Once again, while all the cowards in the media are simply rehashing everything we already know about 2020 in their Year in Review articles, only Dad Writes has the insight, foresight and mystical hindsight to recount the great stories of 2021.
As regular readers know, 103% of our 2020 predictions came to pass precisely as promised, so you can count on us to be 172% accurate today. Yes, it’s true, and to prove it, here are some actual quotes from our 2020 year in review:
January: The Centers for Disease Control will issue a national pandemic alert.
September: Celebrity chefs across the nation close their doors.
November: Americans head to the polls in record numbers to select the next President.
December: Web-based retailers report sharply conflicting data for Cyber Monday.
Yeah, we’re surprised, too, but it gives us the courage to risk our luck on a new set of prognostications. And so, in the grand tradition of Marie Antoinette and Thanksgiving turkeys everywhere, we’re sticking our neck out on behalf of a grateful nation. With thanks to timeanddate.com for research assistance, here are the stories we’ll all be regretting as 2021 comes to a screeching halt…
January 1: With the first dawn of the New Year, the nation experiences a severe shortage of votive candles as 332 million Americans celebrate the end of 2020. Even atheists join the impromptu day of prayer, just to hedge their bets, and Yankee Candle stores finally sell out of their fruitcake-spice double-wicks. By noon, though, everyone realizes nothing has changed and a total of 472 people have been vaccinated fully against Covid. Everyone with any common sense goes back to sleep until Groundhog Day.
January 6: During their peaceful repose, fireworks erupt in Congress as both houses convene to count the Electoral College votes that hint, infer, and suggest that Joe Biden might possibly, conceivably, perchance be the next president. After heated objections and claims of fraudulent voting, both the House and Senate retreat to their offices to consider their lunch orders. During the break, Boris Johnson sneaks into the empty Capitol to add his own name to all the ballots and avoid dealing with Brexit for the next four years.
January 20: After Congress divides its lunch bill 538 ways, they finally select our next president and adjourn, returning to their home states to plan for the next civil war. It’s a very timely discussion as key states celebrate Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Confederate Heroes…the other Founding Fathers…on January 18 and 19. Patriotic fervor reaches a peak just in time for Inauguration Day on January 20, when Donald Trump and Joe Biden hold competing ceremonies for the parts of the country each plans to govern.
January 21: As the inaugural balls grind to a close, campaign season begins anew as 3,289 Republican officeholders and 15 Fox News hosts announce their candidacies for president, as does half of Joe Biden’s cabinet and 6,000 people claiming to be Q Anon.
February 1: Black History month begins, and it is purely a coincidence that it's also the shortest month of the year. The observance is made even shorter as all the people with common sense won’t wake up until Groundhog Day on February 2.
February 5: Operation Warp Speed shifts into high gear as the Food and Drug Administration approves 314 new Covid-19 vaccines, including one derived from fruitcake-spice candles. Actual vaccine deliveries fall short of projections, though, with only 2,300 people vaccinated by the end of the month. As a result, the timeline for herd immunity is postponed until 2038. If nothing else goes wrong.
February 14: Sales of flowers, candy and marital aids will soar as Americans celebrate Valentine’s Day, a holiday named for a guy who reportedly helped Roman soldiers get married and was beheaded for his troubles. There’s a cautionary message in here somewhere, but we are afraid to make any suggestions.
February 26: The festive spirit continues with the arrival of Purim, one of the many Jewish observances based on near-extinction at the hands of oppressors. It’s customary for celebrants to dress up in costumes, partly for fun and mostly to avoid being recognized by the Cossacks. Some people really know how to party.
March 17: As if the wild revelry of Valentine’s Day and Purim wasn’t enough for one year, the nation celebrates its greatest excess of cultural appropriation and, um, unfortunate stereotypes: St. Patrick’s Day. On the 14 college campuses still open, students will just be waking up from their “unofficial” celebrations over the prior weekend.
March 25: Speaking of parties that just won’t stop, people in Maryland will hold a Rager to celebrate Maryland Day, a Maryland State holiday that celebrates Maryland. Millennials take the day off in all 50 states, but nobody notices because they’re all “working” from home.
March 31: Reeling from declining revenues and exorbitant fees charged by delivery services, the nation’s independent restaurants close out the month by launching a new app for at-home diners. Instead of delivering food, the new app will dispatch a person to the diner’s home to clean the dishes. After 427 million downloads, the app goes public at a $100 billion valuation. Restaurant owners across the country shut their doors permanently and recruit gig workers who can handle a sponge.
