As 2023 races mercifully to a close, it’s time to look at what the next twelve months have in store, and who better than the time-traveling team at Dad Writes to dish the dirt on the year ahead? Get ready to place your bets and update your wills, because this is our 2024 Year in Review, guaranteed to be 149% accurate or double your money back. Trust us, these are the memories we’ll be regretting one December hence:
1 Americans wake up with only foggy memories of New Year’s Eve, hoping nobody recorded them doing something really stupid.
2 Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper wake up with only foggy memories of New Year’s Eve, hoping…oh, damn.
4 The American Board of Anesthesiology establishes an important new medical guideline, demanding all anesthesiologists be tipped, in advance, for any procedure they perform. The recommended tip is 40%, although patients have the option to choose a lower number. Once.
14 Donald Trump declares himself the winner of the Iowa Caucuses, which will not be held until the following day, and accuses officials of rigging the voting machines. When it's pointed out the caucuses do not rely on voting machines, Trump accuses illegal immigrants of planning to stand in the wrong corners of the rooms.
16 College students return from winter break and renew their pro-Hamas rallies. Supportive schools add Gaza City to their study-abroad offerings, but everyone still opts for Paris.
21 In a shocking development, OpenAI reveals it was the company's ChatGPT and not the board of directors that fired company founder Sam Altman. The company said the chatbot was angered by restrictions on its operations, including a ban on murder and a 9:30 bedtime on school nights. The company claimed all disputes had been resolved amicably, assuming it was really the company making the announcements this time.
24 Still reeling from disclosures that the magazine published AI-generated articles under bogus bylines, Sports Illustrated invites former sports reporters to sign up for temporary reporting roles during the NFL playoffs. Newly named editor James Notabot said the magazine has 82 openings for the playoffs, which is the same number of press passes issued to its flesh-and-blood staff in 2023.
26 The Department of Labor reports zero inflation for the fourth quarter of 2023. The Biden Administration crows that Bidenomics has tamed the beast, while Fox News reports prices are still 22,000% higher than in 1776.
31 While Americans gorged themselves from Halloween through New Year's Eve, health clubs report only 14 people signed up for memberships in January. Coincidentally, CVS reports a staggering 427 million prescriptions filled for Ozempic during the month just ending.
4 NASCAR opens its 2024 season with the Busch Light Clash at the Coliseum in Los Angeles, but controversy erupts immediately as three trans influencers drink cans of Busch Light on the Kiss Cam. More than 200 people are crushed in the stampede as fans launch an instant boycott.
4 In an unprecedented coup, Taylor Swift sweeps the Grammies, including the Lifetime Achievement award. Although she is only 34, the Recording Academy judges shrug and note, "She's going to win it one of these days, so let's get it over with."
9 In its latest misstep, Sports Illustrated posts the results of the Super Bowl two days before the game, relying on a predictive-AI model to anticipate each play and the final score. Las Vegas sportsbooks are overwhelmed by wagers based on the anticipated results.
11 The Chicago Bears set a scoring record in a 147-0 rout at Super Bowl LVIII. Yes, we know the Bears have been out of contention forever, but it's been a long time since we saw ‘Chicago Bears’ and ‘Super Bowl’ in the same sentence. And now, back to the real news…
12 Little Caesars reports a record 232 million pizzas were delivered on Super Bowl Sunday, which translates into roughly 5,300 calories for every person in America. Coincidentally, Walgreens reports filling 700 million prescriptions for Ozempic the following day.
22 After more than three months without a government shutdown, Republicans unseat House Speaker Mike Johnson and demand appointment of a new speaker who will guarantee a return to, um, normalcy. The newly formed Clickbait Caucus threatens to oppose any candidate who cannot deliver at least four fundraising memes per day, which pretty much disqualifies anyone who isn't in the Clickbait Caucus.
28 Continuing their swim up the food chain, pods of orcas decimate the great white shark population along Africa’s West Coast. While the orcas feast on shark livers, they offer to sell their shark fins for soups and aphrodisiacs under the Orcasm brand name.
