It would have been much worse, we hope

Let’s all hope that it would have been much, much worse, plus a few additions to the endangered species list, as we continue psychoanalyzing our favorite patient this week…

1. When something goes wrong, I know a lot of people who think things would have gone better if they had done things differently. Not me, though. I like to think things would have been even worse if I had been dumb enough to zig instead of zag. Nobody has a clue, of course, and there’s no way to change things in hindsight, but I probably feel better about my choices than they do.
   
   
2. There are drivers and passengers, and I am absolutely a driver. I adjust the seat and the mirrors in the car, of course, but I also reorganize the placement of the salt and pepper at the restaurant, move my seat, move the table, and mark any typos on the menu. When we're about to take off, i envision one of those movie situations where the pilots pass out and i must run forward to fly the plane. Make a note for yourself never to fly with me.
   
   
3. One of my great pleasures in life is laughing at myself, a hobby that offers an endless stream of enjoyment. Two major benefits are that I’m always close to the source of my mirth and I’m pretty much invulnerable to criticism from other people, since I got the joke first.
   
   
4. While we’re all connecting via Zoom and FaceTime and other technical workarounds, we’re also missing a good part of the conversation. So much of our communication is tied up in physical signals, hand movements, posture, eye darts…all of which are meaningful when we’re face to face but missed when we’re just talking heads on a screen. It’s not as deficient as texting, but it’s not nearly as complete a form of communication as many presume.
   
   
5. The problem with the endangered species list is that it only includes animals, but we’re more at risk if we lose some of our man-made institutions. Hot dog stands, Chinese restaurants, Greek diners, pay phones, bowling alleys…these are the treasures that deserve our intense preservation efforts.
   
   
6. When people ask me about retirement, I tell them it’s critical to know where you’re going to, not just what you’re leaving. The same thing is probably true for all the people who are making a dramatic statement as they leave their jobs. Most jobs are pretty crummy, which is why people demand payment in order to do them. Why do so many people think they’ll be happier at the next salt mine?
   
   
7. Here's how to make life a lot more pleasant for pretty much all of us. Stop asking for our account numbers that you won't be passing on to the next person we reach. Stop asking for the reason for the call when you can’t address the problem. Stop asking how you can help when you aren't authorized to do anything. Just stop.
   
   
8. For a long time, I thought the line at the drive-through got slower just because I was in it. I thought the price of gasoline was higher just because I needed to fill the tank. I thought it started raining simply because I took out the bicycle. Then I discovered I’m not that important and the world doesn’t revolve around me. I am so glad that the pressure is finally gone.
   
   
   

Of course, inflation is going to spike like crazy if you don’t click here to subscribe to our weekly tirades. If you fail to click and you’re paying more for turnips next month, that one’s on you.  
 
 
 
 
 

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