April 2: Leaders of Operation Warp Speed report that 4,298 Americans have been inoculated against Covid-19 in the first quarter. While the number is far lower than the 50 million projected earlier, officials note the total is a record for any quarter in which Covid-19 vaccines have been available. Projections of herd immunity are moved back to 2057. If nothing else goes wrong.
April 8: Congress returns to Washington with a full schedule that includes investigations of whomever the committee chairs dislike, new tax cuts for the world’s largest corporations, and renaming the four post office buildings still operating. Relief for unemployed workers and those who lost medical insurance due to Covid-19 are both tabled until the fall session, although both houses agree to give businesses 100% immunity from legal responsibility for Covid-19 transmission.
April 12: With new protections against liability and zero requirements for keeping workers safe, the nation’s largest employers insist that all employees return to their corporate offices or face dismissal. Workers launch massive protests, demanding such accommodations as social distancing, parking subsidies and freedom to wear pajamas at work. After reviewing Zoom videos of workers in their pajamas, corporate America drops its demand for in-office attendance.
April 16: The Internal Revenue Service reports a $3 trillion shortfall in tax receipts, due largely to more than $32 trillion in deductions for home office expense and $27 trillion in income offsets for Zoom pajama ensembles. Congress meets remotely in emergency session to reduce taxes for the country’s largest corporations, assuring the nation that “growth” will make up for any further deficits.
April 25: In the nation’s continuing effort to return to normal, the 2021 Academy Awards ceremonies are broadcast live, with an audience. The telecast is completed on schedule for the first time in 27 years, due to the fact that only four films were released in movie theaters in 2020. In another surprise development, Adam Sandler wins 14 Oscars.
May 3: With Congress in recess and the economy continuing to grow slowly, the Federal Reserve Board resets the nation’s interest rates to 0 percent and offers all borrowers access to one of the 3,201 Covid-19 vaccines now approved by the FDA. The plan receives strong initial interest, but must be halted as the leaders of Operation Warp Speed cannot locate the key to the cabinet where the vaccines are stored.
May 9: Mothers’ Day provides the perfect opportunity for a return to normalcy, with restaurants open for outdoor dining and moms fed up with cooking non-stop for the past 15 months. Most dinner plans fall through, though, as only 27 U.S. restaurants remain open after the year-long pandemic and wait times expand to four months.
May 16: Encouraged by the success of this year’s Academy Awards celebration, Broadway revives its Tony Awards gala. Because theaters were dark throughout 2020, organizers decide to recognize excellence among costumed characters in Times Square, peep show hawkers on Seventh Avenue, and music students who play for spare change in subway stations. Viewership soars to record levels.
May 25: The nation’s social recovery accelerates as Americans observe Memorial Day, eating too much, drinking too much, and glancing every so often at the Indianapolis 500. In a shocking development, whistleblowers reveal that the Indy 500 broadcast is just a loop of one lap played 500 times. Die-hard racing purists vow to boycott, but the rest of the nation just grabs another beer.
June 8: Riding the wave of self-soothing across the entertainment industry, the TV academy revives the 2021 Emmy Awards, also known as the Netflix Appreciation Hour. In a shocking development, a legacy network show wins one of the 32,000 Emmys awarded that night, leading to the immediate sacking of Ernst and Young as auditors for the academy.
June 15: Good news washes over the nation as leaders of Operation Warp Speed report that 29,247 Americans have been inoculated against Covid-19 through May and 49,000,000 misplaced doses of the fruitcake-spice vaccine have been located. Accelerated deliveries are assured for the remainder of the year, although projections of herd immunity are moved back to 2092. If nothing else goes wrong.
June 20: Millions of men will celebrate Father’s Day by playing golf until 2:30 p.m., watching the ballgame, and falling asleep on the couch before being awakened for dinner. There’s nothing like family togetherness to gladden a fella’s heart.
June 21: As summer begins and Americans as far north as Alaska emerge from hibernation, economic activity soars and the stock market roars with $100 billion IPOs. Hottest among the offerings is an app that brings someone to your home to ride your Peloton for you now that the thrill has worn off.
July 4: Americans observe Independence Day by overeating, drinking too much, and watching things blow up. Several Southern States cancel their festivities, though, after they discover that the holiday has no connection to the Confederacy.
July 5: As the nation returns to work, the leaders of Operation Warp Speed report a record 122,928 inoculations and more than 5,271 approved vaccines for Covid-19. Perversely, more than half the population refuses to take the shots and another 35% are unable to figure out which vaccines are covered by their insurance plans. As a result, projections of herd immunity are moved back to 2097. If nothing else goes wrong.
