The joy of senescence

What a drag it is getting old, or at least that’s what Mick and Keith were telling us back when they were 23-year-olds who could have sex without purple pills or back braces. Whippersnappers!! What did they know?
 
In fact, getting old is a pretty terrific experience if you have the right perspective on the whole thing. Yes, it can be a bit disconcerting to realize that the only person ogling you is the Grim Reaper, but there are also daily highlights, if you know where to look. For instance….

1. It’s child’s play to embarrass your grown-up children by simply typing LOL or OMG on their social media feeds. This is so much easier than in the old days, when you actually had to show up and talk to them when they were with their friends.  
2. It’s easy to force your kids to take all your old stuff by simply bypassing them and giving everything to your grandkids. What four-year-old wouldn’t want a 1937 couch with slipcovers in their bedroom?
3. When you show up at 3:45 for the early bird dinner, nothing has been 86’d yet and most of the silverware is clean. And, on a good day, you might actually be one of the youngest people in the dining room.
4. There’s no need to join a health club or pay for an expensive trainer to stay in shape. Why bother when you can put in ten miles a day walking in and out of the kitchen as you forget why you’re there?
5. Speaking of forgetting things—weren’t we?—you can develop incredible online research skills as you try to find the name of that woman who costarred with that guy who fell out of a boat while they were filming that show that you liked back in, um, when was that?
6. You can entertain your grandkids and nap at the same time by encouraging them to draw lines on your back to connect your liver spots.
7. You’ll never get lonely because you can count on AARP to send you at least 20 co-branded offers each day. And if you respond to one of their ads for a walk-in tub, you’ll have visitors for months.
8. You finally have a good excuse for not losing any weight. Between enlarged prostates and constipation, your body is now a self-storage locker and, unlike your memory, nothing is getting lost.
9. Every day, someone will tell you how good you look. Yeah, they’ll always end the compliment by adding, “for your age,” but a win is a win.
10. People start calling you “young man” or “young lady.” Of course, they’re all 27 and they’re smirking when they do it, but again, a win is a win.
11. Osteoporosis turns out to have its upside as all the calcium in your body leaves your bones and resettles in your arteries. You jaws sag, your gut sags, your boobs drop to the floor, but at least one part of you is getting more solid!!

 
There’s so much more to get excited about as we age, but I’ve just had a senior moment and I can’t recall the details. As soon as I find my glasses, I’ll look for the, um, look for the, um, where am I?
 
 
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