We’ve got some unfinished business here in America, and it’s way past time we made good on our promise to thousands of women who suffered the ultimate harm while their cities were locked up over the past two years.

As always, it’s women who bear the burden when the world falls apart and nobody has suffered more over the past two years than brides. When wedding halls closed and relatives quarantined, nearly 247 million women in America were forced to get married via Zoom and forgo the absolutely perfect, no flaws-at-all parties they began planning in utero.

Now that the hotels are all open again, it’s this year’s brides who are getting all the choice dates and the women who missed their windows in 2020-21 are shipwrecked in the seas of despair.

Until now.

Today, the Clef d’Or team at Dad Writes announces the Wedding Do-Over, an incredibly high-tech and lifelike simulation that brings all the joy of that perfect wedding to the brides who were the real victims of Covid. Using the latest in CGI technology—the same incredible science that made it look like Will Smith actually slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars—we will finally deliver the perfect day for the most deserving of women.

We won’t actually put together a party, of course, since we don’t know anything about having a good time, but we will create a video that recreates the celebration that might have been. And, it will be so realistic that everyone who watches it will say they remember being there. Our video absolutely will include:

• The bride and groom walking solemnly down the aisle, only to break dance with a flash mob halfway toward the altar.
  
• The groomsman whose vest is undone and whose shirt is hanging out of his pants before anyone can say, “I do.”
• Women of a certain age (80+) who insist on shaking it down with the 10-year-old ring bearer.
• The bride’s father, announcing he got all his ideas for his toast from The Google.
• The bridesmaid’s plus-one who stages his own dance show, busting moves and furniture as he shows everyone how it’s done.
• The band leader guiding his troupe through YMCA, Macarena, Achy Breaky Heart and a dozen other songs that were popular before the bride and groom were born.
• The flower girl standing on the shoes of some random old guy as they dance to whatever syrupy old song you want.
  
• The husband and wife—though not each other’s—caught making out in the coat room.
  

But wait, there’s more. Also included are the Cake Smearing Ceremony, the Sweaty Garter Toss, Bouquet Battleground and those uncomfortable dances among the in-laws. We make it look like the real thing, without all the anxiety and stress and absolutely no food poisoning.

But wait yet again, because there's even more more! Order in the next 15 minutes and we will add a free video of the bachelorette party that should have been, including the Drunken Trolley Ride, Condom Balloons, Sobbing BFFs, and, of course, the inevitable Ponytail Holding Ceremony.

Yes, it all sounds too good to be true, but don’t let that stop you from sending us photos of the wedding party and only $48,000,000 (plus postage and handling) to recapture the moment that never was. We’ll be glad you did.

We’ll also be glad if you click here to subscribe for our next unbelievable offers, or whatever other lunacy we come up with each week.
 
 

This week’s post is only for the incredibly smart and wealthy people who will be receiving at least $14 million from the IRS after following all our tax filing advice last week. The rest of you are just too poor for our incredibly brilliant, can’t-lose, 137%-guaranteed investment wisdom, so scram.

Okay, all you 1%-ers, are we alone now? Great, because we are about to share some of the most incredible, unbelievable tips for putting your tax refund to work so that you never have to work again. All you need to do now is deploy capital* as follows:

Cryptocurrency: First, let’s get this straight. Crypto is absolutely not a Ponzi scheme where the first guys to invest announce that the value is going up so they can get others to invest and then bail out at the top. It’s much, much better. “Miners” run up electric bills of $10,000 to create $4,200 worth of crypto, which seems like a losing proposition, but then they announce that their crypto is now worth $50,000 and nobody can prove them wrong. Unlike stocks, where the price is based on “trading” in a “public” “market,” every crypto brand is worth whatever the brand’s CEO says it’s worth, so there is no limit to how high this can go. Clearly, you want to put all your money into cryptocurrencies.

