American Brides get a Do-Over
We’ve got some unfinished business here in America, and it’s way past time we made good on our promise to thousands of women who suffered the ultimate harm while their cities were locked up over the past two years.
As always, it’s women who bear the burden when the world falls apart and nobody has suffered more over the past two years than brides. When wedding halls closed and relatives quarantined, nearly 247 million women in America were forced to get married via Zoom and forgo the absolutely perfect, no flaws-at-all parties they began planning in utero.
Now that the hotels are all open again, it’s this year’s brides who are getting all the choice dates and the women who missed their windows in 2020-21 are shipwrecked in the seas of despair.
Today, the Clef d’Or team at Dad Writes announces the Wedding Do-Over, an incredibly high-tech and lifelike simulation that brings all the joy of that perfect wedding to the brides who were the real victims of Covid. Using the latest in CGI technology—the same incredible science that made it look like Will Smith actually slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars—we will finally deliver the perfect day for the most deserving of women.
We won’t actually put together a party, of course, since we don’t know anything about having a good time, but we will create a video that recreates the celebration that might have been. And, it will be so realistic that everyone who watches it will say they remember being there. Our video absolutely will include:
But wait, there’s more. Also included are the Cake Smearing Ceremony, the Sweaty Garter Toss, Bouquet Battleground and those uncomfortable dances among the in-laws. We make it look like the real thing, without all the anxiety and stress and absolutely no food poisoning.
But wait yet again, because there's even more more! Order in the next 15 minutes and we will add a free video of the bachelorette party that should have been, including the Drunken Trolley Ride, Condom Balloons, Sobbing BFFs, and, of course, the inevitable Ponytail Holding Ceremony.
Yes, it all sounds too good to be true, but don’t let that stop you from sending us photos of the wedding party and only $48,000,000 (plus postage and handling) to recapture the moment that never was. We’ll be glad you did.
We’ll also be glad if you click here to subscribe for our next unbelievable offers, or whatever other lunacy we come up with each week.
How to invest like a zillionaire
This week’s post is only for the incredibly smart and wealthy people who will be receiving at least $14 million from the IRS after following all our tax filing advice last week. The rest of you are just too poor for our incredibly brilliant, can’t-lose, 137%-guaranteed investment wisdom, so scram.
Okay, all you 1%-ers, are we alone now? Great, because we are about to share some of the most incredible, unbelievable tips for putting your tax refund to work so that you never have to work again. All you need to do now is deploy capital* as follows:
Cryptocurrency: First, let’s get this straight. Crypto is absolutely not a Ponzi scheme where the first guys to invest announce that the value is going up so they can get others to invest and then bail out at the top. It’s much, much better. “Miners” run up electric bills of $10,000 to create $4,200 worth of crypto, which seems like a losing proposition, but then they announce that their crypto is now worth $50,000 and nobody can prove them wrong. Unlike stocks, where the price is based on “trading” in a “public” “market,” every crypto brand is worth whatever the brand’s CEO says it’s worth, so there is no limit to how high this can go. Clearly, you want to put all your money into cryptocurrencies.
NFTs: Like cryptocurrencies, NFTs are a high-tech investment that nobody really understands, but that makes it the coolest and hippest way to get filthy rich. Basically, you take an everyday item, like a floor lamp, and then you take a photo of it and you sell a data file of the photo that makes the buyer the owner of…wait for it…the data file of the photo. With NFTs, you can sell all the contents of your house without actually selling any of the contents of your house. You can sell an NFT of your oven, but you get to keep the actual oven. Sell an NFT of your television, refrigerator, underwear, pretty much anything, and the rules are the same. Me? I’m offering up NFTs of the hand turkeys my kids made for Thanksgiving in 1986 and 1987 and a slow weekend in 2014. This is the best investment opportunity since Enron invented those “special purpose entities” and we all got to retire from the proceeds.
SPACs: Unfortunately, Enron isn’t selling shares in special purpose entities anymore, but Special Purpose Acquisition Companies are the next best thing. Basically, a SPAC is a pool of money that will/might/could be used one day to buy/build/caress something that’s valuable and make it more valuable. It’s a lot like buying stock in a company, but it has these added advantages: 1. You have no idea what the operators will buy. 2. You have no idea whether anything will work out. 3. There’s pretty much no limit on how much the operators can pay themselves for “managing” your money. Even better, it doesn’t matter which SPAC you choose. All of them are absolutely certain to accept your cash.
Meme Stocks: Yet another high-tech opportunity to make a killing in the stock market, meme stocks are almost always failing companies that desperately need a friend to pump up their value. Like all those flash mobs that blocked traffic with their “spontaneous” dancing in shopping malls, meme investors suddenly place a flood of orders on Robin Hood for the worst performing shares in the universe, sending those stocks soaring into the stratosphere. Meme stocks are the perfect investment for anyone who doesn’t really understand investments, but wants to get rich without any effort or insight. Timing is key here, however. Meme stocks are the Wile E. Coyote of investing; able to levitate in mid-air, but only until somebody looks down. Not a problem for you, though. You’ve always had perfect timing in your life, so you will know exactly when it’s time to bail.
Clearly, these investment tips are reserved for the world’s smartest, savviest and, dare we say it, best looking people, and we guarantee that it is hypothetically possible in some parallel universe that we can guarantee your future fortune. Best of all, it's absolutely a sure thing that people who follow our investment advice will never have to pay any capital gains taxes.
So, as soon as you get your $14 million tax refund be sure to send it to Dad Writes so we can invest it on your behalf in these can’t-fail opportunities.
What could possibly go wrong?
*We’re not quite sure what “deploy capital” actually means, but we heard it on Fox Business News and everyone on the show nodded, so it must be smart. It’s also really, really smart to click here to subscribe to Dad Writes.
Tick, tick, tick, you can feel the pressure build as April 15 approaches and it’s time to pay the viper over at the Internal Revenue Service. After two years of stimulus checks, special tax credits and delayed filings, this tax season is especially painful for Americans.
Or, it was painful until the accounting geniuses at Dad Writes got to work. Thanks to our cracked team of financial magicians, millions of working stiffs can maximize deductions, minimize income and make out like bandits—"legally.”
We’ve examined every word of uild Back Better, Restore America, Help Apple Survive, Wall Street Orphans Support, and all the other one-time, emergency, never-to-be-repeated (wink wink) tax packages that Congress came up with over the past three years and we can absolutely “guarantee” that all of these special deals are 182.9% “foolproof.”
Sharpen your pencils and don your green eyeshades as you calculate your tax savings, now that you can…
Remember, keep these incredible tax tips to yourselves, as only loyal fans of Dad Writes are eligible to claim these unbelievable benefits. Even better, you won’t need to worry about making any mistakes with your filings this year, since Congress has prohibited the IRS from auditing any taxpayers ever again.
Trust us on this. We know these things.
*It’s always possible that rules will change over the next few days, so you’ll want to consult your tax advisor, just in case. In the meantime, you’ll definitely want to click here to subscribe so you’ll have something to read while waiting for your sentencing hearing.
Let’s all hope that it would have been much, much worse, plus a few additions to the endangered species list, as we continue psychoanalyzing our favorite patient this week…
Who writes this stuff?
Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.