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CV Diary, Part 12: Choose Life…and frequent flier miles

5/31/2020

5 Comments

 
Picture

 So I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I have decided, with only minor regret, that I will not be sacrificing myself in order to reopen the economy. It’s been a tough decision to make, especially when I consider the indisputable arguments in favor of my death from the virus.
 
My friends on the internet have explained it to me in detail, of course. I am old, past my prime, in that age group where I’m gonna die from something or other, and what do I have to live for anyway? It's my patriotic duty, they say, to dive into the mosh pit and let the chips fall, well, on me.
 
From an economic standpoint, they explain, I am absolutely “unproductive,” and therefore expendable. Yes, I worked diligently and produced income and jobs over 40 years, raising good kids, consuming goods, and hoisting Old Glory on every national holiday. But that was then and now is now and what the heck have I done for you lately, America?
 
Nothing, that’s what. Yeah, I mentor startups and give to charity and provide support to people who need it and, once in a while, I even remember to floss. Mostly, though, I’m a leech who sucks on the teat of retirement savings. Worse, I’m getting dangerously close to signing up for the welfare scam known as Social Security. Sure, the government forced me to pay into the system, but they never intended to actually pay the money back. The only way to keep Social Security solvent is for people like me to just croak a few decades early. Problem. Solved.
 
My internet friends challenge me daily. Don't I want my children and grandchildren to live in a nation with a thriving economy? Yes, yes I do. I want them to be able to go to fancy restaurants and movie theaters whenever they want. Of course, I know they won't want to do any of that, preferring to sit on the couch while they stream their movies enjoy pizza delivery. Still, I want them to have the choice to do or do not.
 
Still, from a completely selfish perspective, I should make the sacrifice in order to be a hero to all the people who are demanding that I shuffle off in order to create jobs. I know that these people, who are just too busy and productive to volunteer to sacrifice themselves, will thank me for my service and honor my memory in much the same way they have honored the other 100,000 people who preceded me. (Fun fact: When I started fiddling with this post, the number was 50,000. How time flies.)
 
So, as I said, I’ve given this whole thing a lot of thought, but then it occurred to me that this isn’t a zero-sum game. If I get infected and croak, that doesn’t magically prevent it from happening to someone else. In fact, I am likely to spread the virus to several someones on my way out. Even worse, I might take out one of those productive members of society that we need to protect.
 
Worst of all, though, I have it on good authority that this whole pandemic didn’t come from China at all.  CV-19 was cooked up in a Denver warehouse where airlines once made food to serve on planes and now produce…nothing. Turns out the whole disease is a plot to keep us from using our frequent flier miles. (You can tell this is true because you just read it on the internet.)
 
Damn you, United, you almost had me. You can get my miles back when you pry them from my cold, dead account. And that, as I said, is going to be later than you hoped.
 
Meanwhile, there are a couple of slices of cold pizza calling to me from the refrigerator. Who says I have nothing to live for????
 
Don’t you want to know what kind of pizza is in the refrigerator, and whether there’s also some leftover egg foo young? Of course you do, and you can find out all of these things by clicking here to subscribe to our weekly updates.
 
 

5 Comments
Larry J. Clark
5/31/2020 02:19:07 pm

"Meanwhile, there are a couple of slices of cold pizza calling to me from the refrigerator."

...So you can even stretch things out a bit with the pizza: Cold? Reheat? Cold? Reheat?

Reply
Dad Writes
5/31/2020 02:58:10 pm

Actually, you can only reheat pizza once. Chinese food can be reheated at least twice, which makes it the safest choice when you are over-ordering.

Reply
Carlo
6/1/2020 09:16:24 am

Since I'm not ready, "to dive into the mosh pit and let the chips fall, well, on me." I'm old enough to remember life imitating the movies so I am going to leave this here to contemplate the philosophical virtue of die all you olé farts, lol! https://youtu.be/USADM5Gk9Gs

In the year 2274, young residents enjoy an idyllic, hedonistic lifestyle within the protective confines of a domed city. The general belief is that when each person turns 30, they are reincarnated for another blissful life cycle. Those who know the much darker truth become "runners" and flee to a hidden sanctuary. When law enforcement officer Logan (Michael York) goes undercover to locate the refuge, he winds up instead trying to initiate a revolution with runner Jessica (Jenny Agutter).

Reply
Dad Writes
6/1/2020 12:50:40 pm

Hard to believe how long movie trailers were back then. I think two of my books were shorter, although not nearly as ominous. Thanks for sharing.

Reply
David Brimm
6/8/2020 10:50:46 am

Nice thoughts Michael. A very timely column.

Reply



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    Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him. 

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