I was feeling pretty proud of myself when I told my trainer I had left some French fries on my plate four days in a row. Then he acted shocked and incredulous and amazed and otherwise uncalm as he demanded to know how often I ate French fries at all.
“Well, they come with the sandwich, so pretty much every day,” I answered, with the sudden realization that I was expected to feel guilty about this.
“Don’t you ever have a salad?” he asked in that tone you hear when a question is really an accusation.
And, no, I almost never do, for many good reasons.
First, I am an environmentalist (when it’s convenient or supports one of my rants) and the lettuce that goes into a salad is the most environmentally damaging food in the universe. On the scale of nutrition per dollar, lettuce is right behind a pizza delivery box.
Second, lettuce grows in fields, where animals frolic and poop and, need I mention, screw. Heads of lettuce are convenient support for randy rabbits who, as you know, enjoy coitus like rabbits, and you should be warned that the curved indentations in your arugula did not occur naturally. It is only safe to eat French fries because potatoes sport thick skins and have the decency to grow underground, where the fauna can’t reach them.
It’s not just lettuce that is suspect. Pretty much everything that grows just above the surface is plagued with animal excretions, along with skins so thin that anything can penetrate them. Compare that to your average steer, which has skin as tough as leather. And do you know why it’s as tough as leather? Exactly.
If we’re going to be honest about it, there is absolutely nothing good to be said for vegetables. Basically, they are a combination of indigestible fiber, water, and a handful of vitamins I can swallow in a pill before I finish my first cup of coffee. It’s trendy to say you like vegetables, but nobody really does. Brussels sprouts only became popular after chefs decided to cook them with bacon and blue cheese. Add enough bacon and blue cheese and they’d enjoy haggis, too.
Even the word vegetable is suspect, as it should be. If I was hit by the proverbial bus and, instead of dying, I was in a coma and unresponsive, would anyone say I was in a meatatative state? No, they would not. They would say I was in a vegetative state, which is one of the worst states to be in outside of Alabama.
While we’re on the subject of vocabulary, vegetables are often called “greens.” Do you know what else is green? Mold. Coincidence? I think not.
Another word to consider is “fertilizer,” which is a euphemism for manure. When animals are busy growing their fabulous meats, manure is a waste product that gets discarded. Sometimes, though, that manure gets sold, and do you know who buys it? Yep, vegetable farmers buy manure that they slather all over—and into—their crops before selling it to the rest of us. So-called “organic” farmers are the worst offenders, bragging about the “natural fertilizer” they use to poison us all.
With meat, the USDA has rules to keep the poop out. With vegetables, as they say, it’s a feature, not a glitch.
Finally, if you are what you eat and I am made of meat, it is almost a requirement that I should only eat meat. And some fat, so as not to upset the delicate balance within my bio-domain.
Man doesn’t live by meat alone, though, so it is acceptable to balance my diet with French fries, ideally cooked in animal fat. Bread is okay, but only the minimal amount required to transfer the meat from the plate. Ditto for pizza, which is nature’s delivery system for pepperoni.
Someday, the entire world will recognize the wisdom of my dietary insights and I will be lauded as a visionary.
In the meantime, are you going to finish those fries?
You remember when mom said you had to eat your vegetables? Don’t you feel betrayed now? We’re very sorry about that, but we’d like to make it up to you by offering a free subscription to this priceless blog. Just click right here and get ready for us to burst even more of your bubbles every week.
11/3/2019 12:51:20 pm
I know (hope!!) this is complete satire. Animal agriculture is responsible for more greenhouse gases than all modes of transportation combined. Additionally, the lack of fiber in the Standard American Diet (SAD) is greatly linked to the massive amount of disease and death plaguing so many people who follow the SAD compared to countries whose citizens do not.
11/5/2019 01:10:19 pm
According to the epa you are wrong. All agriculture accounts for 9% of greenhouse gases. Transportation is 29%, Electricity is 28%, Industry is 22%, and Commercial and Residential is 12%.
11/5/2019 01:17:25 pm
Correct, I know what the EPA says, but if you dig further, you'll realize that the entire lifecycle isn't being taken into account in those figures. When you factor in not just the emitted methane and CO2 from the animals, but look at everything that actually goes into the entire process of animal agriculture, you'll see where the numbers vary. Of course, either side could pick and choose what statistics they want to count in their arguments. Either way, it's a massive number, and it leads to an incredible amount of death and disease (and I'm not even referring just to the animals).
11/14/2019 10:05:13 am
Whaa-wha-wha! Sounds like someone’s Mommy beat them with a wire coat hanger when the were little! And Mommy was composed mostly of what, meat? Problem solved, and, there, I just saved you a bundle in therapist fees. You’re welcome…
11/14/2019 11:06:36 am
Thanks for your help, although they were wooden hangers.
11/3/2019 12:59:06 pm
Vegetables can also be downright dangerous. As a teenager, I was working in the produce department of a Jewel food store and I fractured a bone in my right hand when I tripped over a crate of cauliflower.
11/5/2019 03:13:30 pm
11/4/2019 10:00:30 am
Michael...this was laugh out loud material! How come I never knew you were so funny and on point when we were growing up???
11/5/2019 03:14:54 pm
I was so busy watching your color television that I couldn't be distracted by conversation.
11/4/2019 10:22:43 am
I'll take French fries over salads every time. Stay French fry strong.
11/5/2019 03:16:04 pm
You are a true American hero.
11/15/2019 06:08:32 pm
They get all upset about cow farts and methane. Just to get the record straight, the greatest producers of methane are not animals, it’s insects. Termites to be specific.
11/15/2019 06:51:47 pm
It's certainly accurate and well-documented that termites produce an enormous amount of methane. It's unknown if they produce more than cow's because many of the published studies grossly underestimated the amount of cows in the world, possibly counting up to only half.
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Who writes this stuff?
Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.