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Options not included...yet

9/16/2018

7 Comments

 

We finally decided to get a second car after living as a one-car household for more than five years, diving deeply into the brave new world of computers perched on radial tires. Ten months later, I am almost done with the owner’s manual and, maybe, I will be ready to drive this thing before the lease runs out.
 
As you might expect, the car has sensors that beep when someone is walking behind the car or when we’re getting too close to the car in front of us, when there’s something in our blind spot and when we’re about to hit a shopping cart in the parking lot. All the new technology is very cool, and very, very noisy.

Still, most of these features fall into the category of nice-to-have, not essential. What I really need isn’t in the car, yet, but the automaker who delivers on my must-haves will earn a customer for life. For instance, I absolutely need…
 
  • A transmitter that is activated when my sensors detect a person walking across the street, against the light, staring into a cellphone. My transmitter would light up the pedestrian’s cell phone with an image of my car rolling up on them, so the last thing they ever see is the thing they should have seen in order to make it not be the last thing they ever saw.
  • Remote-control parking assist for the Uber driver who’s weaving across two lanes at three miles per hour, trying to figure out whether the people with suitcases who are waving to him frantically are, in fact, his airport fare. I would do him and everyone else the service of getting his car parked safely and re-opening the street for the rest of us.
  • A texting app that sends extremely crude photos into the text stream of the guy who’s still stopped at the green light, sending what must be an urgent message to Domino’s. And, at the end of slipping that text onto the offender’s screen, my app forwards it to his contact list.
  • Accelerator engagement for the guy going half the limit in the express lane. If my car can slow down automatically when I get too close to the car ahead of me, why can’t I force those dawdlers to move faster? I spend way too much time behind drivers who really, really don’t want to get to their destinations.
  • Ejector seats. Yes, you can only use it once and it costs a ton to replace it, but aren’t there times when you’re stuck in traffic for 11 hours and you’re hearing the same story for the 19th time and it would be so, so worth it?
  • Montana license plates that drop down over my Illinois plates whenever my airbags are deployed. Really, I have to explain this one?

Beyond these innovative accessories, consumers will clamor for my soon-to-be-patented water cannons and poop blasters. This is a gold mine for the first car company to compensate me for my brilliance.

​The biggest problem with technology is that it’s developed by people who don’t get out much. Spend enough years on the road with crazy people, though, and the horizons expand astronomically.
 


7 Comments
Patty Kent link
9/16/2018 11:12:42 am

Too funny!!! I totally identify with all of the above. I will be the first to purchase all of these necessary innovations, as soon as they are avail.

In the meantime, drive defensively/offensively. 😉😊

Reply
Sue
9/16/2018 04:10:45 pm

Annoyance and impatience often breed phenomenal invention, or in your case, Michael, very funny posts! What you're after is a George Jetson - James Bond hybrid car, equipped to blast idiots on the road, and then make a quick, aerial getaway!

Reply
Michael Rosenbaum
10/4/2018 03:21:20 pm

I had hoped for a way to escape by air, but people tell me I drone on too much already.

Reply
David Brimm
9/17/2018 09:54:16 am

Michael; Let know when those options are available. I'll be on board. BTW, I like what you're doing with your blog. You've found your "voice."

Reply
Michael Rosenbaum
9/22/2018 01:55:11 pm

Thanks. Did your automated gas pump ever get its patents?

Reply
Larry Clark
9/22/2018 09:47:17 am

Michael...Seeing as you're a kinda urban guy, I figured you could use some "open road" ideas.

1. When I was riding motorcycles and big scooters I wanted a Rusty Nut Dispenser. You'd load a few large rusty nuts into the device, and when some idiot in a car was close enough to read the part number on your tail light lens, you could toggle one or two of these nuts to drop onto the road and bounce up onto or under the car. They'd look like normal highway debris that gets kicked up.

2. For the same situation, but whilst driving in a car, an exhaust pipe oil injector. A tap of the button would squirt a little bit of (used) engine oil into the exhaust pipe (aft of the muffler) to discourage prenuptial bumper contact. The deluxe model would have a sensor so that it would only dispense oil when the exhaust pipe was hot enough to insure smoke; ideally Ringelmann 3 or 4.

Reply
Michael Rosenbaum
9/22/2018 01:56:43 pm

You are an evil genius, which makes me very impressed and just a bit frightened.

Reply



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    Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him. 

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