July 18: On the lighter side, social media audiences are transfixed by the newest online charity challenge: the 2,500-meter Whiskey Swim. More than two million people will complete the challenge, but none will remember to send any money.
August 3: After more than a year of intense research and fiddling around with some truly idiotic ideas, health officials across the nation agree on a new plan for safe indoor dining. Millions of Americans welcome the news, as do the owners of all 14 restaurants still operating in the United States.
August 10: Movie theaters enjoy a renaissance as the summer blockbuster season presents such high art as Fast and Furious 28, Jumanji 7, Rocky and Grandsons 41, and A Star is Born Again and Again and Again. After reviewing the offerings in detail, the Motion Picture Academy cancels the 2022 Oscars.
August 23: Entertainment news dominates as Apple TV unveils a new reality show that focuses on people watching reality shows. Production will be extremely inexpensive as the company’s user agreement allows Apple to simply activate the webcams on 42 million IPads.
September 6: Americans celebrate Labor Day by overeating, drinking too much, and watching things blow up. Nearly 20 months into the age of Covid, friends and relatives ignore social distancing rules and gather without masks, pretty much the same way they did a year earlier. In response, the CDC predicts an earlier date for herd immunity…for the survivors.
September 20: Apple introduces its newest line of IPhones, including software that makes all prior accessories obsolete. The company prices the new phones at $11, but makes up for lost profit by selling compatible earbuds and chargers for $8,000 each.
September 30: As the quarter comes to a close, the General Accounting Office projects a federal budget deficit of $928 trillion for the 2021 fiscal year. Congress vows to close the deficit by cutting taxes for all publicly traded companies.
October 4: As the third quarter ends and the fourth quarter begins, leaders of Operation Warp Speed report more than 900 million Americans inoculated and a new herd immunity date of 2012. When alerted to the fact that the U.S. population is only 332 million and the herd immunity projection is before the start of the pandemic, the agency reports it was hacked. Nobody is surprised.
October 11: The first three-day weekend of fall arrives, but nobody knows whether to call it Columbus Day or Indigenous People Day or Native Day or Settler Day or Discoverers Day or Agnes. Regardless, everyone takes the day off and stares at their phones.
October 18: In an example of extremely poor planning, pretty much everyone ignores Alaska Day as the state is already dark for 23 hours and 47 minutes and the temperature is 12 below. Government leaders make plans to reschedule the state observance for June 20 next year.
October 31: Trick or Treating resumes its joyful rhythms as American households load up on excess sugar and accept the risk of being pelted by toilet paper. As the line of costumed tykes extends throughout the day, millions of moms and dads think back wistfully to the quarantined Halloween of 2020.
November 2: The first Tuesday of November brings an unprecedented celebration of not-Election Day, with more than 200 million Americans posting online notes of gratitude for the absence of political campaigns in the off year. In New Jersey and Virginia, where elections are actually scheduled, citizens of all perspectives demonstrate an incredible display of bipartisan passion as they march together to burn down their state capitols.
November 25: As the nation continues its journey to the most normal of normalcy, millions of Americans will go over the river and through the woods to celebrate Thanksgiving with their extended families…at least with those who survived after last year’s Thanksgiving feast. With a relative calm on the political front, relatives will be reduced to sniping at each other over tattoos, body piercings, and their choices in partners. People will say it was the best Thanksgiving ever.
November 26-29: Black Friday and Cyber Monday will bring an unprecedented explosion of pent-up consumer spending, boosting annual GDP by at least 42% and leading ultimately to the bankruptcies of more than 18 million families. Congress will credit its tax cuts for large corporations as the source of this economic growth.
December 1: The advent of Advent brings renewed hope among people across the world who conclude that the year just ending will absolutely not be as crappy as 2020. Many cautious individuals decide to simply hide in a bunker for the rest of the year, while others boldly load up their social calendars to see 2021 out with a flourish. Operation Warp Speed leaders post a bold-face meme saying, “Mision Ackomplished,” and close up shop as a whopping 322,000 people are fully vaccinated. Herd immunity is achieved ahead of schedule, but the hard way.
December 10: The office Christmas party returns, bringing co-workers together in a socially lubricated environment for the first time in two years. Hilarity ensues with unconstrained hugging, touching and inappropriate comments from people who have forgotten how to function without a mute button. On the positive side, nobody has to clean up their own dishes.
December 14: In a final surprise of the year, dictionary publishers announce their selections for Word of the Year, including chutney, flagrante delicto, and pantaloons. There’s a funny story behind those words, but we’ll have to wait until next year to see it all unfold.
Until then, Happy New Year 2021, and to all a good night.
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Who writes this stuff?
Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.