Rate us a ten or Agnes dies

Thank you for contacting our customer support center, although we wish you would have followed our suggestions—27 times in the 40 minutes you were on hold—that you visit our website instead. Frankly, we’re impressed by people like you who stay on the line while we bombard you with reminders that you could hang up the phone and get all the information you need online. If we ever get into a staring contest, we want you on our team.

Let us remind you, yet again, that you could go to the Frequently Asked Questions tab on our website to obtain information about how to get to our website, the products we sell, and how to make us your home page. We cannot imagine that there was any reason for you to call our support center, if only you had scoured all 2,788 pages of our newly revised, more user-friendly online presence.

But you didn’t do that, did you? No, you called customer support and spoke with Agnes, so now we need to follow up and find out how well she met your needs, which are very important to us and certainly could have been met if you had gone to our website.

Please note that Agnes might have pleaded with you to give her a 10 rating in every category, if we should happen to ask. She might have wept a bit, as well, suggesting to you that she would be fired on the spot if you gave her anything less than a 10 on anything.

You might have thought she was exaggerating. She wasn’t. We demand perfection in our organization and we expect people like Agnes to deliver that perfection 120% of the time.

Agnes is the sole support of her mother, aunt, and three children, and she needs to work three jobs to make ends meet, because we contracted for her through an outsourced staffing firm that provides no benefits. But don’t let that sway you in your assessment of her performance when you called (instead of visiting our website). Please answer the following questions to let us know what you think of Agnes:

1. Although Agnes has no authority to approve any requests or provide any answers not already included in the FAQ tab ON THE WEBSITE, she solved my problem entirely. (10-absolutely agree; 1-9 fire Agnes)
2. Agnes responded to all of my questions in a fully professional manner and never needed to put me on hold to look up any information. (10-yes; 1-9 Replace Agnes with a FAQ list on the WEBSITE.)
3. Although I was frustrated with the products, the service, the website, and the long wait to speak to a human being, Agnes convinced me this interaction was the best I have ever had and that I should only buy from you in the future. (10-Amen; 1-9 Throw Agnes out the window.)
4. Now that I know Agnes and her family will starve because I called instead of visiting your new website, the likelihood that I will ever call your customer service center again is… (1-10 I like ruining innocent lives; 0 I’ve learned my lesson.

Thanks for your responses to our survey. We appreciate your business and look forward to engaging with you in the future.
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But only contact us on our website, not by phone. Agnes’s replacement can’t handle the pressure.