Half of America belongs to our new religion

I ended up owing a bunch of money for taxes earlier this year and I’ve been looking for a way to reduce my burden going forward. Of course, the stock market has been helping quite a bit lately, nearly guaranteeing that I’ll never pay a capital gains tax again.

Still, I need something more certain than a stock market collapse to cut my tax bill forever and I think I’ve found the perfect venue. I’m starting a new religion, the Church of Eternal Victimhood, and I hereby declare that everything about me is tax exempt from this day forward.

I know what you’re thinking. It cannot be that easy or everyone would do it. Well, that’s what I thought, too, but the framers of the Constitution clearly wanted everyone to be free to create their own faith and the framers of the tax code absolutely insist that all true faiths be unburdened by taxes. Who am I to rock the boat by complicating things?

All you really need to form a new religion—and appease the Internal Revenue Service—is a set of beliefs that define your faith. Done and done. Here at the Church of Eternal Victimhood, we recognize that each individual is unique and precious and deserving of special care from the Supernatural Spirit that Guides our Path.

We even have a Statement of Faith to show we’re serious about this whole thing; not quite 95 Theses, but enough to claim our status among untaxed. At the Church of Eternal Victimhood, our faith is powerful and unshakeable:

1. I believe in the rule of law, unless one of my friends is arrested.
   
2. I believe in free speech for everyone who agrees with me.
   
3. I believe in keeping government out of business decisions, except for any decision that limits my freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want on their property.
4. I believe schools should teach facts, not theories, but only the facts I want somebody else’s kids to learn.
5. I believe in majority rule, unless my side loses.
   
6. I believe any judge whose rulings don’t reflect my learned interpretation of the law is an activist who should be impeached.
   
7. I believe in following the established science, unless I uncover even better new science on the internet.
   
8. I believe we need to rebuild our manufacturing base, improve education, clean up the environment, fix the infrastructure, balance the budget and eliminate the federal debt, as long as I don’t have to pay anything or make any effort or suffer any inconvenience to achieve these goals.
   
9. Whatever the problem is, I believe that someone else is at fault, someone else should fix it, someone else should pay for it, and someone else should be canceled/fired/deported/killed as a result.
   
10. I believe typing a comment on social media to demand a solution is the equivalent of actually doing something to make things better, so my work here is done and I deserve a vacation.
    

Based on our excursions into social media, it’s clear that our new faith already includes millions of followers who share these beliefs. Unfortunately, almost all of them are lost souls who mistakenly assume these tenets apply to them when they really apply only to me.

Still, showing people the error of their ways is one of our most important missions at the Church of Eternal Victimhood. As soon as they donate to our new church, we are ready to inform them that they have made a big, big mistake.

Usually, we ask people to click here to subscribe when they’re done reading our posts. This week, though, we encourage everyone to join our new church and send us alms and tithes and bearer bonds to show your faith is true. Amen.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

---