The question we should be asking 330 million people

Now that we’ve avoided a visit from the Census Bureau’s enforcers, let’s consider the questions our government should be asking, but isn’t, about life in the USA.

As you’ll recall from last week’s musings, Jill and I received an invitation to take part in the Census Bureau’s American Community Survey, an hours-long dive into the most intimate details of our lives. To be more accurate, “invitation” is a euphemism. In fact, the materials came with a warning that we could be liable for penalties if we didn’t respond and they might be forced to send people to our condo to, um, obtain the responses they needed.

So we complied with their “request,” answering questions about whether we have indoor plumbing, the age of our building, whether we had gotten married or divorced in the past year, and how we pay for our internet service. The survey covered a wide swath of basic information that might prove useful for government spending decisions, but none of it is going to answer the most pressing questions facing us as a nation.

Never fear, dear readers. The public spirited team at dadwrites will right that wrong today by presenting the questions America needs to answer, a list that should be added immediately to the 2020 Census. Our inquiring minds want to know: 

1. Did you look in the mirror before you decided to leave the house like that? 

2. Ginger or Mary Ann?

3. What percentage of your income is derived from delivering other people’s food, clothes, or vaping supplies?

4. How many hours did you spend working in an office last week?
     a.  How much of that time did you spend on Instagram, Fortnite or Googling your ex?
       b. How many hours did it take to fill in your March Madness brackets?

5. How many hours did you spend working outside your office last week?
       a. Were you at home or at Starbucks?
       b. Did you actually get anything done?
       c. Were you still in your jammies?

6. Have you ever snorted Tide pods or condoms or dumped a bucket of ice on yourself?
      a. If yes, did you do this as part of a charity challenge or just because it sounded like a fun idea?
        b. Did you post a video online? (No need to respond. We know you did.)

7. How many trips did you take last week in an Uber, Lyft or other ride-share vehicle?
       a. For how many of those trips were you the driver?
       b. Could you find any of the locations without GPS?

8. Do you have any money saved for retirement?
       a. If so, how many days do you expect it to last?
       b. Do your adult children have a spare bedroom that you can use?
       c. Are your adult children currently living in your spare bedroom?

9. Did you ever finish reading that Stephen Hawking book about time?
       a. Did you actually understand it?
       b. Really?

10. Have you ever changed somebody’s mind on Facebook?

11. Has anyone ever changed your mind on Facebook?

12. Couldn’t you be doing something better with your time?

13. In the past year, have you suffered irreparable harm from:
       a. Asbestos?
       b. Uninsured motorists?
       c. Hernia mesh?
       d. Ads from law firms?

14. In the past month, have you:
       a. Taken an online quiz to find out which Disney princess you are?
   b. Suddenly realized the quiz was just a ruse to collect more personal information for advertisers?
      c. Retaken the quiz to get a better princess?

15. In the past week, have you:
       a. Spent more time complaining about traffic than you actually spent in it?
       b. Reposted a meme you knew to be false, because you agreed with the politics?
       c. Stolen Marla’s lunch from the office refrigerator?
              i. If yes, did you also take Edgar’s Snapple?
            ii. You fiend!!

16. In the past hour, have you:
       a. Checked your phone more than 30 times?
       b. Posted two or more story updates?
       c. Ordered some Thai for lunch?
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17. Would you like to avoid future surveys by just giving us permission to get whatever information we want from Google?

What other questions should we add to our list? If you had the opportunity to ask whatever you wanted and the authority to require an answer of every person in this country, what would you want to know? 

Add your questions to our comments section and we’ll all be much wiser for your contribution. Just remember to keep it civil and that this site is a politics-free zone. 



The most important question for everyone in America is, “Why haven’t you subscribed to dadwrites.com yet?” Answer that question with a resounding, “Yes, I am a subscriber,” by clicking this link and signing up. This might be the best decision you make this week, although it would be pretty sad if that really turned out to be the case. 

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