Dad Writes
  • Home | Dad Writes
  • What's Your Story?
  • Fun is Good!
  • Blog
  • Subscribe

Covid saves Halloween

10/18/2020

1 Comment

 
Picture

Finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, a Halloween worthy of celebration. Even the darkest of clouds has a silver lining and this infernal pandemic is giving us a reason to celebrate at last.
 
Regular readers know that I’m a true expert on Halloween, especially when it comes to techniques for getting the best candy with the least aggravation. It’s a game for chess masters as parents strategize the optimal routes for their children and try to psych out their neighbors to score full-size Snickers in exchange for a roll of Smarties.
 
Not so this year, though. With social distancing and hygiene concerns, millions of kids are giving up on the idea of standing six feet apart to wait for a Junior Mint that mom will insist on sterilizing in the microwave. Millions of people are standing in line for hours to cast their ballots this year, but how long is anyone really going to wait for some Candy Corn?
 
Huzzah!!!
 
Finally, on a holiday that’s really about the parents, we can celebrate without guilt and without all the craziness. With so many families opting out of the traditional tricking and treating, it’s a breeze to follow our simple guide to Halloween bliss.
 
  1. Buy all the candy that you like, and only candy that you like, because you’ll still have all of it at the end of the evening. No worries about getting stuck with a bunch of popcorn balls or, worse, some homemade tofu concoction from the Wiccan Vegans next door. Paradise found.
  2. Finally master that porch camera that you bought from the teenage clerk at Best Buy, so you can advise trick or treaters that you cannot open the door due to Covid. Offer to throw some Mary Janes down to them from the second floor window, but don’t expect them to wait around in excited anticipation.
  3. Instead of dressing up your kids and schlepping them to the aunts and uncles and grandparents, just set up a Zoom call. Take photos of your kids in all their costumes from the past ten years and use those as your backgrounds. If you’ve been too cheap to change their costumes in the past decade, just Photoshop something off Instagram.
  4. Don’t bother getting dressed up in the spirit of the day, since you won’t be face-to-face with the hobgoblins anyway. Whether you’re responding to a Face Time call or the security camera on the front porch, it’s absolutely acceptable to wear pajamas, or worse.
  5. If any trick-or-treaters insist they’re not leaving until they get their candy, or some figgy pudding, just take their info and promise to send them their treats via Instacart. I think they have a free delivery day coming up in a few weeks, so it won’t cost much.
  6. Avoid interruptions altogether by simply putting a bucket of candy on the front stoop, along with a note that the doorbell is broken and each person should take one piece. Pour some pancake syrup on the candy first, though, to discourage the kids from taking too much. It’s possible the cops will stop by to check out that “foreign substance,” but that’s probably the only interruption you’ll have all night.
 
Of course, there’s no risk this year if you simply put a sign on the door to announce that you aren’t giving any candy. After the panic buying and shortages in March, most parents I know are keeping their soap and toilet paper locked up, so you’re safe.
 
Isn’t this the holiday you’ve always wanted anyway? Just you, a big bowl of candy and, well, what else do you really need? Halloween should always be this way, even if we’re not lucky enough to have a pandemic next year.
 
What great insights will we offer for Thanksgiving and Christmas? You'll never know unless you subscribe by clicking right here right now. 
 
 

1 Comment
David Brimm
10/19/2020 02:36:57 pm

Michael: we do the opposite. We buy candy that we hate. That way we won't be tempted to eat it. Then we toss it.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Who writes this stuff?

    Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him. 

    Archives

    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018

    Categories

    All
    Aging Gracelessly
    Coronavirus
    Dadstuff
    Holidays
    Humorish
    Lessons Learned
    Life=Biz=Life=Biz
    Stories From Life
    Why Is That?

    RSS Feed

Website by RyTech, LLC
  • Home | Dad Writes
  • What's Your Story?
  • Fun is Good!
  • Blog
  • Subscribe