Use these unbelievable deductions to save on taxes

I can’t tell you how excited I am to file my tax return this year, along with all the other PATRIOTS who say the United States is the BEST COUNTRY ever. Tax Day is such a great holiday, an opportunity for all REAL AMERICANS to step up and be counted in the GREATEST DEMOCRACY with the GREATEST CONSTITUTION and the GREATEST PEOPLE. (Well, the greatest people if we exclude you-know-who from that other tribe.)
 
Frankly, I’m surprised the IRS site doesn’t have a tab to give them a tip when we e-file our payments. I tip the guy who brings me my cheeseburgers, so I should be able to tip the fine folks at the IRS who are handling my contribution to democracy. Maybe next year.
 
In the meantime, I’m excited to learn that our national government is an even bigger bargain than in the past, thanks to some really key new deductions that are available to selected taxpayers. (Readers will want to check with their own advisors to see if you qualify, of course.) Some of the new deductions are incredibly generous, just what you’d expect from your favorite Uncle, including:

1. Work from Home parents can now deduct the cost of toys, games and the extra IPad you bought your pre-schooler to keep them occupied while you made your remote sales pitches. Just submit form 1087-GOPLAYSOMEWHEREELSE
   
   
2. All expired memberships, tickets, coupons and fresh fruit can be deducted against income for 2020, although this special item excludes 20% off coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond. Even the federal government can’t print money fast enough to cover the potential hit from all those Bed Bath discounts. Consult Schedule 928-NOREFUNDS.
   
   
3. If you were quarantined for 14 days, your subscription to Netflix is deductible, but only if you didn’t chill. If you chilled, you broke the quarantine and the expense will be disallowed. Of course, if you were chilling with a customer, it’s an allowable entertainment cost. For further details, consult Schedule 14X-TIGERKING
   
   
4. If you tipped your delivery driver more than 30%, the tip is deductible as a charitable donation, but only if you ordered from a local company with less than 12 employees and the delivery was made by a teenager on a bicycle. Be sure to use form 4982-PIZZA
   
   
5. If you broke your touch screen while trying to find a vaccine appointment, a replacement device is deductible as a medical expense, but only if you actually obtained the vaccine. Refer to Schedule 2789-MAYBENEXTYEAR.
   
   
6. If you gained 50 pounds and finally decided to buy a Peloton bike, you can deduct the cost of the bike and subscription, but only after you’ve lost the 50 pounds. Don’t bother checking the schedule, since this is never going to happen, pal.  
   
   
7. If you looted a grocery store, a police station or the United States Capitol, any items you removed must be declared as income, even if you subsequently were forced to give them back. Be sure to provide proof of your involvement by attaching time-stamped videos and social media posts to Form 24601-FBI.
   
   
8. If you’ve been working from your dining room table for the past 12 months, the cost of the table, chairs, nearby light fixture and popcorn bowl are all deductible home office expenses. The deduction is reduced if you’ve used the dining room to entertain guests, but nobody does that anymore, so 100%, baby. Just complete Form 9881-DEATHBYZOOM.
   
   
9. Hip techies who gave up their spaces at WeWork to work from home can deduct the monthly rental even if they stiffed the company, utilizing the GameStop exemption for companies backed by hedge funds. Just fill out form 2087-SCREWU and you’re home free.
   
   
10. Speaking of which, if you held on to your Gamestop shares at least one year, but sold them before the stock jumped to $483, you can claim your lost profit opportunity as a casualty loss, but only if you reinvest your proceeds in a coal company. Consult Schedule 49-GREATERFOOL.

 
I’m taking advantage of all of these special deductions and it looks like I’ll be getting a big refund from the BEST COUNTRY EVER. Not only am I scheduled to receive of $2,813,938, but my accountant thinks it’s pretty certain that the U.S. government will give me secure housing for the next 15-20 years, or maybe even my entire life.
 
Is this a great country, or what?
 
Before you check with a tax professional to find out which of these amazing deductions is available to you, be sure to click here to subscribe to Dad Writes for more unbelievable advice.

 
 

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