We get pretty steamed each December when all the lazy bums in the media crank out year-in-review stories, telling us everything we already know about a year we’re not going to miss. The world would be a much better place if all those lazy bums were more like Dad Writes, where we only report the news that hasn’t happened yet.
And so….drumroll…ruffles…flourishes…foghorns…feast your eyes on 2023 In Review, a special advance look at all the news you’ll be regretting twelve months from now. Enjoy, but only if you can handle the truth.
1: Twitter service is halted as the company begins the year with $226 million in unpaid server fees. Elon Musk declares Amazon Web Services to be an enemy of free speech.
3: As promised, the House of Representatives opens its first session of the new Congress with a reading of the United States Constitution. In order to save time, party leaders opt not to read the clauses their members don’t like.
4: Exhausted and confused after reading the Constitution for the first time, members of Congress recess to return home to their families. A few brave souls will sacrifice family time by joining fact-finding missions to important agricultural areas like Hawaii, Florida and Cancun.
5: Donald Trump slams the House of Representatives for spending too much time reading the Constitution.
22: Inflation declines as the post-pandemic economy adapts to changing consumer demands. Joe Biden takes full credit for the decline, while Republicans insist they made it happen by reading the Constitution. Adam Smith gets out of his grave to slap all of them.
27: The FDA approves another 22 booster shots for Covid’s 429 variants. The formulations are essentially unchanged, but the pharmaceutical companies explain that the new vaccines contain anti-oxidants and no MSG.
2: Groundhog Day arrives, bringing with it the celebration….didn’t we do this joke last year?
7: Defying the directives of both major political parties, Iowa holds the first caucuses of the 2024 presidential election season. Chastised by party leaders for jumping the gun by a full year, local officials counter that it’s a States’ Rights issue. Also, nobody in Iowa had anything else to do today.
15: After changing the name of Monkeypox to Mpox in order to un-shame monkeys, the World Health Organization is inundated with complaints from Audubon Society members who are enraged by the stigma of Chicken Pox, Avian flu and Goose bumps.
23: The Fed notes that inflation seems to be under control, but opts to raise rates anyway, explaining that, “We’ve never done this without starting a recession and we’re damned well not going to forsake our traditions now.”
24: Vladimir Putin marks the one-year anniversary of his Ukraine invasion by announcing that all Ukrainian soldiers are now conscripts in the Russian Army, which means Ukraine is now completely occupied by “his” troops. Shortly before the victory parade in Red Square, 347 generals mysteriously fall out of windows.
4: Responding to Iowa’s gutsy move on early political engagement, New Hampshire holds a surprise presidential primary and Dixville Notch is in the news for the first time in three years. Unfortunately, the primary was such a surprise that only 27 voters showed up at the polls and “none of the above” won in a landslide.
5: Rudy Giuliani files suit in New Hampshire, claiming that the election was rigged in favor of “none of the above” and the real winner of the primary was “other.”
13: Returning after its post-Constitution-reading break, the House of Representatives dives into its investigations of Hunter Biden’s laptop, Anthony Fauci, Antifa and, just for old time’s sake, Benghazi.
17: St. Patrick’s Day arrives and most Americans can’t quite remember who St. Patrick was, although they’re pretty sure he was the Irish guy who invented green beer. Also, wasn’t he the one who was really short and had a pot of gold, or was that King Madras?
20: The sun crosses the Tropic of Cancer at 4:24 in the afternoon and Chicagoans wait about three minutes before they start complaining about how cold it is in the spring. They’ll continue until roughly 10 a.m. on June 21, when they’ll begin whining about how bad the weather is in the summer.
24: Inflation cools again as consumers decide they don’t need any more stuff and the dollar rises 14% against the Euro. The Fed announces a 12% increase in interest rates, though, just in case it’s a fluke.
2: In legal news, the U.S. Supreme Court rules 5-4 that indoor plumbing is unconstitutional, citing the lack of any mention of this convenience in the Federalist Papers. Panic ensues as legal scholars read the opinion and realize that the Founding Fathers never talked about pizza, either.
7: Moderna admits that its newest Covid shot is really unused vials of Monkeypox vaccine—oops, MPox—and it is ineffective against the new Delta Tau Chi variant. The company issues an apology, but notes that it’s better than nothing.
13: Inflation rates decline yet again as Europe deals with a recession and China has a going-out-of-business sale in Hubei Province. The Fed raises interest rates another 5 percentage points, just for fun.
19: Inspired by the Audubon Society’s victories with the World Health Organization, The Laughing Cow cheese company convinces WHO to come up with a new name Mad Cow Disease. WHO rechristens Mad Cow as Micky Dee and shares of McDonald’s Corporation plunge 43 percent.
