Emmy voters will snub the most deserving...again

In a travesty that is repeated every year without fail, the television industry will bestow its Emmy Awards on Sunday without a single acknowledgement of the most deserving performers in the entertainment industry. I’m calling for a boycott of the event until its leaders atone for this transgression.
 
Of course, people who tune in can expect the usual bad jokes and awkward acceptance speeches from this weekend's telecast. We’ll see clips from shows we never got around to streaming and all kinds of virtue signaling from the woke allies in show business, along with the requisite memorials for the stars who departed since Emmy last.
 
Conspicuously absent, though, will be much deserved recognition for the finest actors, choreographers, singers, dancers and other artists of the small screen. When will the Academy bestow its honors on the people who deserve awards the most?
 
Which people? Glad you asked. Here are the new awards they should add immediately to this year's show:

1. Best adaptation of an iconic rock ballad to sell drugs for cholesterol, age spots, or opioid induced constipation.   (Does iTunes take returns?)
   
   
2. Best casting of people who think a Chevy and a Mercedes are the same car. (Omigod, the Cruze has four tires, too???)
   
   
3. Best choreography for people dancing through the park and high-fiving strangers after filling their prescriptions. (Cannabis, we presume?)
   
   
4. Best set design for erectile dysfunction ads, including most creative use of a football and tire swing. (Hmmm…what are they trying to say here?)
   
   
5. Most humiliating performance by an aging idol who gets paired with a cartoon character to sell insurance. (Just to be clear, it’s often more humiliating for the cartoon character than for the aging idol.)
   
   
6. Best dramatic performance by a woman in a furniture store ad who seems to achieve sexual release as she says, “and a free love seat!!!!” (I’ll have what she’s having.)
   
   
7. Most calming explanation of lethal, fatal, and otherwise deadly drug side effects. (Don’t worry, your results may vary.)
   
   
8. Best Abraham Lincoln impersonation for a mattress store. (Seriously, when Abe says his greatest achievement was invention of the box spring, it brings tears to my eyes.)
   
   
9. Best Actor in a commercial where a grandfather has to explain his asthma medicine to his grandchild. (There should also be a Best Supporting Actor award for the kid who has to keep a straight face while gramps whines about his asthma.)
   
   
10. Best portrayal of a woman who is overjoyed that her 80-year-old husband can get it up again. (Sorry, dear, I’ll be out grocery shopping for the next four hours.)

 
These are the performances that deserve the highest accolades of the profession. Anyone can do a good job with a solid script and good direction, but only the truly great can make us lose sleep over their zits. Join our boycott and let’s ensure that they get the credit they deserve.
 
 
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