NFTs: Like cryptocurrencies, NFTs are a high-tech investment that nobody really understands, but that makes it the coolest and hippest way to get filthy rich. Basically, you take an everyday item, like a floor lamp, and then you take a photo of it and you sell a data file of the photo that makes the buyer the owner of…wait for it…the data file of the photo. With NFTs, you can sell all the contents of your house without actually selling any of the contents of your house. You can sell an NFT of your oven, but you get to keep the actual oven. Sell an NFT of your television, refrigerator, underwear, pretty much anything, and the rules are the same. Me? I’m offering up NFTs of the hand turkeys my kids made for Thanksgiving in 1986 and 1987 and a slow weekend in 2014. This is the best investment opportunity since Enron invented those “special purpose entities” and we all got to retire from the proceeds.

SPACs: Unfortunately, Enron isn’t selling shares in special purpose entities anymore, but Special Purpose Acquisition Companies are the next best thing. Basically, a SPAC is a pool of money that will/might/could be used one day to buy/build/caress something that’s valuable and make it more valuable. It’s a lot like buying stock in a company, but it has these added advantages: 1. You have no idea what the operators will buy. 2. You have no idea whether anything will work out. 3. There’s pretty much no limit on how much the operators can pay themselves for “managing” your money. Even better, it doesn’t matter which SPAC you choose. All of them are absolutely certain to accept your cash.

Meme Stocks: Yet another high-tech opportunity to make a killing in the stock market, meme stocks are almost always failing companies that desperately need a friend to pump up their value. Like all those flash mobs that blocked traffic with their “spontaneous” dancing in shopping malls, meme investors suddenly place a flood of orders on Robin Hood for the worst performing shares in the universe, sending those stocks soaring into the stratosphere. Meme stocks are the perfect investment for anyone who doesn’t really understand investments, but wants to get rich without any effort or insight.  Timing is key here, however. Meme stocks are the Wile E. Coyote of investing; able to levitate in mid-air, but only until somebody looks down. Not a problem for you, though. You’ve always had perfect timing in your life, so you will know exactly when it’s time to bail.

Clearly, these investment tips are reserved for the world’s smartest, savviest and, dare we say it, best looking people, and we guarantee that it is hypothetically possible in some parallel universe that we can guarantee your future fortune. Best of all, it's absolutely a sure thing that people who follow our investment advice will never have to pay any capital gains taxes.

So, as soon as you get your $14 million tax refund be sure to send it to Dad Writes so we can invest it on your behalf in these can’t-fail opportunities.

What could possibly go wrong?

*We’re not quite sure what “deploy capital” actually means, but we heard it on Fox Business News and everyone on the show nodded, so it must be smart. It’s also really, really smart to click here to subscribe to Dad Writes.

Tick, tick, tick, you can feel the pressure build as April 15 approaches and it’s time to pay the viper over at the Internal Revenue Service. After two years of stimulus checks, special tax credits and delayed filings, this tax season is especially painful for Americans.
 
Or, it was painful until the accounting geniuses at Dad Writes got to work. Thanks to our cracked team of financial magicians, millions of working stiffs can maximize deductions, minimize income and make out like bandits—"legally.”
 
We’ve examined every word of uild Back Better, Restore America, Help Apple Survive, Wall Street Orphans Support, and all the other one-time, emergency, never-to-be-repeated (wink wink) tax packages that Congress came up with over the past three years and we can absolutely “guarantee” that all of these special deals are 182.9% “foolproof.”
 
Sharpen your pencils and don your green eyeshades as you calculate your tax savings, now that you can…

1. Donate to the Congressional Budget Office Go Fund Me campaign, which offers a tax credit equal to 400 times your donation. As an added bonus, any taxpayer who donates $1 million or more gets to own one member of Congress. Move quickly on this one, though, because there aren’t many Reps who aren’t already owned by somebody else.
   
   
2. If you coached your six-year-old for a week until they could make an impassioned speech about masking to the county school board, you qualify for the special theatrical tax credit issued by the National Endowment for the Arts. A double credit is issued if you were able to work words like “contraindication,” “superfluous,” and “poopyface” into their presentations.
   
   
3. Now that the boss is insisting that people return to work, we can all write off our home offices as a casualty loss--and not just the dining room table where we held all our Zoom calls. Now, we can write off our front halls (guest reception), kitchens (break room), dens (conference room) and bathrooms (bathrooms) as well. Don’t be shy about this. Just go ahead and claim the entire value of your home. And that means the current inflated value, not what you paid. (If you're a renter, give it a shot anyway. What do you have to lose?)
   
