often away on secret missions. How can I get the Navy to schedule him to be home for my birthday?

Dear Aunt Esmerelda: My niece has a peanut allergy, so I put some peanut butter in her turkey sandwich to help her develop some tolerance. Now she’s in a coma and my brother is making a big deal about it.  How do I get him to drop the restraining order?

Yes, the questions are entertaining, but the answers are the archetypes for missed opportunities. Instead of starting the replies with, “Dearest Idiot,” the advice columnists almost always express sympathy and try to comfort the people who are too far gone to be reached on this planet.

“Perhaps your neighbor doesn’t appreciate the close relationship you have with your dog.

I agree that the Navy and America’s enemies should both be more considerate when it comes to family.

Give your brother time to recognize your good intentions, and maybe for his daughter to come out of her coma…”

And there we have it, the biggest flaw in advice columns: too much respect. Contrary to the popular myth spread by consultants everywhere, there are stupid questions and there are bad ideas. It would be a truly healthy development if advice columnists called out their correspondents for both transgressions.

Clearly, it’s time for the Dad Writes help desk, where we suffer only wise people and set the fools on the true path to enlightenment. We’re drawing our inspiration from Bob Newhart, who set the standard for all psychology, psychiatry, and consulting today. We’ll build on his groundbreaking technique, but we will never stray far from the words of the master.

Your wedding is in three days and you’re sending me a question now? Too late for that, but here are some ideas for divorce court. You poisoned your niece and you’re not in jail? This would be a good time to move to another country. If you're gonna let your dog roam around without a leash, let your neighbor poop on your lawn to even things out.

See how easy that is? Advice columns would be much more entertaining and educational if we avoid all the “respect” and “courtesy,” especially when those considerations are 100% undeserved. Our new column is going to be so refreshing for readers, and very therapeutic for me. I can’t wait to hear from the first doofus with a question.

Now that Dad Writes is new and improved with free advice, you’ll definitely want to click here to subscribe for our amazing wisdom.

For the love of God, is there no end to this elder abuse? Every day, I’m victimized again by some media outlet that decides they have nothing better to do than to shame me.

I wake up every morning (so far) with a sore arm or back or leg or toenail and there’s nothing to do but ease into the day with the latest news and my social media feeds. By the time I’m done with my third cup of coffee, the aching has receded and my vision is finally clearing up, but there’s a new pain that will envelop me for the rest of the day.

That’s because my morning read invariably includes a story about some young snot who’s achieved more at 17 than I’ll ever achieve in my life. And I’m not even talking about Greta and Malala here. There’s also the kid who invented a portable dialysis machine for his middle-school science fair and the pre-teen who turned her lemonade stand into a multinational restaurant chain.

Even worse, my feed is overrun with really old people, people much older than I am, who are doing things I can’t do already. In the latest installment of “People Who Are Both Older And Better Than You,” some 104-year-old woman set a new record as the oldest person to parachute out of an airplane. Even worse, she's a Chicagoan like me. Well, clearly not like me, and vice versa.

The abusers in the media say these are “feel-good stories” that encourage the rest of us to think of age as just a number, but they’re really gaslighting us with tales  that make us feel less accomplished, less capable, and much more ready to die now. Because nothing gives me hope for my future like another person’s achievements and the certain knowledge that those achievements will never be mine.

You wanna know what gives me the will to live? I love reading about the Chicago Cubs blowing their playoff slot in September and the Chicago Bears losing so many games in a row that they’ve set up a suicide hotline for their players and coaches.  I want to learn about some dope who won the lottery and invested all her winnings into cryptocurrency or the fools who got convicted of sedition on the basis of their own selfies.

I draw the line at the Darwin Awards, because stupidity shouldn’t be a capital offense, but I’m almost invariably inspired by the wrong turns and dumb choices that other people make. Those are my feel-good stories, the sagas that let me know I’m not the feeblest failure of the day. I might be a loser, but at least I’m not a Chicago Bear.

And I’m not alone in this, either. My social media feed is filled with posts that mock the Bears and the Cubs, but nobody is celebrating the 104-year-old woman who thought it was a good idea to jump out of a perfectly functional airplane. My friends only share uplifting stories, and that is definitely not one of them.

