The National Holidays We REALLY Need

It’s Independence Day and, like all loyal patriots, I will spend the day at a public reading of the Declaration of Independence, followed by a reenactment of the signing.

Hah! You fell for that? No way, Joseph. Like all my fellow countryfolks, I’ll spend the holiday at a barbecue, consuming huge amounts of food and way too much beer. Then I’ll look for the closest fireworks display and spend the night watching stuff go boom.

Even in our polarized nation, great holidays like Independence Day bring us closer together. I once argued with my neighbor about the relative merits of Maker’s Mark versus (boo, hiss) Crown Royal, but it’s really hard to keep up the rancor when you’re stuffing your face...and in a stupor.

That’s why we need more holidays in America and not just “historical” holidays like Independence Day, Juneteenth and Mother's Day. We need new holidays that celebrate all that makes our nation special today and every day. At the Holiday Viability Assessment Laboratory at Dad Writes, our research team has identified the ten holidays most worthy of celebration in coming years, including:

1. National Gig Worker Day. With so many people working double jobs in this country, we need a holiday that’s modeled after Labor Day, but specifically for gig workers. On National Gig Worker Day, all rideshare drivers, Instacart pickers and other warriors in our brave new world will get a break from 3:30 p.m. to 4:17 p.m. Unpaid, of course.
   
   
2. National Heirloom Day. On this special observance, adult children are required to accept—and CHERISH—whatever heirlooms, relics, family treasures or knick-knacks their parents want to pass down to them. (Stuffed moose, false teeth and all undergarments are excluded, however.)
   
   
3. National Mattress Day. The mattress industry has been in the wilderness too long, forced to piggyback on Presidents’ Day and Memorial Day and Arbor Day and pretty much every other real holiday to hold their once-a-year sales. With National Mattress Day, all our favorite dealers can do just one sale per year and we’ll all take the rest of the year off.
   
   
4. National Extended Car Warranty Day. We all know we need an extended car warranty, but it’s so hard to get in touch with anyone who will offer us one of these incredibly wonderful contracts. With a national holiday, everyone can take the whole day off to wait by the phone for a call about ways we can protect our cars, especially the ones with less than 857,309 miles on the odometer.
   
   
5. National Lobbyist Day. Seriously, we need a holiday to celebrate the hardworking Americans, and sometimes foreigners, who craft our laws and feed our overworked Congresspersons. I’ll even bet that one of these selfless public servants will be willing to draft the proclamation and deliver it to Capitol Hill on our behalf.
   
   
6. Expired Groceries Day. We’ll celebrate with big food fests, as always, but everything we eat must be past its expiration date. The USDA will issue a recipe book for people who are uncertain about combining year-old pickles and potatoes with outdate yogurt.
   
   
7. National Menu Day. This is more like a Jewish holiday because it is just a bit restrictive, but on this special day, every restaurant diner is required to take their food in whatever way it is listed on the menu. There will be no substitutions, no extras and absolutely no dressing on the side.
   
   
8. National Nurses Day. Yeah, we know, there already is a National Nurses Day, but nobody pays any attention. In our new and improved version, all U.S. nurses get the day off with pay and doctors are required to change all dressings, IVs and bedpans. Seems only fair, ya know?
   
   
9. National Overtime Day. While most national holidays involve giving federal employees the day off, National Overtime Day gives the rest of America a free day and federal employees will work a second shift to cover for them. Seems only fair, ya know?
   
   
10. National Me Day. If there is one belief that unites all Americans, it’s the absolute assurance that they are the most important and admirable people in the world. To recognize our greatness, National Me Day will allow every citizen to proclaim a holiday that celebrates them and only them. There won’t be any feasts because each person will be waiting for someone else to make their food, but we’ll make it all work out eventually.
    

 
Have we missed anyone? Let us know your recommendations for new holidays and we will add them to the list that we deliver to Congress by way of our lobbyist friends on K Street. We can’t wait for the parties in 2022.
 
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