Restaurants return and all is right with the world

Now that almost all the restrictions have been lifted and outdoor dining is available pretty much everywhere in the country, I’m rediscovering the joys of never, ever, ever cooking my own food. I’m also rediscovering some of the fascinating questions that come with restaurant visits, including…

1. I used to think I went to restaurants because somebody else did the cooking for me. After eating in for the past year, I now realize the best thing about restaurants is that somebody else does the dishes.
2. Whenever I order something and the waiter tells me, "That’s my favorite entrée," I wonder if he expects me to offer him a fork so he can dig in.
3. We need a six-month moratorium on schools and park districts and churches hitting up their local restaurants for donations. Pretty much every local joint is under water and behind on at least a million payments at this point, so let’s give them a chance to breathe for a while. Actually, let’s make the moratorium 12 months, not six, and require that people eat at the restaurant at least ten times before asking for a handout.
4. The great divide in dining out is whether you want your plate picked up before everyone else is finished. If I'm the last guy eating and everyone's plate is gone, then I'm a pig at a trough. But if everyone sits with dirty plates while I finish…actually I am still a pig at a trough. Never mind.
5. Sometimes, I need to stifle the laughter when the waiter explains, “Tonight, Chef has combined caviar, foie gras and truffles into a puff pastry that tastes exactly like Cheetos. For $57.”
6. In a fancy restaurant, they pick up the appetizer plate and then hand back your dirty knife and fork. But only after the busser has fondled them.
7. Speaking of which, bussers are paid by the plate, not the hour, which is why they keep asking if you are done with your food. At least I hope that’s why they’re asking.
8. I’m really miffed when the server refuses to write down my order and assures me he’ll remember every detail. At my age, I can’t remember anything I’ve said, so I’ll have to take his word for it when he comes back with the kale waffles.

 
While you’re thinking about all the reasons restaurants are the world’s greatest invention, take a moment to subscribe to Dad Writes for our next take on the topic. Just click here and we’re BFFs.
 

---