We must apologize to all our readers in Chicagoland for last week’s post about Restaurant Week. The whole idea of RW is to encourage people to try out the hip and trendy restaurants we passed up during the rest of the year, which is a great idea. Unfortunately, it is so, so easy to get lost as we encounter unfamiliar phrases on those recyclable menus.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. For those of you who are still planning to try out a new café in week two of Restaurant Week (Weeks??), here are a few of the strange words that might assault your eyeballs:
Organic: Yes, it probably contains E-coli and salmonella, but at least it doesn’t have any preservatives that can make your boobs bigger.
Croque monsieur: A ham and cheese sandwich that costs an extra $3 because we gave it a French name. See: fromage, pomme frites and escargot.
Sous Vide: The same as a Seal-a-Meal. Of course, it’s in French, so you’ll pay $5 extra.
Fusion: Cultural appropriation that’s acceptable because the chef is trendy and the patrons think they’re woke.
Whole grain: We were too lazy to remove the sticks and pebbles.
Deconstructed: All the ingredients are there, but you have to assemble it yourself. It’s like IKEA, but with lettuce.
Cioppino: We threw some leftover seafood into a pot of tomato sauce.
Bouillabaisse: We threw some leftover seafood into a pot, but we forgot the tomato sauce. Still, it’s French, so you owe us an extra Hamilton.
Mediterranean diet: Anything from a country that borders the Mediterranean Sea is supposed to prolong our lives. Since Italy is on the Mediterranean, you should order a large sausage pizza.
Kale, ramp, quinoa, jicama, acai berries…: Any ingredient that you’ve never heard of before is a SUPERFOOD with incredible curative qualities, previously known only to people who reside in grass huts and live to the ripe old age of 27.
Eclectic: We had some leftovers from last week that we didn’t want to go to waste, so we put them on your cheeseburger.
Artisanal: We made this by hand, so we’re charging you extra for our bottle of Purell.
Tartare: We forgot to cook it.
Carpaccio: We forgot to cook it.
Al dente: We remembered to cook it, but the pilot light went out before we finished.
Chef’s table: See your food prep up close and get a whiff of the cooks at the same time.
Locally sourced: There’s a roadside farm stand on Route 7.
Prix fixe: Includes oysters and ground rhinoceros horn at no extra charge.
Old World Recipe: Food that’s so awful (including offal) that your ancestors sat in steerage for two weeks so they would never have to eat it again. See: haggis, lutefisk, tripe, sweetbreads. (Also, it’s the real reason your grandparents smothered their yaya in 1937.)
If there’s something we missed here and you’re just dying to know what they’re peddling at your local diner, just let us know and we will provide the inside scoop. And be sure to try the veal!
Restaurant week lasts for a short time, but subscriptions to Dad Writes last forever. At least that will seem to be the case if you click here to subscribe to our weekly meanderings about life and other stuff.
1/26/2020 03:04:00 pm
This is very funny. If you had written it in French, I would have laughed even more, even though I wouldn’t have understood anything!
1/26/2020 04:49:47 pm
1/26/2020 04:17:54 pm
One of your very best!
1/26/2020 04:50:23 pm
1/27/2020 10:02:02 am
Michael: Fortunately for you French restaurants no longer employee the guillotine for unruly patrons.
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Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.