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Rate us a ten or Agnes dies

10/29/2018

6 Comments

 


Thank you for contacting our customer support center, although we wish you would have followed our suggestions—27 times in the 40 minutes you were on hold—that you visit our website instead. Frankly, we’re impressed by people like you who stay on the line while we bombard you with reminders that you could hang up the phone and get all the information you need online. If we ever get into a staring contest, we want you on our team.

Let us remind you, yet again, that you could go to the Frequently Asked Questions tab on our website to obtain information about how to get to our website, the products we sell, and how to make us your home page. We cannot imagine that there was any reason for you to call our support center, if only you had scoured all 2,788 pages of our newly revised, more user-friendly online presence.

But you didn’t do that, did you? No, you called customer support and spoke with Agnes, so now we need to follow up and find out how well she met your needs, which are very important to us and certainly could have been met if you had gone to our website.

Please note that Agnes might have pleaded with you to give her a 10 rating in every category, if we should happen to ask. She might have wept a bit, as well, suggesting to you that she would be fired on the spot if you gave her anything less than a 10 on anything.

You might have thought she was exaggerating. She wasn’t. We demand perfection in our organization and we expect people like Agnes to deliver that perfection 120% of the time.

Agnes is the sole support of her mother, aunt, and three children, and she needs to work three jobs to make ends meet, because we contracted for her through an outsourced staffing firm that provides no benefits. But don’t let that sway you in your assessment of her performance when you called (instead of visiting our website). Please answer the following questions to let us know what you think of Agnes:
  1. Although Agnes has no authority to approve any requests or provide any answers not already included in the FAQ tab ON THE WEBSITE, she solved my problem entirely. (10-absolutely agree; 1-9 fire Agnes)
  2. Agnes responded to all of my questions in a fully professional manner and never needed to put me on hold to look up any information. (10-yes; 1-9 Replace Agnes with a FAQ list on the WEBSITE.)
  3. Although I was frustrated with the products, the service, the website, and the long wait to speak to a human being, Agnes convinced me this interaction was the best I have ever had and that I should only buy from you in the future. (10-Amen; 1-9 Throw Agnes out the window.)
  4. Now that I know Agnes and her family will starve because I called instead of visiting your new website, the likelihood that I will ever call your customer service center again is… (1-10 I like ruining innocent lives; 0 I’ve learned my lesson.

Thanks for your responses to our survey. We appreciate your business and look forward to engaging with you in the future.
​
But only contact us on our website, not by phone. Agnes’s replacement can’t handle the pressure.



6 Comments
Daniel Turbow
10/29/2018 06:44:17 pm

You have spoken for all of us!

Thank you, Agnes. :-)

Reply
Dick Radzis
10/30/2018 07:05:39 am

I am always amazed when surveys concentrate on employees and not company processes. Give me someone to blame and not ideas on how to improve.

Reply
Michael Rosenbaum
10/30/2018 11:37:28 am

Even worse, Agnes probably gets dinged if she stays on the phone too long while trying to solve the problem, so she is screwed either way. Putting together an insightful survey is a lot tougher than people think.

Reply
David Brimm
10/30/2018 10:16:50 am

Of course a TEN.

Reply
Michael
10/30/2018 11:39:12 am

Sorry, Agnes needed an eleven to keep working here. If she was really worth it, she would have exceeded your expectations.

Reply
Sue Katte
11/1/2018 07:51:54 am

Another enjoyable post, Michael! You have tapped into the universally frustrating experience of customer service by phone, when we choose to forego the FAQ on websites! Like the annoyingly cheerful woman who calls WAAAY too often for donations for Am-Vets, there's an urgency to perform for Agnes and her ilk. You wonder how much abuse they will tolerate from their employers and the people they talk to by phone, before they flip out! The government, utility and cable company hotlines and others who lead us through a maze of terrible wait time and hideous Muzak recordings, make us grateful to speak to a live Agnes, who often lets us down in the end! I'm getting as jaded as you!

Reply



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    Who writes this stuff?

    Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him. 

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