It’s time to stop the gaslighting of all us seniors, to demand an end to the abusive shaming, and it's absolutely the perfect moment to donate large amounts to my crowdfunding account. I promise not to invest the proceeds in crypto or to take skydiving lessons.

Will I become a paratrooper when I’m 104? The only way to know is to click here to subscribe and keep reading for the next 34 years. It will be so worth it.
 
 
 
 

We haven't had a ton of traction since 2019, but that's only because of that whole "Covid" thing. It's time to get back to work and make Labor Day THE biggest issue of the 2024 Election Cycle. Forget global warming, inflation, abortion, and all those woke Chinese pandas at the National Zoo. This is the issue of our age, and it's not aging well.

Revived from September 1, 2019...

All of us at Dad Writes are about to begin a national movement. It’s a movement that will gladden the hearts of all Americans and heal the wounds of our universe. 
 
This is the one common goal left to humanity in the internet age. We are divided irrevocably on pretty much everything, but we finally have a cause to unite us and restore our faith in each other. We must rise up in an unrelenting and ultimately victorious campaign to move Labor Day to October.
 
As it stands, Labor Day is a depressing holiday, a last three-day weekend to mark the end of summer. Everyone slumps in their lawn chairs and talks about getting back to work while they complain that the fireworks were better on Independence Day. When it’s time for all the guests to leave, nobody talks about their plans for the week ahead, because everyone is planning to be in the office on Tuesday morning.
 
Alas, what began as a celebration of the labor union movement has deteriorated into a celebration of Mondays. Yep, we get this one off, but then we’re working every Monday until MLK Day 21 weeks from now. But Labor Day can be much happier, and more apt, if we make the logical choice to move it back a month. The reasons are compelling and, dare we say, irrefutable.
 
First, the equinox won’t come until September 23, this year, fully three weeks after we bury the season with a holiday marking the “official end of summer.” Insanity!!! Summer is a gift to treasure, not a curse to be canceled. Much like our participation trophies, regrets, grudges, and sixteen, we should hold onto summer as long we can.
 
Second, the weather is going to stay summery well into October in most of the country, because that’s how weather works.  Temperatures will still be warm, humidity levels will drop from their August peaks, and mosquito swarms will finally subside. We won’t notice it, though, because we all went back to work four weeks too early. What are we, nuts??
 
The sad reality is that September barbecues are never as relaxing or enjoyable as the same gatherings before Labor Day. Something is missing, and the missing ingredient is summer. We bury our best season prematurely at the start of September and then we just go through the motions. So sad.
 
But when we move Labor Day to October, we can finally return the holiday to its rightful role as a celebration of working stiffs, the people who build the buildings and plant the plants and assemble the assemblies. We can transform Labor Day into an upbeat extension of summer, rather than its forced execution. “Yeah, the days are shorter now that it’s officially fall, but we have about two weeks left until Labor Day,” we’d say, and we would be happier as a result.
 
When should the new Labor Day occur? We humbly propose the first Friday in October, which is the perfect date for a national holiday. Slotting Labor Day on a Friday will preserve the tradition of three-day weekends while dulling the sting of returning to work a few days later. At long last, people will have a real justification for all those TGIF memes.
 
Admit it. This is such a great idea that you’re already wondering two things:

1. Why didn’t I think of it?
2. How do I take credit for thinking of it?

 
We understand how you feel. The brainstorming team at Dad Writes is very proud of itself for this earthshaking idea and we are fine with sharing the credit with all the fans who inspire us to be creative geniuses. Or genii. Or whatever.
 
Enjoy your holiday and take heart. By this time next year, we will have achieved our goal and we will all be looking forward to another month of summer weekends.
 
Be the first to know when the team at Dadwrites creates a new creation by subscribing to our weekly bursts of wisdom, humor and idiocy. Just click here and you’re on your way.

Once again, the super-science whiz kids at Dad Writes have discovered the hottest new innovation in tech, an advancement that will make AI look even more artificial and much less intelligent. We’ve only encountered this financial tool infrequently, so far, but we know it’s use is going to explode, so you’ll want to get in on the ground floor.

Simplifying the concept for everyone who can’t understand how crypto and NFTs work (Hint: They don’t.), lets’ just describe this new invention as a government-backed gift card that never expires, has no processing fees, and can be used in any store. Well, almost any store, but we’ll get to that part later.

