Be it resolved...for your own good

Yes, brand new year, fresh start, only a few days old and yet…it seems there was something you were going to do and you just haven’t gotten around to it. What was it? It was really important and the success of 2021 depends on it and you’re not going to be able to sleep at night until you figure it out.
 
Oh. Yeah. That’s it.
 
You forgot to make your New Year’s resolutions. What in the world were you (not) thinking when you didn’t tackle this critical project? Not to worry, though, because the scolds at Dad Writes has been working non-stop to find all the changes you should make in 2021 to become a better person.
 
We understand that some of this will be difficult, but it’s for your own good. You’ve really screwed up a lot in the past year—no offense—and you need some tough love guidance to get you back on the straight and narrow. The list of all the changes you need to make is huge, so we will just focus on the top ten resolutions that you must follow immediately:  

1. Gain 20 pounds. We thought we’d start out with an easy one, one that hardly needs a resolution at all. Success on resolution one will help you as the tasks get tougher and tougher.
2. Forward absolutely fraudulent stories on the internet and leave them on your stream even after your friends point out the fakery. Okay, it’s another really easy one, but we want you to feel good about yourself and your ability to follow through on your intentions.
3. Pay more to finance your holiday 2020 purchases than you actually paid for all that crap in the first place. Again, we’re focusing on the achievable goals first.
4. Offend your relatives for no particular reason. Another can’t-fail resolution, since your family is about as thin-skinned and cranky as they come. Really, you should get an award for putting up with them at all.
5. Burn all the recipes you’ve been clipping for the past 20 years. If you haven’t cooked them yet, they’re nothing but judgmental reminders of your failure to achieve your goals. Does that bring you joy?
6. Speaking of recipes, be a daredevil and finally eat that thing in your freezer that has all the ice crystals on it and might be either a pound of hamburger or a bicycle tire. What could possibly go wrong?
7. Win the lottery. This has always been the key to your financial planning and you’re not going to be able to retire on that yacht unless you do it, so make this the year that you finally live the dream. 
8. In case item 7 doesn’t work out, become a social influencer with 10 million followers. Hint: Step one is changing your name to Kardashian, or maybe Bieber.
9. Digitize all your photos and videos so you can show them to your grandchildren, who will be so fascinated and inspired by your incredible life that they’ll want to take care of you in your old age. This ploy hasn’t worked for anyone else yet, but maybe you’ll be the first.
10. Stop taking direction from people who don’t know you and don’t care about you and presume that they know what’s best for you and give you really stupid advice that has nothing to do with your needs or skills or dreams and just adds more pressure and aggravation to your life and gives you one more reason to feel like you’re being judged unfairly all the time. (Of course, you can take direction from us because we know you so well and we’re almost BFFs, but stop taking advice from anyone else.)

 
These simple steps are guaranteed to make your 2021 even better than drowning in quicksand or dining on dung beetles. Even better, they give you absolute freedom to ignore all those so-called “experts” with their “wisdom” and “experience” and “good advice” and “common sense” that never works. No, no need to thank us. Making you a better person is the least we can do.
 
How else can Dad Writes explain all the ways you need to improve your life? Find out by clicking here to subscribe to all our judgments about what’s best for you.
 

 

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