My friends have always denied their addiction, but now they're desperate and the defenses are slipping away. I think they're lucky it’s not a deadly habit like opioids, but that's not going to stop the whining.
A few weeks ago, they were on top of the world, with dealers feeding their jones at any hour and any place. They were getting it in bed, at the gym, at work, anyplace they wanted a fix. Then the joyride ended and they're cut off until, well, nobody really knows.
March Madness? Gone. NBA finals? Gone. Baseball? Gone. Masters? Gone. Olympics? Probably gone, as well.
I hoped they'd use this opportunity to break the habit, but I suspect they're too panicked to be smart about it. I can see them now, streaming grainy video from the 1980 Olympics and 60-year-old episodes of Home Run Derby. Next, they'll be scoring a quick hit off Little League World Series reruns, but the high will fade after a few minutes and it's back to whimpering about free agents.
I know I should have some sympathy, but I don’t. For as long as I remember, they've spent more time on the Bears offense than with their kids. Actually, that might be a good thing, since their kids have turned out pretty well while the Bears offense is, well, the Bears offense.
Like millions of other sports addicts, they know the stats for players on the local high school teams, all the pro players in town, and everyone on their fantasy baseball teams. Also fantasy football, along with basketball, badminton and sculling, but nothing after that.
Does Fremont remember the $50 he owes me from last month? Does Albert remember whose turn it is to buy the next round? Does Percival remember his anniversary? C’mon, we all know the answer to those questions. All they crave is sports and they probably won't survive until their next fix.
Meanwhile, I’m hoping this global off-season lasts for a long time. Finally, I can spend a day without news bulletins about some guy’s groin injury.
Beyond my own glee, this is a major opportunity for medical advancement. I’ve always maintained that we could have cured cancer by now if people spent as much time and money on research as they do on sports. Okay, sports addicts, it’s your big chance to be heroes. Don’t blow it.
Will my friends give up on sports and cure cancer? Will they finally pay me the $50 they owe me? Find out by clicking here to subscribe to our weekly updates.
3/15/2020 11:12:10 am
Okay I can do with out baseball. My teams never win in March Madness. But foot ball!?!
3/15/2020 12:09:36 pm
The football season doesn't even begin for another four months and you're whining about it already? Clearly, this calls for an intervention.
3/15/2020 11:24:37 am
I have to agree with you. I would much rather enjoy the hourly news bulletins on the coronavirus instead of some mindless entertainment that helps people escape the stress of work, family problems and financial woes.
3/15/2020 12:15:17 pm
Glad you asked. As you might know, we live alone in an underground cave, surrounded by mushrooms and lichen. Nobody ever visits, so we are hermit-ically sealed.
3/15/2020 12:21:25 pm
Thanks for good ol Readers Digest , humor the best medicine. L' knows the CV problem needs all the fight we can muster.
3/15/2020 03:52:00 pm
I have dissolved my skin in Purell already, so I must be safe, right?
3/15/2020 01:20:44 pm
This is great, with everything shut down people are starting to read your column, this is divine intervention meant to excel your career as a writer. I am honored to be one of the early followers. Remember me mushroom man!
3/15/2020 03:54:58 pm
Not that I want to criticize an infallible deity, but God could have been just a bit more direct on this one. Instead of causing a virus to bring me new readers, why not just inspire people to read the blog without making anyone sick?
3/15/2020 04:40:41 pm
From someone on my corner of Facebook:
12/8/2022 12:13:30 am
Thankks for a great read
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Who writes this stuff?
Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.