Avoid Chicago if you hope to survive

Be very afraid.

All the Republican politicians and Fox News pundits are 150% right when they call Chicago a crime-infested, corrupt, leftist, sleazebag hellhole. And it’s even worse in the summer, when we’re even sleazier and hellhole-ier, so definitely stay away right now if you value your life.

I pity people who come to visit over the summer months, because everything the right-wingers say about us is true, true and true. Every single person living within the city limits is killed each night and we just ship in new people to be killed the next night. Every black person is a murderous gang thug and every homeless person is planning to burn down the next building they see. And don’t think you’ll be safe around the white people, either, because they’ll grab your children and make them gay or trans or bi- or tri- or quadruple.

We completely de-funded the police and we give looters frequent flier miles for the value of their stolen goods. Nobody speaks English, of course, because the only people you’ll find out in public are illegal aliens who would steal all our jobs, if we had any businesses that were still operating.

Apologists for the city will claim that it’s really safe here and tourists should come and visit in the summer. They’ll try to lure outa towners with stories about outdoor dining and neighborhood festivals and zoos and culture. They’ll brag about restaurants with Michelin stars and the highest-rated museums in the world. They'll try to trick you with baseball and hot dogs—the real ones, not those skinny tubes of fat they sell in New York—and all that other claptrap.

They might even try to confuse you with "facts" and "truth," but don't be fooled. It’s a crime-infested, corrupt, leftist, sleazebag hellhole here and it’s especially dangerous now that there’s a fatwa against suburbanites who venture east of Harlem. (Especially you, Schaumburgians!!)

There’s a bounty on the heads of all the conventioneers who get lost in the most-logical street grid on earth and there’s a shoot-on-sight order for anyone who comes for that stupid NASCAR thing over Fourth of July weekend. It’s a combination of The Purge and Saw, but all day every day, all summer long.

Whatever you do, stay away from Chicago this summer. No matter how careful you are, you will absolutely be murdered, assuming you weren’t carjacked and left for dead on the way into town.

If you’re still feeling lucky, punk, you should definitely wait to come here after Labor Day, or maybe November, just to be safe. By then, all the gang leaders will have moved down to their mansions in Cuba and the immigrants will be at their vacation homes in Texas and Florida. Businesses will be operating again and we’ll have at least 50 people on the police force. Granted, all of them will be named Fife, but we do the best we can. According to the actuaries, you’ll have a 74% chance of surviving your visit here if you show up after summer is over; and up to 78% if you don’t leave your hotel room.

Just remember, you’ve been warned. There’s nothing worse than being a tourist in Chicago in the summer, so stay out of our toddlin’ town if you know what’s good for you. Those of us who already live here will try, ever so bravely, to make the most of our summertime agony, and we’ll let you know when/if it’s safe to pay us a visit. Definitely not until after Labor Day, though. We'll let you know.

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