How to invest like a zillionaire
This week’s post is only for the incredibly smart and wealthy people who will be receiving at least $14 million from the IRS after following all our tax filing advice last week. The rest of you are just too poor for our incredibly brilliant, can’t-lose, 137%-guaranteed investment wisdom, so scram.
Okay, all you 1%-ers, are we alone now? Great, because we are about to share some of the most incredible, unbelievable tips for putting your tax refund to work so that you never have to work again. All you need to do now is deploy capital* as follows:
Cryptocurrency: First, let’s get this straight. Crypto is absolutely not a Ponzi scheme where the first guys to invest announce that the value is going up so they can get others to invest and then bail out at the top. It’s much, much better. “Miners” run up electric bills of $10,000 to create $4,200 worth of crypto, which seems like a losing proposition, but then they announce that their crypto is now worth $50,000 and nobody can prove them wrong. Unlike stocks, where the price is based on “trading” in a “public” “market,” every crypto brand is worth whatever the brand’s CEO says it’s worth, so there is no limit to how high this can go. Clearly, you want to put all your money into cryptocurrencies.
NFTs: Like cryptocurrencies, NFTs are a high-tech investment that nobody really understands, but that makes it the coolest and hippest way to get filthy rich. Basically, you take an everyday item, like a floor lamp, and then you take a photo of it and you sell a data file of the photo that makes the buyer the owner of…wait for it…the data file of the photo. With NFTs, you can sell all the contents of your house without actually selling any of the contents of your house. You can sell an NFT of your oven, but you get to keep the actual oven. Sell an NFT of your television, refrigerator, underwear, pretty much anything, and the rules are the same. Me? I’m offering up NFTs of the hand turkeys my kids made for Thanksgiving in 1986 and 1987 and a slow weekend in 2014. This is the best investment opportunity since Enron invented those “special purpose entities” and we all got to retire from the proceeds.
SPACs: Unfortunately, Enron isn’t selling shares in special purpose entities anymore, but Special Purpose Acquisition Companies are the next best thing. Basically, a SPAC is a pool of money that will/might/could be used one day to buy/build/caress something that’s valuable and make it more valuable. It’s a lot like buying stock in a company, but it has these added advantages: 1. You have no idea what the operators will buy. 2. You have no idea whether anything will work out. 3. There’s pretty much no limit on how much the operators can pay themselves for “managing” your money. Even better, it doesn’t matter which SPAC you choose. All of them are absolutely certain to accept your cash.
Meme Stocks: Yet another high-tech opportunity to make a killing in the stock market, meme stocks are almost always failing companies that desperately need a friend to pump up their value. Like all those flash mobs that blocked traffic with their “spontaneous” dancing in shopping malls, meme investors suddenly place a flood of orders on Robin Hood for the worst performing shares in the universe, sending those stocks soaring into the stratosphere. Meme stocks are the perfect investment for anyone who doesn’t really understand investments, but wants to get rich without any effort or insight. Timing is key here, however. Meme stocks are the Wile E. Coyote of investing; able to levitate in mid-air, but only until somebody looks down. Not a problem for you, though. You’ve always had perfect timing in your life, so you will know exactly when it’s time to bail.
Clearly, these investment tips are reserved for the world’s smartest, savviest and, dare we say it, best looking people, and we guarantee that it is hypothetically possible in some parallel universe that we can guarantee your future fortune. Best of all, it's absolutely a sure thing that people who follow our investment advice will never have to pay any capital gains taxes.
So, as soon as you get your $14 million tax refund be sure to send it to Dad Writes so we can invest it on your behalf in these can’t-fail opportunities.
What could possibly go wrong?
*We’re not quite sure what “deploy capital” actually means, but we heard it on Fox Business News and everyone on the show nodded, so it must be smart. It’s also really, really smart to click here to subscribe to Dad Writes.
4/17/2022 03:52:38 pm
Followed your advice, and per The Producers, "I'm wearing a cardboard belt."
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Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him.