Sending you the best of VD, and just in time...

So Valentine’s Day is coming up and I would say that I’m panicked about what I should do, but what guy gets panicked about this before midnight on February 13?

No guy, that’s who, and I can prove it with real scientific science. According to research at the Human Genome Project, the third exon of the DLG3 gene makes it impossible for men to learn from past mistakes. That’s why we never remember to put down the seat, run the dishwasher, open the car door or order flowers. And, yes, it absolutely is in our DNA, so anyone who criticizes us for this is a hater and a geneticist.

Being a manly, man’s man, I am not doing any planning for Valentine’s Day, at least for myself. For the benefit of my millions of followers, however, I have undertaken intensive research about ways to make this VD very, very special. Just follow these three simple rules and you’ve got your own romcom, minus Drew Barrymore.

1. Up your game. Yeah, this might require some actual effort, but we were coasting last year. In 2021, any guy with half a brain was telling his S/O about all the incredible plans that Covid wrecked. “Yeah, dear, we were going to France and then to Italy and I rented a chateau for us in the Swiss Alps and, you know that diamond bracelet you loved at Tiffany’s/Neiman’s/Walmart? Danged Covid.”
   
   Hope you took maximum advantage of that break last year, because we aren’t likely to enjoy such wonderful pandemic lockdowns anytime soon. This year, we have to move up from zero, which is a heavy lift, I know.
2. Be first. The first person to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” is the winner. If your S/O gets to say it first, you’ll spend the rest of the day playing catch-up. Gain first-mover advantage by setting the alarm for 12:01 a.m., or earlier, and whispering/texting/phoning your sentiments. Midnight is the best time, of course, because you know you’re as early as possible and you can sleep late the next morning with no risk of being the second wisher.
   
   Pro tip: Don’t just say, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Be sure to add, “Can’t wait for all the plans I’ve made for us.” No, doofus, you don’t actually have to make any plans before VD arrives, but mentioning your plans really cements your status as a truly romantic devil. Plus, it puts your S/O on the defensive, which is key to winning Valentine’s Day.
   
   
3. Make plans. After you’ve slept in and you’re all rested up, it’s time to get to work. Don’t panic, though, because everything you need is available for same-day delivery.
   
   When you wake up, be sure to mention your message from midnight and ask if your partner received it. You know the answer, but it’s important to reinforce that you were first and they are the ones on defense. If they ask what you have planned, say it’s a surprise. That will be true, because you haven’t figured it out yet. And you don’t need to think about it much, because we’ve created the three best options for you.
   
   
   1. First, there’s the wine and chocolate package, which is just what it sounds like. Get same-day delivery on everything, but make sure there are separate orders, so you can say it’s a day-long celebration. Pro tip #2: Get more than one wine delivery, maybe seven.
   2. Second, consider the ironic package, which would include a single rose and a heart-shaped pizza. Make it clear that you know how truly, truly lame it is, but say you thought it was so kitschy that it’s really fun.
      
   3. Third, there’s romantic movie night, at home, with catering by Orville Redenbacher and Wilbur Domino. Both easy and peasy.
      
      

Of course, Valentine’s Day is in a Monday this year, so some guys have already been conned into doing something over this weekend. If that’s already happened to you, you are a major loser and unworthy of our priceless wisdom. The smart guys know how to say they want to keep the holiday pure by celebrating on its own special day. Well, they’ll know to say that around midnight tonight, at least.

Seriously, how would you survive without our heroic rescues?
 
Now that you’ve learned how to be the perfect romantic partner with approximately zero effort, don’t you want to know how to win at St. Patrick’s Day? Of course, you do, so click here to subscribe.
 
 

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