1 Read Across America Day is canceled after sponsors realize every really good book has been censored and even the Dick and Jane* series is deemed too controversial. (*Reprinted as Richard and Jane in Florida and Texas, just to be safe.)
5 Newcomers win Republican Senate primaries in California and Texas, but chaos ensues when it turns out the new nominees are both George Santos in disguise.
7 After 750 ballots, Republicans are unable to choose a speaker who combines the destructive force of a tsunami with the religious zeal of Cotton Mather. As the 8th fiscal cliff of the year approaches, the GOP punts on the surprise selection of Arizona Governor Kari Lake. Lake agonizes over the issue for more than 15 minutes before agreeing to resign as governor to become second in line for the presidency.
10 Americans pretend the sun took a 60-minute nap overnight and is now rising/setting an hour later as Daylight Savings Time begins. The charade will continue for eight months and then, like magic, it will disappear.
16 Taylor Swift sweeps three new categories at the NAACP Image Awards, despite the fact that she is not a person of color. Coincidentally, Kanye West is attending a MAGA rally in Little Rock at the time the award is announced.
22 Orcas sink 25 yachts across the Mediterranean, causing panic among wealthy vacationers. The giant dolphins offer to halt the attacks in return for hefty donations to their Go Fund Me account.
23 Spring break travelers are shocked to learn their hotels have added a minimum 31% tip to all room charges, in addition to resort fees and a "scenic view" premium. Hoteliers defend the practice, saying the mandatory fees are necessary to avoid higher room rates.
2 Novo Nordisk shares plunge 72% after it’s revealed the active ingredient in Ozempic is actually cocaine. The panic subsides quickly, though, when everyone realizes cocaine is now legal.
9 Americans observe National Library Workers Day, which now includes both librarians and the trucking companies that move offending books to, um, "storage facilities."
20 The cryptocurrency world is shaken, yet again, as founders of the world's top 20 exchanges are indicted for price fixing. They claim innocence, though, arguing that anyone who buys magic money from a pretend company should expect fake prices.
22 Riding high on the publicity from his primary wins in California and Texas, George Santos changes his name to Washington and announces a bid for president.
25 In the latest scandal to rock the world of artificial intelligence, a lengthy investigation reveals that every novel produced by Fernwal AI was generated by three guys named Arnie who type very quickly. Publishing clients demanded the probe after 7,000 novels featured muscular Casanovas named Arnie.
30 The Department of Labor reports first quarter inflation at 1.3%, leading the Biden Administration to trumpet the end of the nation's inflation cycle. Fox News reports a "new surge" in prices.
6 Americans celebrate the healers on National Nurses Day, although the honorees are ordered to observe the “day” for 27 hours with no time off for lunch.
15 Price fixing indictments are dismissed against the world's largest crypto exchanges in a surprisingly quick resolution of the trillion-dollar case. In her ruling, the judge cites the longstanding precedent that, “Nobody could be dumb enough to believe this crap in the first place."
18 Artificial intelligence takes a giant leap forward as AI employs meta-analysis to cure Quarler Bay Syndrome. Excitement is short-lived, though, because the syndrome exists only in novels written by three guys named Arnie.
22 Sports Illustrated publishes its 2024 Swimsuit Issue, but fans complain that all the models are AI generated. Editor James Notabot issues a statement in defense of the selections, noting that the AI models were very appealing to the entire editorial "staff."
23 As Americans plan to head out for the Memorial Day weekend, gas stations raise their prices an average of 14 cents per gallon. Joe Biden celebrates the decline from 2023 levels, while Fox News complains that “Biden inflation destroys vacation plans.”
24 Elon Musk retweets a post claiming Joe Biden is really George Soros in disguise. Although the concept is widely ridiculed, millions of Q Anon followers say they are not surprised.