   
4. The cost of any unused masks, air filters, wipes, hand sanitizers and protest signs may be deducted from income, along with that garage full of toilet paper that was supposed to be your retirement nest egg. If you do plan to deduct the cost of the toilet paper, you must pinky swear that you’ll never use any of it, except for  Homecoming weekend or Halloween.
   
   
5. If you invested in infrastructure by filling potholes with debris from your storage facility, you can deduct $1,500 from your taxes for each pothole you filled prior to Christmas. After Christmas, the deduction is available only to those who filled potholes with fruitcake.
   
   
6. If you used your Covid relief check to buy lottery tickets, you can apply the original value of any losing tickets to your tax liability. If you used the money to buy food or pay the rent, though, you’re out of luck.
   
   
7. If your adjusted gross income was more than $150,000,000, feel free to ignore all these tips, since you’ve probably figured out a way to avoid paying taxes altogether.
   
   
8. If you’re running a Fortune 500 Company, see note 7.
   

 
Remember, keep these incredible tax tips to yourselves, as only loyal fans of Dad Writes are eligible to claim these unbelievable benefits. Even better, you won’t need to worry about making any mistakes with your filings this year, since Congress has prohibited the IRS from auditing any taxpayers ever again.
 
Trust us on this. We know these things.
 
*It’s always possible that rules will change over the next few days, so you’ll want to consult your tax advisor, just in case. In the meantime, you’ll definitely want to click here to subscribe so you’ll have something to read while waiting for your sentencing hearing.

Let’s all hope that it would have been much, much worse, plus a few additions to the endangered species list, as we continue psychoanalyzing our favorite patient this week…

1. When something goes wrong, I know a lot of people who think things would have gone better if they had done things differently. Not me, though. I like to think things would have been even worse if I had been dumb enough to zig instead of zag. Nobody has a clue, of course, and there’s no way to change things in hindsight, but I probably feel better about my choices than they do.
   
   
2. There are drivers and passengers, and I am absolutely a driver. I adjust the seat and the mirrors in the car, of course, but I also reorganize the placement of the salt and pepper at the restaurant, move my seat, move the table, and mark any typos on the menu. When we're about to take off, i envision one of those movie situations where the pilots pass out and i must run forward to fly the plane. Make a note for yourself never to fly with me.
   
   
3. One of my great pleasures in life is laughing at myself, a hobby that offers an endless stream of enjoyment. Two major benefits are that I’m always close to the source of my mirth and I’m pretty much invulnerable to criticism from other people, since I got the joke first.
   
   
4. While we’re all connecting via Zoom and FaceTime and other technical workarounds, we’re also missing a good part of the conversation. So much of our communication is tied up in physical signals, hand movements, posture, eye darts…all of which are meaningful when we’re face to face but missed when we’re just talking heads on a screen. It’s not as deficient as texting, but it’s not nearly as complete a form of communication as many presume.
   
   
5. The problem with the endangered species list is that it only includes animals, but we’re more at risk if we lose some of our man-made institutions. Hot dog stands, Chinese restaurants, Greek diners, pay phones, bowling alleys…these are the treasures that deserve our intense preservation efforts.
   
   
6. When people ask me about retirement, I tell them it’s critical to know where you’re going to, not just what you’re leaving. The same thing is probably true for all the people who are making a dramatic statement as they leave their jobs. Most jobs are pretty crummy, which is why people demand payment in order to do them. Why do so many people think they’ll be happier at the next salt mine?
   
   
7. Here's how to make life a lot more pleasant for pretty much all of us. Stop asking for our account numbers that you won't be passing on to the next person we reach. Stop asking for the reason for the call when you can’t address the problem. Stop asking how you can help when you aren't authorized to do anything. Just stop.
   
   
8. For a long time, I thought the line at the drive-through got slower just because I was in it. I thought the price of gasoline was higher just because I needed to fill the tank. I thought it started raining simply because I took out the bicycle. Then I discovered I’m not that important and the world doesn’t revolve around me. I am so glad that the pressure is finally gone.
   
   
   

Of course, inflation is going to spike like crazy if you don’t click here to subscribe to our weekly tirades. If you fail to click and you’re paying more for turnips next month, that one’s on you.