Perfect parenting made ridiculously simple

​So, last week I explained why being a dad is the easiest job in the world, which led millions of unengaged dads to leap off their couches and do their duty. I know because my mailbox has been stuffed with poopy diapers that other fathers have sent me, clearly to show their gratitude for my lessons in the Tao of Fatherhood.
 
This week, we continue our tutorial with a Father’s Day list of all the things you need to know to be a great dad. (Also a great mom, but I finished this too late for Mother’s Day.) Our super-secret list shows how simple it really is to raise great kids and finally earn your “World’s Best Dad” coffee cup.
 
And so, we submit with great pride and just a bit of trepidation…How to Be the Bestest Parental Unit Ever!!

1. Your kids are yours for about two years. Immediately after birth, mom and dad are 99% of their universe, but soon they interact with other people and with video screens and books and toys and your influence drops steadily. By the time they reach two, your influence level has dropped below 50%. You’re still the most important player in their universe, but not the majority influencer any more. And if there is already another child in the house, you’ll drop below 50% in about 18 months. Be very involved very early or the opportunity will disappear before they learn to speak.
2. You can’t love them too much. I got this one from Alan who got it from Irwin, and I have no idea who told Irwin, but it turned out to be very powerful. You can give them too much, spoil them too much, feed them too much….but you can’t love them too much. And by “love,” I am referring to the genuine affection and caring that lets them know they have a safe place where they belong and a person who is fully committed to them.
3. “No” is not the start of a conversation. So often, I will hear parents say “no” as if it’s a question. It’s not. “No” is a statement and it’s the end of the discussion, a point of no return. That means we need to be careful how often we say “no,” but we should mean it when we say it. Kids want structure in their lives and need to know how they fit into the world. “No” is a part of that structure. In a very real way, “no” gives meaning to “yes.”
4. Teach when they’re ready. By the time Little Tessa is tired and hungry and crying, it’s too late to explain things. Set the standards and the expectations while she’s calm and rested. Then, it’s much easier to maintain the balance when the stress level is higher.
5. They’re so much smarter than you. We’re never as intelligent as we were on the day we were born, but that intelligence can be masked by our lack of communication skills. Babies are like computers that boot themselves with no software, and they understand more than we think. Speak to them like you’d speak with an adult, use real words, and fill that giant server we call a brain.
6. Retreat is not surrender. I’m not a fisherman, but I understand that raising kids is like fishing. Sometimes you need to pull them in and sometimes you need to give them slack. Often, you need to give them slack when your ego says to rein them in.
7. Be there.  Sitting on the couch and watching the same screen is not togetherness. When you’re inhabiting the same space, make sure to build a memory.  
8. Never take credit. As noted in item 1, we become less and less significant as time goes by and our relative contribution to their development becomes smaller and smaller. They succeed or fail because they incorporate all kinds of lessons into their development. There’s no way to be sure your lessons are the ones that made the difference.
9. Invest in quantity time. People talk about quality time, but you can’t plan quality time, really. Quality happens when it happens, and it won’t happen if you don’t have enough quantity.
10. Speak with them, not just to them. Their ability to engage with adults, and with other children, begins with the adults in their homes. I’m a big fan of dinner without television or cell phones, and a really big fan of making them full partners in the conversation.
11. Get very, very lucky. Not sure how to plan this, but it worked very well for me and I recommend it to everyone.  
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What sure-fire wisdom did we miss in our brief recap?  Feel free to share your hard-won insights in our comments section below, and also feel free to share this post with any other parents you know. There’s nothing moms and dads want more than unsolicited advice from total strangers, so they are sure to be thrilled with this Father’s Day present.
 
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