Happy, even without the $1,000,000 pizza

All my friends have been wishing me a happy new year, but it’s pretty clear they don’t really mean it. Let’s face facts here. If they really wanted me to have a happy new year, they’d have sent me a million dollars and a pizza.

Ignore those glad-handers, though, because the folks at Dad Writes are sincere about this whole “happy” new year thing. That’s why we sent $1 million and a pizza to everyone who solved our super-secret, invisible riddle before midnight on December 31. And, for all of you losers who didn’t make the cut, we’ve put together a consolation prize, our guide to How to Have a Happy New Year Even if You Don’t Have $1,000,000 and a Pizza. Starting with…

1. Eavesdrop on strangers. Yes, I know, everyone told you it’s impolite to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, but it’s allowed for Dad Writes subscribers. Whether you’re on a bus, waiting in line at Starbucks, or even watching the clothes dry at the laundromat, check out the conversation a few feet yonder. If they’re talking about a real tragedy, you can walk away feeling lucky about your own life. If they’re engrossed with nits, you can exit feeling both morally and intellectually superior. In either case, you can happily leave their issues behind.
   
   
2. Have a conversation. We don’t have a lot of conversations anymore, but we have a ton of debates. It’s such a joy, though, to actually exchange ideas and memories and goals with another human being. Even better, replacing debates with conversations is guaranteed to add 14 years to your life expectancy. (If you die sooner, be sure to download and sign our claim form for a full refund.)
   
   
3. Walk outside without a phone. Heresy, I know, but give it a try. It turns out there are all kinds of things to see and plenty of strangers for eavesdropping in the great wide open. Even better, everything is in 3D, so it’s just like the Metaverse, but without the goofy goggles.
   
   
4. Make a list of at least 20 important resolutions. Write down the most critical, serious, life-changing goals you can think of for your life. Re-read the list at least 100 times. Then burn it. Not gonna happen anyway, so why torture yourself by keeping a list?
   
   
5. Ignore politics. This is tough, I know, because everything is about politics these days, but give it a shot. Don’t read anything about politics, politicians, or their daily airings of grievances. Unlike the people who actually operate businesses and charities and, yes, government agencies, politicians only succeed by making you unhappy enough to send them money. Their failure will increase your happiness while helping you save more for retirement.
   
   

And, finally, the big one. Whenever you read something, hear something, or see something, whenever someone shares an opinion or an insight or a fact that might or might not be a fact at all, ask yourself the most important question for a happy new year:

Does this really have anything to do with my life?

Spoiler alert: Roughly 99.9999999% of the time, the answer will be ‘no’ and you can continue on your merry way, enjoying a truly happy new year. Not quite as happy as it would have been with $1 million and a pizza, but happy nonetheless.

Of course, the most important key to happiness in 2023, or any year, is to click here to subscribe to Dad Writes.

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