Dad Writes
  • Home | Dad Writes
  • What's Your Story?
  • Fun is Good!
  • Blog
  • Subscribe

Be it resolved...for your own good

1/3/2021

1 Comment

 
Picture

Yes, brand new year, fresh start, only a few days old and yet…it seems there was something you were going to do and you just haven’t gotten around to it. What was it? It was really important and the success of 2021 depends on it and you’re not going to be able to sleep at night until you figure it out.
 
Oh. Yeah. That’s it.
 
You forgot to make your New Year’s resolutions. What in the world were you (not) thinking when you didn’t tackle this critical project? Not to worry, though, because the scolds at Dad Writes has been working non-stop to find all the changes you should make in 2021 to become a better person.
 
We understand that some of this will be difficult, but it’s for your own good. You’ve really screwed up a lot in the past year—no offense—and you need some tough love guidance to get you back on the straight and narrow. The list of all the changes you need to make is huge, so we will just focus on the top ten resolutions that you must follow immediately:  

  1. Gain 20 pounds. We thought we’d start out with an easy one, one that hardly needs a resolution at all. Success on resolution one will help you as the tasks get tougher and tougher.
  2. Forward absolutely fraudulent stories on the internet and leave them on your stream even after your friends point out the fakery. Okay, it’s another really easy one, but we want you to feel good about yourself and your ability to follow through on your intentions.
  3. Pay more to finance your holiday 2020 purchases than you actually paid for all that crap in the first place. Again, we’re focusing on the achievable goals first.
  4. Offend your relatives for no particular reason. Another can’t-fail resolution, since your family is about as thin-skinned and cranky as they come. Really, you should get an award for putting up with them at all.
  5. Burn all the recipes you’ve been clipping for the past 20 years. If you haven’t cooked them yet, they’re nothing but judgmental reminders of your failure to achieve your goals. Does that bring you joy?
  6. Speaking of recipes, be a daredevil and finally eat that thing in your freezer that has all the ice crystals on it and might be either a pound of hamburger or a bicycle tire. What could possibly go wrong?
  7. Win the lottery. This has always been the key to your financial planning and you’re not going to be able to retire on that yacht unless you do it, so make this the year that you finally live the dream. 
  8. In case item 7 doesn’t work out, become a social influencer with 10 million followers. Hint: Step one is changing your name to Kardashian, or maybe Bieber.
  9. Digitize all your photos and videos so you can show them to your grandchildren, who will be so fascinated and inspired by your incredible life that they’ll want to take care of you in your old age. This ploy hasn’t worked for anyone else yet, but maybe you’ll be the first.
  10. Stop taking direction from people who don’t know you and don’t care about you and presume that they know what’s best for you and give you really stupid advice that has nothing to do with your needs or skills or dreams and just adds more pressure and aggravation to your life and gives you one more reason to feel like you’re being judged unfairly all the time. (Of course, you can take direction from us because we know you so well and we’re almost BFFs, but stop taking advice from anyone else.)
 
These simple steps are guaranteed to make your 2021 even better than drowning in quicksand or dining on dung beetles. Even better, they give you absolute freedom to ignore all those so-called “experts” with their “wisdom” and “experience” and “good advice” and “common sense” that never works. No, no need to thank us. Making you a better person is the least we can do.
 
How else can Dad Writes explain all the ways you need to improve your life? Find out by clicking here to subscribe to all our judgments about what’s best for you.
 

 


1 Comment
David Brimm
1/4/2021 12:18:18 pm

Ah, the sage of Chicago shares his uncanny advice. Many thanks.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Who writes this stuff?

    Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him. 

    Archives

    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018

    Categories

    All
    Aging Gracelessly
    Coronavirus
    Dadstuff
    Holidays
    Humorish
    Lessons Learned
    Life=Biz=Life=Biz
    Stories From Life
    Why Is That?

    RSS Feed

Website by RyTech, LLC
  • Home | Dad Writes
  • What's Your Story?
  • Fun is Good!
  • Blog
  • Subscribe