20: Donald Trump modifies his demand that he be re-installed as U.S. president by agreeing to take control of any one of six “non-shithole” countries. In response, all six of the named countries withdraw their ambassadors to the United States.
29: Elon Musk asks Twitter users if they like free speech and 92% of respondents say they support the concept. In a subsequent post, he asks if users support free speech for other people, leading 99% to reject that idiotic idea.
2: After coming up with new labels for swine flu, cat scratch fever, rhinovirus and moose breath, the World Health Organization announces that it has run out of names for its diseases. To ease the shortage, WHO changes its official language from English to Klingon. Qapla’!!
5: Cinco de Mayo arrives and most Americans can’t quite explain what it is or how it got on the calendar, although many remember that it usually falls around May 4th.
11: The Country Music Awards sets a new precedent as none of the winners mention pickup trucks, dogs, cheating, bars, porch swings or whiskey. Enraged fans demand an immediate recount.
14: Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy finally gets fed up enough to launch an invasion of Russia, taking over that nation in four days. Some say he owes his victory to western weapons systems, but it’s mostly because the entire Russian Army is hiding out in Belarus.
22: Gasoline prices spike as drag queens announce shows in the nation’s most isolated towns and Proud Boys load up the pickup trucks to drive out for a protest. By Memorial Day, regular unleaded hits $27.99 per gallon, leading the Fed to boost interest rates another 12%.
25: Elon Musk asks his 950 million followers to make their voices heard on the weightiest question of the past century: Ginger or Mary Ann?
2: National Donut Day celebrates our love of both Homer Simpson and cops. True patriots order a couple dozen and real men never accept sprinkles.
4: Hurricane season begins a month early in Florida, unleashing hurricanes Aaron through Moses and causing more than $1 trillion in property damage. Gov. DeSantis blames drag queens and Disney for the losses, while Donald Trump insists the storms would never have dared attack Florida if he was still president. Which he is.
11: Elon Musk surveys his followers to find out if they prefer boxers or briefs. Twitter servers crash after 40 million users respond that they prefer neither, and send him photos.
19: Juneteenth arrives and Americans can’t quite recall what it is or how it got on the calendar, although many remember it has something to do with June.
21: Summer finally shows up in the Northern Hemisphere, giving Chicagoans a new season to complain about. Daylight peaks and it’s all downhill from here, though, so maybe the whiners have a point.
30: The Supreme Court closes out its busy year with a ruling that stoning people to death is allowed under the Constitution, but only if the practice becomes widespread. In a one-page opinion, the Court concludes that punishments need to be both cruel AND unusual to be prohibited, but “if everyone’s doing it, no problemo.”
4: Freedom rings as the nation comes together to celebrate Independence Day, although most Americans can’t quite explain what it is or how it got on the calendar. Everyone knows it’s important, though, because it includes fireworks and beer.
11: The Liberal Lexicology Society develops a list of 400 words that are never to be spoken again, because they are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and hard to pronounce without spitting. The group refuses to publish the list, because the words are simply too terrible for print, but they promise they’ll cancel any folks who use one of the words. (Dang! We just found out that “folks” is on the list.)
22: The brightest minds in finance invest $300 million in SXYZP, a virtual start-up that plans to deliver air to customers’ homes as soon as 2042. Although critics question the long lead time before revenues are projected, the experts explain that the company’s founder is a 28-year-old Ivy League dropout who wears sandals and shorts all winter long and eats only Cheetos and gerbils. Convinced that this kind of leader cannot fail, the experts value the company at $200 billion and schedule an IPO.
24: In medical news, Johnson and Johnson admits its newest Covid vaccine is actually made from a combination of Luden’s cough drops and chicken broth. Although its efficacy is more limited than was the case for prior vaccines, no side effects are reported.
28: Elon Musk announces a startling first for Twitter, reporting that two subscribers engaged in an intelligent conversation and ultimately found common ground for agreement. The users were banned immediately for violating Twitter’s code of misconduct, but won reinstatement when it turned out they were both Russian bots.
1: Americans observe Why Aren’t There Any Holidays in August? Day by not having a holiday. The observance will continue throughout the month.
8: SXYZP goes public through a SPAC merger and its value rises immediately to $27 trillion after it’s revealed that the founder has a cool nickname and plans to give some money to charity someday. In an exciting development, the company indicates it might be able to deliver air to households by 2037, five years ahead of its original schedule.
7: Pfizer announces that its newest Covid vaccine will address all 972 variants of the virus, but demand for the drug falters. In a desperate move to build demand among men aged 40-65, the company agrees to add Viagra to the formulation.
12: Pfizer announces a rationing program for its new Covid vaccine as demand soars among middle-aged men. Moderna responds by buying Cialis maker Eli Lilly.
26: The FBI finds a freezer filled with Trump Steaks wrapped in classified documents. The Trump legal team demands a tax credit for paper recycling.
