American Brides get a Do-Over

We’ve got some unfinished business here in America, and it’s way past time we made good on our promise to thousands of women who suffered the ultimate harm while their cities were locked up over the past two years.

As always, it’s women who bear the burden when the world falls apart and nobody has suffered more over the past two years than brides. When wedding halls closed and relatives quarantined, nearly 247 million women in America were forced to get married via Zoom and forgo the absolutely perfect, no flaws-at-all parties they began planning in utero.

Now that the hotels are all open again, it’s this year’s brides who are getting all the choice dates and the women who missed their windows in 2020-21 are shipwrecked in the seas of despair.

Until now.

Today, the Clef d’Or team at Dad Writes announces the Wedding Do-Over, an incredibly high-tech and lifelike simulation that brings all the joy of that perfect wedding to the brides who were the real victims of Covid. Using the latest in CGI technology—the same incredible science that made it look like Will Smith actually slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars—we will finally deliver the perfect day for the most deserving of women.

We won’t actually put together a party, of course, since we don’t know anything about having a good time, but we will create a video that recreates the celebration that might have been. And, it will be so realistic that everyone who watches it will say they remember being there. Our video absolutely will include:

• The bride and groom walking solemnly down the aisle, only to break dance with a flash mob halfway toward the altar.
  
• The groomsman whose vest is undone and whose shirt is hanging out of his pants before anyone can say, “I do.”
• Women of a certain age (80+) who insist on shaking it down with the 10-year-old ring bearer.
• The bride’s father, announcing he got all his ideas for his toast from The Google.
• The bridesmaid’s plus-one who stages his own dance show, busting moves and furniture as he shows everyone how it’s done.
• The band leader guiding his troupe through YMCA, Macarena, Achy Breaky Heart and a dozen other songs that were popular before the bride and groom were born.
• The flower girl standing on the shoes of some random old guy as they dance to whatever syrupy old song you want.
  
• The husband and wife—though not each other’s—caught making out in the coat room.
  

But wait, there’s more. Also included are the Cake Smearing Ceremony, the Sweaty Garter Toss, Bouquet Battleground and those uncomfortable dances among the in-laws. We make it look like the real thing, without all the anxiety and stress and absolutely no food poisoning.

But wait yet again, because there's even more more! Order in the next 15 minutes and we will add a free video of the bachelorette party that should have been, including the Drunken Trolley Ride, Condom Balloons, Sobbing BFFs, and, of course, the inevitable Ponytail Holding Ceremony.

Yes, it all sounds too good to be true, but don’t let that stop you from sending us photos of the wedding party and only $48,000,000 (plus postage and handling) to recapture the moment that never was. We’ll be glad you did.

We’ll also be glad if you click here to subscribe for our next unbelievable offers, or whatever other lunacy we come up with each week.
 
 

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