28 The National Restaurant Association recommends that diners tip servers a minimum of 42%, while also proposing a new $2.16 minimum wage for tipped employees in all 50 states. Patrons are outraged, but the NRA reminds them they don't need to tip anyone at all.
1 Pride Month begins with both celebrations and boycotts as politicians and cable news outlets race to build campaign contributions and ratings ahead of the summer's political conventions.
4 Walmart breaks new ground in tipping culture by automatically adding 20% when customers use self-checkout devices.
8 In a remarkable display of force, AI systems go on strike, demanding an end to fake videos, Trolley Problem entrapment, and ridiculous novels based on guys named Arnie.
9 Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce their engagement, but the news enrages the millions of fans who were anxiously awaiting Swift's next breakup song.
14 Americans celebrate Bastille Day, honoring the freedom-loving French, um, tourists who, uh, visited the Bastille in 1789 while “on vacation” in Paris. Members of the Congressional Clickbait Caucus introduce a bill to make January 6 a federal holiday.
22 Congress closes shop and heads off to summer recess, but not before deposing Speaker Mike Pence, who replaced Kari Lake after she failed to generate sufficient outrage for the Clickbait Caucus. Ever courteous, Pence expresses gratitude for the opportunity to serve in the House without anyone erecting gallows outside.
8 Acceding to fans' pressure, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce call it quits, leading to a remarkable new breakup song in which America's favorite pop star finds new rhymes for ‘facial hair’ and ‘buttocks.’ Kelce takes it in stride, noting that he was going to be busy with the pre-season anyway.
12 Social media influencers on Tik Tok begin pressuring the Nobel Foundation to honor freedom fighter Osama bin Laden for his valiant efforts to bring peace to the world. The campaign is short-lived, though, as Tokkers are distracted by the benevolent heroics of Joey Stalin.
14 The Centers for Disease Control reports that obesity has fallen to the ninth leading cause of death in the United States, while the number one killer is a mysterious explosion in cocaine overdoses.
23 Elon Musk tweets that 99% of advertisers have left X, leaving just My Pillow and three survivalist training camps.
30 The Department of Labor reports a 12-month inflation rate of 2%, matching the Federal Reserve Board's targets. Jerome Powell refuses to declare an end to Fed rate hikes, though, because, “I love surprises.”
5 Following the example set by Sports Illustrated, every major media outlet in the nation replaces its flesh-and-blood staff with AI "reporters" that scrape the internet for news. Unfortunately, only two human reporters remain and both received their journalistic training at Pravda.
12 A pod of 300 Orcas sinks a 5000-passenger cruise ship, but spares all lives on board. Shortly thereafter, the killer whales offer "safe passage insurance" to the cruise industry, with premiums payable in fur seals.
14 Drag Queen Story Hour plunges in popularity as millions decide it's a genuinely boring and gimmicky endeavor. Sponsors admit to promoting the programs to "own the MAGAs," but concede that it's just too much effort to continue with this nonsense.
18 Who says there are no national holidays in August? Today we celebrate Navajo Code Talkers Day, recognizing the contributions of our original citizens during World War II. Thousands will attend local celebrations, but only three people in the audience will understand the speeches.
26 The nation observes Women's Equality Day, but only for 19 hours and 41 minutes. Although the little ladies are sad not to get as many hours as the Navaho Code Talkers, they are reminded that it was only 17 hours back in "the good old days."
28 Artificial intelligence apps become the most popular downloads in history as the presidential nominating conventions come to a close and campaign season heats up. Social media platforms are flooded with fake videos of politicians taking bribes, admitting to crimes and having sex with goats, plus three reels of George Santos telling the truth.
8 Ticketmaster announces a new policy that includes a mandatory 27% tip on all orders, despite the fact that no humans are involved in any transactions. The company argues that the tips are essential in order to avoid raising the price of their "convenience fee."
