Don't call me the S-word

The real key to a long life, wearing out my Fitbit, and a few new rules that you won’t hear about on Bill Maher’s show, among the lessons learned this week...

1. We need a new rule that you are prohibited from writing a guide to parenthood until your own kids graduate, get jobs, move out, support themselves (legally) and are still willing to talk to you. Otherwise, you sound like one of those daredevils whose last words are, “Watch this.”
2. There are two times in your life when people will call you a young man. The first is when you're a teenager getting lectured, and later, when people think you are really, really, really, really, really old. I am dreading the day when someone calls me spry.
3. My favorite aerobic exercise is walking into the kitchen and forgetting why I am there, then walking back to the last room I was in so I can look for clues about why I went to the kitchen. Last weekend, I retraced my steps so many times that my Fitbit melted.
4. I needed some new pants, but I decided to wait until I lost some weight. But now that I lost some weight, I don't want to get new pants, because they won't fit if I gain back the weight I lost.  How many retail stores will go out of business while I am making up my mind?
5. I’ve discovered that the key to a long life is not to inhale and exhale. It’s to exhale and inhale.
6. Do people still collect stamps and coins and baseball cards and Beanie Babies? Because I have a ton of verrrry valuable items I might be willing to part with for the right price.
7. We need a rule that you cannot call something a comedy if it includes child molesting, rape or incest. Adding adjectives like “black,” “tragic” or “dark” to the description doesn’t change things. I'll make an exception for Book of Mormon, but that's the only one.
8. Book titles are increasing in length at an alarming rate. I ended up with 16 words for Six Tires, No Plan,  but more recent titles are long enough to qualify as manifestos. We need a new rule: After you get more than 30 words on the cover, whatever is inside is categorized as a sequel.