Covid saves Halloween

Finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, a Halloween worthy of celebration. Even the darkest of clouds has a silver lining and this infernal pandemic is giving us a reason to celebrate at last.
 
Regular readers know that I’m a true expert on Halloween, especially when it comes to techniques for getting the best candy with the least aggravation. It’s a game for chess masters as parents strategize the optimal routes for their children and try to psych out their neighbors to score full-size Snickers in exchange for a roll of Smarties.
 
Not so this year, though. With social distancing and hygiene concerns, millions of kids are giving up on the idea of standing six feet apart to wait for a Junior Mint that mom will insist on sterilizing in the microwave. Millions of people are standing in line for hours to cast their ballots this year, but how long is anyone really going to wait for some Candy Corn?
 
Huzzah!!!
 
Finally, on a holiday that’s really about the parents, we can celebrate without guilt and without all the craziness. With so many families opting out of the traditional tricking and treating, it’s a breeze to follow our simple guide to Halloween bliss.
 

1. Buy all the candy that you like, and only candy that you like, because you’ll still have all of it at the end of the evening. No worries about getting stuck with a bunch of popcorn balls or, worse, some homemade tofu concoction from the Wiccan Vegans next door. Paradise found.
2. Finally master that porch camera that you bought from the teenage clerk at Best Buy, so you can advise trick or treaters that you cannot open the door due to Covid. Offer to throw some Mary Janes down to them from the second floor window, but don’t expect them to wait around in excited anticipation.
3. Instead of dressing up your kids and schlepping them to the aunts and uncles and grandparents, just set up a Zoom call. Take photos of your kids in all their costumes from the past ten years and use those as your backgrounds. If you’ve been too cheap to change their costumes in the past decade, just Photoshop something off Instagram.
4. Don’t bother getting dressed up in the spirit of the day, since you won’t be face-to-face with the hobgoblins anyway. Whether you’re responding to a Face Time call or the security camera on the front porch, it’s absolutely acceptable to wear pajamas, or worse.
5. If any trick-or-treaters insist they’re not leaving until they get their candy, or some figgy pudding, just take their info and promise to send them their treats via Instacart. I think they have a free delivery day coming up in a few weeks, so it won’t cost much.
6. Avoid interruptions altogether by simply putting a bucket of candy on the front stoop, along with a note that the doorbell is broken and each person should take one piece. Pour some pancake syrup on the candy first, though, to discourage the kids from taking too much. It’s possible the cops will stop by to check out that “foreign substance,” but that’s probably the only interruption you’ll have all night.

 
Of course, there’s no risk this year if you simply put a sign on the door to announce that you aren’t giving any candy. After the panic buying and shortages in March, most parents I know are keeping their soap and toilet paper locked up, so you’re safe.
 
Isn’t this the holiday you’ve always wanted anyway? Just you, a big bowl of candy and, well, what else do you really need? Halloween should always be this way, even if we’re not lucky enough to have a pandemic next year.
 
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