You Probably Want the Next Elevator

 
Apologies to my neighbors and also to my grandchildren, but that 31-year-old birthday boy gets no atonement from this old guy…

1. I got on the elevator at my mom’s facility and a really old guy followed me. Immediately, he started telling me about his day, where he was going and how he was feeling. Suddenly, I realized this is how I sound to the 30-somethings who share an elevator ride with me at my place. This flash of insight won’t make me stop, of course, but it will increase my level of sympathy for their bad timing.
   
   
2. Pretty much everyone I know can remember the odd smells emanating from their grandparents’ homes. I thought it was funny until I realized that I’m a grandparent now and the rules haven’t changed. My own grandmother’s house smelled from chicken fat and armpits. Luckily for my grandkids, we don’t use much chicken fat.
   
   
3. I need a new business card, or a calling card since I am no longer in business, and I’m torn about what to put on it. Since I don’t have an official position anywhere, I’m thinking of listing my role as “no longer working for money.” That sounds better than “retired” and it’s really more accurate, since I’m working on lots of projects on a paying-forward basis. But the snarkier side of me wants the card to say, “Please call me if any of your drama is my business, but not before.”
   
   
4. I was lucky enough to lose weight over the pandemic year as I was forced to eat my own cooking and lost much of my access to good French fries. I’ve also been exposed to a great generational divide. When you’re young and you shed some pounds, your friends ask how you did it. When you’re old and lose weight, your friends ask if you’re sick.
   
   
5. Speaking of which, I’m trying to decide how to append my answers when people ask me how I’m doing. Should I always end with, “for my age,” or go with the more philosophical “all things considered?”
   
   
6. At dinner the other night, a guy less than half my age complained about how old he was getting, so I told him to go do something to himself. It was rude, I know, but he really, really deserved it.
   
   
7. I’m really glad they’re handing out menus as most restaurants again, rather than insisting that I look up the options on my phone. It’s a given that I can’t read the small print on my screen, but I’m also really tired of the 20-something servers who want to know if I’ve ever worked a phone before.
   
   
8. I was doing some research into old advertising and I found the classic medical alert spot with the woman who cries out, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” It was pretty funny back in the 80’s, but now I’m thinking, “Hmm, maybe I should get one of those.”
   
   

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