Anyway, it’s called Consumer Accessible Secure Holdings, or CASH, and I cannot believe nobody thought of this sooner. Basically, it’s a nano-thin gift card that takes up much less space than a stiff plastic card, and you can fold it if you’re into origami. You can fit it into a wallet, under your mattress, or even into your penny loafers if you want to flaunt your wealth.

Better yet, you can access these CASH cards without having to download an app, and you always know the balance, because it’s visible on the card at all times. If you only want to redeem part of the value of the card, no worries. You can get other cards and tokens that have their value visible on them, as well.

No more embarrassment when you go to a store with the wrong gift card, or your plastic mystery card isn’t worth enough to buy what you want. With the CASH-based card, you don’t need Samuel L. Jackson to tell you what’s in your wallet.   

And it gets even better for both buyers and sellers. With CASH, there’s no interest on your credit card bills at the end of the month because, voila, no credit card bill. And the store owner benefits, too, because there are no processing fees when people pay with CASH.

Still, as with every new technology, there are a few bugs to be worked out. Some retailers haven’t updated their systems to accept CASH, relying on the old-fashioned system of tapping credit cards and demanding 30% tips for handing us a Twinkie. Converting to CASH will make their lives so much easier, but they need to get with the times first and many are still resistant.

CASH is also in short supply, apparently, because banks will require that consumers fill out all kinds of forms if they want to obtain more than $10,000 in CASH in any single transaction. It’s a bit of a headache, but obtaining multiple supplies at $9,999 should absolutely solve that problem.

Finally, it can be a challenge to record all the transactions when businesses use CASH. With credit cards, computers keep the tally, but businesses that deal in CASH might forget to include some of their sales when they report results to the Internal Revenue Service. From what I’ve heard, though, business owners who deal only in CASH say that has not been a problem and they have reported all their transactions without fail.

Once you start using CASH, you'll be a fan for life. I can't imagine any technology supplanting this incredible system any time soon, or ever.
 
What hot new tech will we discover next? Click here to subscribe and you'll be the king of the nerds.

The best dinner, stud fees, and the times I bring joy to the repairmen in my life, all from a deep dive into the shallowest of minds…

1. I really feel sorry for the straw that broke the camel’s back. Why does the last straw take all the blame and every other straw gets a free pass?
   
   
2. Whenever you open a new account anywhere, you can be assured you’ll receive two emails. The first will say, “Your information is 100% safe.” The second will say, “Oops.”
   
   
3. Speaking of which, isn’t it amazing how many incompetent hackers break into bank servers and get nothing of value? Every time there’s a data breach, you get a letter that says, “Yes, they got past our defenses, yes, they spent hours unchallenged as they rifled through our files, and yes, nobody has been arrested yet. Don’t worry, though, because they didn’t do any real damage.” Seriously, all these letters read like Fox News describing January 6.
   
   
4. I had a great dinner the other night. The waiter didn’t tell me his name, he didn’t tell me where the asparagus was sourced, he never referred to the cook as Chef, and he didn’t ask if he could “tempt you with dessert.” Best of all, I still have no idea whether my entrée was an excellent choice or his personal favorite.
   
   
5. I know a guy who sells beer at $18/bottle and I met a woman whose champion horse gets a stud fee of $50,000 for its, um, services. Clearly, there are worlds I have never known and I cannot afford to live in any of them.
   
   
6. It’s so encouraging when the repairman shows up, takes a look at the problem, and all he says is, “Wow.” I’m always happy when I can make someone else’s day more enjoyable.
   
   
7. If you had the choice between one and another, but not both, would you rather be right and mostly ignored or wrong and highly influential? Would you rather have three close friends or 300 amiable acquaintances? Would you rather be self-aware or oblivious? Some management guru is going to make a billion bucks with an assessment based on these questions, so I am preparing the record for when I sue her for plagiarism. Because I’d rather be lazy and whine than do the work without complaining.
   
   
8. On a similar note, would you rather find a solution to the problem or find someone to blame? No need to answer that one, since this is America.
   

 
Not only is this America, but it’s also the internet, where you can get a free subscription to Dad Writes simply by clicking right here.