But only if I respond by MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!!!

A few years ago, I made the mistake of making a few political donations, which is turning out to be one of my few regrets in life. Mark Twain was right about sausage and the law, but he should have included political campaigning in the mix.

At the time of my foolish involvement in “the process,” I ended up making donations to both Republicans and Democrats, plus a PAC or two, and now I am reaping the whirlwind as the 2022 political season ramps up. For some reason, all these politicians seem to be sharing their mailing lists with other politicians, so everyone from senator to dog catcher seems to think I’m their friend and one of their most loyal supporters and, with all due modesty, a true patriot who is the bedrock of our great nation.

Apparently, I am all that is standing in the way of Armageddon, economic catastrophe, and the banning of pumpkin spice latte in October. Or, more accurately, my checkbook and I are all that are preventing the destruction of our way of life. If and when we turn into a Banana Republic (dictatorship, not the store), I will be 100% responsible, because I did not respond BY MIDNIGHT!!!

As best I can tell, we are already under siege from illegal aliens who are trying to take the guns away from transgender students who are canceling the free speech of cable news hosts who are persecuted because they are trying to protect the rights of atheist militias that want to take a knee to protest Pikachu, or praise Hello Kitty. Or vice versa.

We’ve got trouble, my friends. This is a hellhole of a country, a disaster, a collapsing civilization, and the last, best hope for humanity. Millions of our fellow citizens are emigrating to Ukraine, where it’s safer, or Russia, where they have more freedoms, or Mexico, which is empty now all the Mexicans moved here to take our jobs and make us eat frijoles. Too bad you won’t be able to read this warning, because the censors at the government/social media will block this post.

And I want to help, so I keep checking these letters and e-mails for the next steps, other than sending money. (BY MIDNIGHT!!!) But there are no next steps, not for me and not for the people who desperately need my continuing support. I know they’re going to save America from all the evil threats, but how?

Sadly, I can’t find the answer in these letters. I know what they’re against, I know they need my donation—by midnight—but that’s it. I keep looking, but I can’t find any concrete action plans.

Yes, I know the world is complex and any action plan requires a long explanation, so it’s not easy to summarize these plans in one letter, even when the letter is eight pages long and single spaced. But if they can spend four paragraphs on their LOVE OF FAMILY and RULE OF LAW and LE DELUGE, they could give just a few details about their ACTUAL PLAN!!!

I guess I’ll just have to take it on faith that they have a plan to save America from the monsters who are trying to destroy us. I only hope I can get them their money fast enough (BY MIDNIGHT!!!) and avert catastrophe.

Failure is not an option here. The future of the nation is in my hands. Wish me luck.

Of course, I'd also like you to wish me more readership by subscribing here to Dad Writes. But you must respond BY MIDNIGHT!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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