For total surrender, press two

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Lots of strange thoughts pop into my head while I’m listening carefully to the menu options that have changed. Submitted this week for your consideration…

1. I just got a phone call from a 500-pound gorilla. He says he's fed up with the fat shaming and the next guy who mentions his weight is going to get stomped.
2. I was just digging into my to-do pile and found a story from 2014 (don't judge me) about the level of political division on social media. Ah, those really were the good old days.
3. Overheard on the street: “My husband has children but I don’t.” Doesn’t that make you feel really bad for those kids?
4. One big problem with studying to be a suicide bomber is that the class reunions are so small.
5. The only people we should be allowed to mock online are the Amish, since they won’t be reading it and they won’t be offended. (Unless you think this was a terribly insensitive statement, in which case I was hacked.)
6. Whenever I fly over a city, I wonder why they put it at that specific site. Yeah, it's on the river, but why at that particular spot? Was there a strategy, or is this just where the mule died?
7. I’m always intrigued when I drive past a deer crossing. Deer can read? 
8. My friends are so nice that they always sugarcoat it when I ask them to critique my work. I really need to befriend a sadist or two.

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