Never say “win-win,” but “wheel cover” is cool

It’s usually a bad idea to get behind me at the teller window, but it’s essential that you watch my favorite TV shows right away, as we explain below…


1.      I check the freshness dates when I buy groceries, but they really should be more detailed than simply saying “best by” some date. I need usable insights like,
     November 28: Still fresh
     December 23: Getting a bit dicey
     January 17: Feeling lucky, punk?

2.     Speaking of which, my new shower door has a warning to avoid cleaning it with “harsh chemicals,” but I have no idea what that means. I suspect this is one of those questions that won’t get answered until it’s too late.

3.     I washed my car, which caused it to rain. I got in line at the bank, which caused it to stop moving. I found a new favorite TV show, which suddenly got canceled. It turns out I’m very powerful, but for the wrong reasons.

4.     Whenever somehow claims, “It’s absolutely a win-win,” I hear God saying, “Challenge accepted.” 

5.     “Wheel cover” sounds so much more elegant than “hubcap.” It’s like when people say flatulence or halitosis.

6.     It’s amazing how many times we say things that absolutely cannot be true, like:

•      “I gave it 110%.” 
•      “It’s 300% cheaper.”
•      “I literally died.”
•      “I had no choice.”
•      “It was a mutual decision.”

7.     Every thought I have ever had, every pain, every joy, every tear, every disappointment, every surprise, every dream, has been preparing me for this moment. I really wish I had taken better notes.

8.     I’m always amused by people who wish they had lived in a palace in Tsarist Russia. Of course, they think they would have been royals, not stable boys, and they also forget how it all ended for the Romanovs. 
 
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