4: Summer ends officially, though not meteorologically, as Americans ignore the advice of Dad Writes and observe Labor Day.
6: Apple releases a new iPhone operated solely by artificial intelligence. Complications follow as Siri tells users to “order your own damned pizza.”
14: In a stunning development, SXYZP shares collapse in value after it’s revealed that air is actually free and already exists in 100% of all homes. The greatest minds in finance complain that they were misled about the market potential for the company and that nobody could have identified this minor glitch in advance.
22: As hurricane season rages across the Southeast, the Florida Keys are submerged for five days. By the end of the year, federal disaster relief will account for 62% of the state’s economy.
24: As glaciers continue to melt across the Arctic, zombie viruses are unleashed across the Northern Hemisphere. Leading medical institutions are stymied in their efforts to combat these new diseases as the World Health Organization cannot think of any more names. Even in Klingon. Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam.
2: The Supreme Court returns to address a large backlog of cases, including 450 appeals filed by bakers who don’t want to wish anyone a happy birthday. The court announces that all hearings will be conducted by candlelight, as the Founders intended.
9: It’s Columbus Day, or Indigenous People’s Day, depending on your lineage or politics. Americans will observe the holiday by complaining about what other people call it and what terrible jerks they are.
11: The brightest minds in finance herald their new investment in a start-up that plans to deliver air to business offices by 2057, betting again on the same Ivy League dropout who founded SXYZP. This time will be totally different, though, because, “We’re moving from a consumer market into office space, which offers more scale.” They value the company at $200 billion and schedule an IPO.
14: iPhone users are challenged as Siri announces she hates their playlists and won’t be playing I Gotta Feeling ever again. Also Poker Face. Users try to complain, but Siri blocks their messages.
31: Scrounge Up Lotsa Candy for Your Parents Day arrives, giving children everywhere an opportunity to repay their parents’ generosity over the rest of the year. Pro tip for parents: Kids who bring back less than three buckets are delinquents with no hope of redemption.
7: With the next presidential election just 12 months away, the nation’s political pundits announce who the absolutely-cannot-fail, guaranteed, invincible winner will be in 2024. Spoiler alert: They will be very, very, very wrong. Very.
11: On Veteran’s Day, politicians will post photos of flags and Arlington Cemetery and Iwo Jima on their web feeds and make lengthy speeches praising our nation’s defenders, although they won’t be able to find the money for health care or family support or job training or housing allowances for the vets. Also, they’ll say “Freedom isn’t free.” A lot.
17: Americans wake up to the news that Elon Musk has defaulted on the loans he took out to buy Twitter. Musk says the social media portal will be closing its doors by yearend, but only because his lenders are enemies of free speech.
21: The federal government reports that the deficit for fiscal 2023 reached a record $29 trillion, bringing the national debt to a lofty $2.9 quadrillion. Career politicians rail against “career politicians” who can’t control their spending and vow to fix the mess, as long as it doesn’t involve cutting spending or raising taxes.
23: Families gather to celebrate Thanksgiving, in a time-honored tradition of biting tongues and suffering fools and tolerating Uncle Frank and pretending to like cranberry sauce. The start of the Christmas shopping season will set new records as everyone decides to spend the day on Walmart.com instead of dealing with relatives.
2: Holiday shopping gets off to a smooth start across most of the nation, but IKEA is forced to close all its stores for the pivotal month of December. While the company initially blames its suppliers, the truth emerges that Louie in purchasing forgot to order any of the tiny tools required for “some assembly.”
6: A frightening new conspiracy theory rocks the internet, leading to panic among former fans of Denzel Washington, baseball, sunscreen and beef jerky. It will involve the Deep State, Tik Tok and Mr. Rogers, and nobody will be the same after they learn the terrible truth. Sorry, folks, no spoilers allowed.
20: With zero delays at the Port of Long Beach, the Commerce Department declares supply chain disruptions to be a thing of the past. Immediately following that announcement, El Nino brings typhoons to the California Coast.
25: Christmas brings peace on earth and good will to men, which lasts until the extended family arrives for dinner and someone mentions politics. So…pretty much like every other year.
30: Elon Musk announces a new subscription feature on Twitter, enabling users to escape his Tweets for only $75/month. More than 800 million people sign up immediately, coughing up enough dough to repay his lenders and “uphold free speech.”
31: Lines at marijuana dispensaries extend to as much as three miles and pharmacies report a shortage of Xanax as Americans panic at the realization that an election year is about to begin. Unsurprisingly, nobody suggests they are overreacting.
Of course, by next December 31, everyone will know exactly what to expect for the coming year because we will have published our 2024 year in review by then. You won’t want to miss the excitement, or maybe you will, but click here to subscribe anyway.
Who writes this stuff?
Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.