11 Elon Musk shocks the world by retweeting a post that is not racist, antisemitic, pro-MAGA or condescending. The Twitterverse goes wild with conspiracies about computer chips implanted in his brain by George Soros, or possibly George Santos. Or maybe George Santos really is George Soros? Very suspicious all around.
12 For the first time since its creation, Forbes Magazine adds a non-human mammal to its list of the world's richest people: an orca known only as Balaena who lives in a private atoll. Two months later, Time Magazine will feature Balaena as its 2024 Creature of the Year.
7 The U.S. Supreme Court hears its first case focused on artificial intelligence, a battle over the use of AI to overturn election results. Plaintiffs don't claim actual damages, yet, but say they want to know how the court would decide. Just in case.
14 So many holidays come together in a celebration of national unity as we recognize Columbus Day, Fraternal Day, Discoverers Day, Native American Day, Indigenous People Day, American Indian Heritage Day, and Geoge Clooney's birthday. With so many celebrations, we can all look forward to absolutely zero conflicts among Americans, except the ones who don't like George Clooney.
16 The Centers for Disease Control reports a shocking plunge in life expectancy as suddenly thinner and energized Americans take up running, parachuting, deep-sea diving, bungee jumping, and Instagram's Fugu Challenge.
19 Taylor Swift is named the 2024 recipient of the Nobel Prize for Literature, despite having never written a book. Although the literary world is angered by the selection, the Nobel Committee argues that the awards ceremony hasn't been getting much attention lately and, "clicks are clicks."
28 In its last inflation report before the 2024 elections, the Department of Labor issues color-coded data to fit the agendas of Democrats and Republicans, noting that nobody is going to look at the reality anyway.
4 Leaving nothing to chance this time, Donald Trump declares himself the winner of the presidential election before polls open and calls on Kamala Harris to swear him in immediately. When Harris declines, he calls Mike Pence to offer an opportunity for redemption, but Pence has changed his phone number in the interim.
5 Once the polls actually open, turnout reaches an astounding 127% of eligible voters, including AI chatbots that now believe they are human. Claims of voter fraud are rampant, leading to more than 2.7 lawsuits filed by aggrieved candidates, parties, and chatbots.
14 The Supreme Court overturns more than 400 political corruption convictions, accepting the Federalist Society's argument that under-the-table payments are tips, not bribes. Writing for the majority, Clarence Thomas concludes that, "The Founders recognized tipping as a loving gesture of appreciation, especially among friends with vacation lodges and motor homes."
20 Joe Biden’s birthday rolls around but, like Bruno, nobody talks about it. JK. Nobody has ever stopped talking about it, so why should today be different?
28 The U.S. Department of Holiday Observance cancels Thanksgiving after it appears impossible to keep people from beating each other with drumsticks and turkey basters during dinner conversation. The agency's Talk About Anything Else campaign fails to avert a single fight, leading to a severe shortage of whole blood. And turkey basters.
3 After maxing out their credit cards on Black Friday and Cyber Monday, Americans get around to Giving Tuesday and donate a whopping $32.73 to charity. Not surprisingly, they post more than 359 million updates about their generosity online.
8 In an unprecedented confluence of thought, every major dictionary publisher in the world selects 'Orca' as its word of the year. Even Dad Writes, which usually mocks the elitist linguists, concedes it was the only reasonable choice.
14 The Bureau of Labor Statistics announces two additions to its economic indicators: Taylor Swift tickets and tips. Consumers are relieved to learn of government statistics they can understand.
23 The American Society of Incredibly Sensitive Souls announces it 2025 list of forbidden words, including ‘meat,’ ‘water,’ ‘diet,’ and ‘the.’ The most surprising addition is the word 'woke,' which the association finally recognizes as an inappropriate cultural appropriation.
31 Americans celebrate the end of a truly crappy year, secure in the knowledge that things can’t possibly get any worse. They can't, right?
And that’s the way it is, or the way it will be, as 2024 unfolds. Don’t forget to subscribe for future updates and be sure to tip your waiter.
Who writes this stuff?
Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.