I Used To Be A Contender
What would you think if I told you I was an internationally recognized philanthropist? Or, maybe, an award-winning author? What if I described myself as a private investor or a business mentor?
And what would you think if I simply said I’m retired and I left it at that?
It’s pretty easy to put people into boxes, reacting to the first descriptors used to define their place in the world. Snap judgments are hard-wired into our survival instincts, which is a great benefit when a lion walks into the kitchen, but not quite as valuable when we’re trading factoids at a cocktail party. (Cocktail parties! Remember those? Sigh.)
Most of us add new descriptions to our social resume as we progress through life, engage with family, navigate a career and become whoever it is we plan to be when we grow up. All these new identities and new milestones provide depth and texture to us, to our personalities, and to our social capital. They make us more interesting and more complete, if we take the time to learn anything on our journeys.
And then, just as we become our most multifaceted and fully developed selves, we give up. We start talking about ourselves in the past tense, as if we’re drafting our obituaries.
I’m a former accountant.
I used to be a sales rep.
I was once a teacher.
I find it just a bit depressing. Everyone has an interesting story or two about their well-earned scars, and everyone is doing something today, yesterday, tomorrow, that forms the nucleus of a new adventure. Despite that rich tapestry, so many people I meet will announce that they’ve given up on being interesting, that all they have to offer of relevance is a job they held. Once. A long time ago.
It’s as if there’s nothing we have to offer the world other than our labor and some form of industry expertise. We are our jobs and, when we leave our jobs, we are nothing. Our only claim to relevance is an expired key card from the law firm and, maybe, a part-time gig as a “consultant.”
Perhaps it’s my own fault. I still ask people what they do and that generates a default response about how they make, or made, money. I need to get more creative about my introductory conversations. Maybe things will get more interesting if I ask…
What was your favorite trip ever?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen face to face?
What’s the strangest answer you’ve ever received when you asked someone what they do for a living?
One of the positives with questions like these is that I’m unlikely to hear about work. That’s good, because I really don’t want to know about their jobs, or their former jobs, or why they think of themselves as has-beens. “What do you do?” turns out to be a conversation stopper, not a starter, especially when it turns into what someone doesn’t do anymore.
Asking people what they do is pretty pointless and likely to make them feel bad about their former glory. If I want better answers, I had better come up with some better questions.
The big question we’re all asking at Dad Writes is whether you’ll become a subscriber by clicking here for our weekly insights. So, whaddaya say?
10/11/2020 03:47:06 pm
Great post, Michael. I've noticed that if one responds to the question "what do you do?" with "I'm retired", the other person will frequently ask, "what did you do before?" as if you're chopped liver now. A better follow up might be, "how did you come to that decision?"
10/11/2020 06:52:04 pm
Thanks. On the positive side, a normal retirement will feel a lot better than a pandemic sidelining. So we've got that going for us.
10/11/2020 04:20:23 pm
10/11/2020 06:53:00 pm
That's because you aren't retired. BTW, give me a call to discuss our next business venture. Really a great idea until we start fiddling with it.
10/11/2020 05:58:14 pm
The progression that should be avoided is going from VIP--Very Important Person, to PIP--Previously Important Person, to PIA--Pain In the A**.
10/11/2020 06:53:57 pm
We're trying to delay the progression from VIP to PIP to RIP. Wish us luck.
10/11/2020 06:24:55 pm
So I guess I'm O.K. when I describe myself as the "un-paid manager of a residence club for two cats".
10/11/2020 06:56:55 pm
I think you should just say you run a feline conservatory, like in Tiger King, but without as many murders.
10/11/2020 11:06:18 pm
Michael, you are SUCH a good writer. Paul and I just read three columns in a row. I tend to do that instead of reading one each time. Boy, every one of these is so on point, so great to read, so familiar. You are a real pleasure to read.
10/11/2020 11:59:00 pm
My favorite trip? It had to be when I tripped over a traffic cone outside of Wrigley Field and separated the ring finger on my right hand. But it was a playoff game that the Cubs won against the SF Giants so it did not hurt very much.
10/12/2020 09:42:51 am
Leave a Reply.
Who writes this stuff?
Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.