Not Algerian, not quite American, so far

My Lyft driver says he’s a man without a country. He immigrated from Algeria four years ago, so he can’t really think of himself as Algerian anymore, but he wasn’t born here and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel like he’s really an American.

I’m sure he’s not alone. Most of my five-minute chauffeurs are from somewhere else, if their accents and sense of geography are any guide, and it must be difficult to adapt to terra incognita. Fortunately, he had the perfect passenger to explain it all, offering these surefire insights for becoming so American you forget there are any other countries:

1. Forget there are any other countries. Yeah, more than 7 billion people are dumb enough to live someplace else, but if they were worth thinking about, they’d live here. Heck, there are two continents with 35 countries where people could call themselves “Americans,” but they don’t, because we’re the only ones who count.
2. Buy lots of guns. My Lyft driver doesn’t like guns and he didn’t want to buy any, but that’s why he’ll always be a loser. We’re only free because we have more guns than people and anyone who fails to buy at least five guns should find somewhere else to live. (Are there other places to live? See item 1.) 
3. Manage your anger. We’re angry about everything all the time and, honestly, we need to work harder at it. We need to manage our anger until it’s the size of a mushroom cloud, or else we should find someplace else to live. (Are there other places to live? See item 1.) 
4. Blame Everyone. Whether it’s some idiot who should find another place to live (See item 1.) or a waiter asking if you want fries with that, they're what’s wrong with America, wrong with the world, and we’d all be better off if they weren’t here.
   
5. Reject Blame. Nothing is my fault and I’m not responsible for anyone else’s problems. In fact, I’m the real victim here. Accepting blame is what people do when they’ve done something wrong and I am blameless, so it can’t apply to me.
   
6. Reject Copernicus. Everyone thought Earth was the center of the universe until Copernicus decided our planet revolves around the sun, but he was really stupid. Everyone should know the universe revolves around you and only you. Your problems are the most important, your needs the most urgent, and other people only exist to deliver your pizza. 
7. Know better. What’s the point of being the center of the universe if you aren’t the smartest guy in the room? Just kidding. You’re an American, so you absolutely are the smartest guy in the room, even if it includes other Americans, because you have access to that special news site that provides the REAL TRUTH and it’s been verified by a friend of a friend of your cousin’s barber.
8. Declare independence. We’re the land of rugged individualists, people who pull themselves up by the bootstraps, and we all live by the Code of the West. We expect drivers to watch out for us while we’re checking our texts and we want some underpaid tech in Bangalore to save us when we get hacked, but we’re tough and rugged and we don’t need nobody, never, no way, no how.
   
9. Do drugs. And by “drugs,” we’re not talking that crud you buy on the street at midnight from some dude with a runny nose. No, we mean good old American drugs, the kind Big Pharma developed so you won’t have to suffer from your bad decisions. Whether you sat on the couch and gained 50 pounds or you melted your liver with Malort, Mama Pfizer is here to make it all better.
10. COMPLAIN!!!! Wages are up, the stock market is up, inflation is down, interest rates have peaked, anybody who wants a job can get one, we’re outperforming everyone, including China, on almost every metric…and we are so damned miserable they need to set up a crisis hotline for every single one of us. More than 7 billion people look at us and wonder how we could be such whiny little babies and they ridicule us non-stop, and they’re absolutely correct, but See Item 1.
    

Turns out, it’s actually very easy to be a true American. Once you’re the center of the universe and the smartest guy in the room and you’ve got Big Pharma in your corner, everything kinda falls into place. Too bad my Lyft driver won’t benefit from all this incredible wisdom, though. I got out of the car after I’d only given him a few hints. He’ll never make it here, so I hope he’s smart enough to run back to Albania or Andorra or Aardvarkia or wherever he was from. I’d look it up, but I’m an American.

Next time you’re doing that rideshare thing, offer this great advice to the driver. They’ll be very grateful and want to click here to subscribe.